发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，我想给我的猫一个惊喜
你在干啥？
今天，我在化妆时把散粉洒在了自己身上。随后，我姐姐撞见我正在用吸尘器吸我的裤裆。FML
What are you doing?
Today, I spilled loose face powder on myself while applying my make-up. My sister subsequently walked in on me vacuuming my crotch. FML
承认吧！
今天，像往常一样，我妈妈去见了她的灵媒，灵媒告诉她，她的一个孩子藏着一个“不可告人的秘密”。现在，我们都被禁足了，直到我们中的一个人坦白我们明显不存在的秘密。FML
CONFESS!
Today, as per usual, my mother went to see her psychic, who told her that one of her children is harbouring a “dark secret”. Now we're all grounded until one of us confesses our obviously non-existent secret. FML
我感受到了爱
今天是情人节，我给男朋友买了巧克力和新的 Xbox 游戏，并计划了很多变态的性感时光。他吃了巧克力，插了三下就高潮了，睡了两个小时的午觉，然后整个下午都在玩新游戏，对我不理不睬。他没有给我带来任何东西，甚至连我自己的高潮都没有。FML
I feel love
Today, for Valentine’s Day, I got my boyfriend chocolates, a new Xbox game and planned lots of kinky sexy time. He ate the chocolate, orgasmed after three thrusts, had a 2-hour nap, then ignored me while playing the new game all afternoon. He didn’t get me anything, not even my own orgasm. FML
不好笑，伙计们
今天，我的家人决定把他们能抓到的最大的飞蛾抓到我的房间里放飞，这一定会很有趣。我最怕飞蛾了，他们觉得看我吓得屁滚尿流的样子一定会“笑死人”。FML
Not funny, guys
Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be “funny as hell” to watch me freak out. FML
有点不自信
今天，我质问我的女朋友，她和一个男性朋友一起出去喝酒、聚会，还一度在街上牵手。她愤怒地指责我出轨，因为“像那样质问别人”显然是只有出轨者才会做的事。FML
A tad insecure
Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because “confronting people like that” is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML
胆小猫
今天，我想给我的猫一个惊喜，给它买一个新奇的玩具。我花了 30 澳元买了一个激光笔。结果，我的猫非常害怕激光，在接下来的一个小时里，它在沙发底下用“你背叛了我”的眼神看着我。FML
Scaredy cat
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to surprise my cat with a fancy new toy. I spent $30 on a laser pointer. Turns out, my cat is terrified of lasers, and spent the next hour giving me the “You betrayed me” look from under the couch. FML
红旗
今天，我男朋友给我们买了去墨西哥度“蜜月”的机票。如果他求婚了，如果我们约会的时间超过两周，这将是件好事。FML
Red flag
Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML
一线希望
今天，我收到了一封拒信，这让我很兴奋，因为这是第一家承认我给他们寄过简历的公司。FML
Silver lining
Today, I was excited to receive a rejection letter, because this was the first company to even acknowledge that I sent them a resume. FML
鬼鬼祟祟
今天，我偷偷溜进我男朋友的家，因为我知道他父母不会在那里。后来，我在医院的病床上醒来，因为他的姐姐以为我是小偷，用电击枪打了我。FML
Sneaky
Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML
司机
今天，为了去机场接刚从国外回来的爸爸，我在堵车中挣扎了一个小时。到了机场才发现他给我报错了日期，我只好开车回家。最棒的是什么？明天我又得重新来过。FML
Chauffeur
Today, I struggled through a one hour traffic jam to get to the airport to pick up my dad who was just coming back from an overseas trip. I got there only to find that he had given me the wrong date, and I had to drive home. Best part? I have to do it all over again tomorrow. FML
原文：https://www.fmylife.com/
投稿：混沌分析