发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，我打算趁着黑五去买台XBOX
是真费劲儿
今天，我打算趁着黑五去买台XBOX，进到店里排上了队。没想到我一直排的是上厕所的队，等我意识到排错队的时候，店里的XBOX已经卖光了。FML
Today, while shopping for Black Friday, I got in line, hoping to get an Xbox One. I spent so long mistakenly standing in line for the bathroom that the store had sold out by the time I realized my mistake. FML
第一印象
今天，我办了张健身卡。我体重超标了，也不怎么擅长运动，所以有些担心。我在健身房里四处看了下，最后打算试试跑步机。一开始我先试着慢走，然后觉得有信心了，便把速度调成了“慢跑”。也就没几秒，我脚下一拌蒜，摔了个跟头，把紧急制动钮也给带飞了。健身房员工赶紧跑过来，我发誓我真听到了有人说：“嗐，至少人尽力了。”FML
Today, I joined a gym. I’m overweight and not very athletic, so I was nervous. I looked around and tried a treadmill. I start walking at a chill pace, then got ambitious and cranked it to a "light jog." Within seconds, I tripped, fell, and sent the emergency stop button flying across the room. The gym staff ran over and I swear someone said, “Well, at least he’s trying.” FML
懒蛋
今天，我可太懒了，我下了个APP，然后花了10分钟调试好让手机能直接控制我家的电视和有线盒子，就因为我懒得起来去拿遥控器。FML
Today, my laziness got so bad, I downloaded an app and spent 10 minutes configuring it to work with my TV and cable box, just so I wouldn't have to get up and grab the remote. FML
狠人奶奶
今天，我跟奶奶坐飞机去佛罗里达。她包里背着一把折叠刀想要过安检。FML
Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML
多谢您的服务
今天，我拒绝治疗一名患者，丫威胁说要起诉我。我之所以拒绝她，是因为她当时带着一条毛茸茸的大狗，还撒谎说那是她的服务犬。我不仅对狗有严重过敏，而且那破狗还在我的候诊室里拉了屎。FML
Today, I’ve been threatened with a lawsuit for refusing to treat a patient. I had to refuse her because she brought a huge hairy dog with her that she falsely claimed was her service animal. Not only am I deathly allergic to dogs, the damn thing shat in my waiting room. FML
酒是陈的香
今天，在搬家的时候，我问媳妇把我酒放哪儿了。她跟我说都扔了，那酒年头也太久了。那可是苏格兰威士忌，没点年头就特么出奇了。FML
Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML
感恩节
今天，我老公自己喝完将近一整瓶葡萄酒，然后吐在了浴室里。现在浴室的下水堵了。感恩节快乐啊。FML
Today, my husband threw up in the shower after drinking almost a whole bottle of wine. The shower won't drain now. Happy Thanksgiving. FML
亮红灯
今天，谈了快2年的异地恋女友跟我分手了，因为我不喜欢她喝酒后还开车。她狡辩说“我又不是经常的，能有啥问题？”，还说什么“我喝酒开车很安全”。真的吗？也不看看有多少酒驾司机都是这么想的，最后还不是跟着一起镶在了树里？FML
Today, my long distance girlfriend of almost two years broke up with me because I didn't like her drinking and driving. Her reasoning was, "I don't go out that often so what's the problem?" or "I'm safe when I drive drunk." Yeah? How many drunk drivers thought the same then wrapped their car around a tree? FML
傻子就在我们身边
今天，大学老同学帮我介绍了个相亲对象。那男的人挺好的，后来我们就开始回忆起我们的高中和大学时光。我提起那时候总有些人会做一些二了吧唧的挑战，然后又嘲笑起来那些吃洗衣液胶囊的傻子们。结果他就是其中之一。FML
Today, I went on a blind date set up by old college friends. The dude was very nice, then we started reminiscing about our high school and college years. I mentioned people doing stupid challenges, which is when I made fun of the idiots who ate Tide Pods. Turns out he was one of them. FML
不欢迎
今天，我爸跟我妈说，感恩节的时候只把我妹送他家就行，就不用送我去了。看来是我错认为他想要改善我们的关系了。FML
Today, my dad told my mom to only drop off my sister for Thanksgiving and not me. Guess I was wrong about him wanting to work on our relationship. FML
恭喜
今天，在学校，我们演出的作品有个开幕之夜。我全家都没人来，朋友也没人来。简单说，在3个月的辛勤付出后，唯一在演出结束后来“恭喜”我的人是戏剧部的部长，他来就是想跟我说我没演对。FML
Today, at my school, we had the opening night of our production in which I act. None of my family or friends came. Basically, after 3 long months of hard work, the only person to "congratulate" to me after the show was the head of the theater department, who just wanted to tell me I was doing it wrong. FML
生活真美好
今天，我在洗澡时，突然癫痫发作，身子一紧，绊在了浴缸边上摔了下去，脸直接砸在了马桶上，鼻梁骨给我干骨折了。FML
Today, I was taking a shower. Having epilepsy, I seized, tripped over the edge of the tub, and smashed my face against an open toilet, breaking my nose. FML
重操酒业
今天，我在我的屎里发现一枚25美分的硬币。朋友说我在喝多了以后会干蠢事儿。看来吃零钱就是其中之一。FML
Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML
绝逼记忆犹新
今天，我跟朋友在车外面看见了鹿。我们再有几天就要毕业离校了，所以我俩寻思干点记忆深刻的事儿，于是我俩就开始追鹿。原来这鹿也想追我俩。最后我俩尖叫着逃跑了好半天。FML
Today, a friend and I saw some deer outside my car. Since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer. Turns out the deer wanted to chase us too. We ran for over five minutes screaming. FML