发霉啦：今天，表哥想要跟我调情

“阿拉巴马”家庭
今天，表哥想要跟我调情。我告诉他说这样很不合适，然后把他推开了。我跟爹妈告状，这孙子自己还火了。结果爹妈竟然说：“多大点事儿啊。你不该拒绝的。”哈？FML
Today, my cousin tried to hit on me. I told him that was inappropriate and pushed him off me. He was offended when I went to tell my folks. All they said was, “That’s fine. You should’ve let him.” Um, what? FML

有仇必报
今天，我有一场线上面试。室友按住我，用胶带把我的嘴贴上，又拿绳子捆住了我的手脚。我就这么无助的看着他接通了我未来老东家的电话，辱骂她，还说：“什么几把工作。”这一切就是因为我昨天吃烧烤的时候“勾引他女朋友”来着，我只是问她要不要再来一个热狗。FML
Today, I had a Zoom job interview. My roommate grabbed me, duct-taped my mouth, and hogtied me. I watched helplessly as he took the call with my potential employer, insulted her, and said, “Fuck this job.” All because I “hit on his girlfriend” at a BBQ yesterday, by asking her if she wanted another hot dog. FML

语盐好难
今天，旁边坐的一个漂亮妹子问能否借用下我的手机。我把手机递给她，想说：“您请用。”可我现在也没整明白，为啥这话从嘴里出来就变成了：“您请死。”FML
Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression, "Knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as, "Kill yourself." FML

所以啥才是“正常人”？
今天，医生斩钉截铁的告诉我说，鉴于我的精神和肉体上的病症以及人格障碍，“除非奇迹降临，否则你是绝对不可能再过上正常人的生活了”。行呗，那我干脆就自我了断得了。FML
Today, I was told by a doctor in no uncertain terms that, with all of my mental and physical health conditions and personality disorders, there is, "absolutely no way I can possibly live a normal life, unless a miracle occurs." Well, I guess I'll just go fuck myself, then. FML

肾击
今天，我喜欢的女孩对我说，她受够了男人了。我回复说，好巧我也是男人诶。她笑着回复说：“没有啦，我是说当男朋友的那种啦！”FML
Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said, "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

情绪突击检查失败
今天，我发现在Bumble上聊了几个礼拜的那个男人在2020年时因为绑架他从Tinder上认识的女孩而蹲过监狱。要不是我决定在谷歌上搜一下他，现在已经在和他约会了。FML
Today, I found out that the guy I met off of Bumble, and have been seeing for the past few weeks, went to jail in 2020 for kidnapping a girl he met off Tinder. I would've be on a date with him right now had I not decided to Google him. FML

瘆人孩子
今天，我带孩子去探望他们的奶奶。我们一起吃了晚饭。然后坐在一起聊天，玩桌游，又看了电视。过了一会儿，我发现13岁的儿子不见了。他竟然跑到了67岁奶奶的主卫里，拿着奶奶的脏内裤打飞机。FML
Today, I took my boys over to their grandmother’s house. We had a nice supper together. We all talked, played board games, and watched TV. After a while, I couldn’t find my 13 year-old son. He was in his 67 year-old grandmother’s master bathroom, jerking off with her dirty granny panties. FML

她说愿意！
今天，我向女朋友求婚，她说原意。我兴奋的不行，给老妈打电话分享这份喜悦。她敷衍了事的说：“嗷，真好呀。”然后就转移话题说起自己早些时候在大便里发现了什么。FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and I excitedly called my mother to tell her about our engagement. She half-heartedly said, "Aww, that's nice", before changing the topic to what she'd found in her turd earlier. FML

孤独堡垒
今天，我儿子巨不喜欢和人相处，所以他才会打三份工，只为了能有自己的房子。今天他拿到了房子的钥匙，当我问他要不要办个温居派对时，他说绝对不会把这房子的地址告诉任何人，也永远不会邀请任何人去他家，就连我也不例外。FML
Today, my son hates people so much he's working three jobs to be able move out and pay for his own place. He got the keys today and when I asked if he was having a housewarming party, he told me he’s not giving his address out to anyone, and no one is invited, ever, not even me. FML

资本主义晚期
今天，我的补休申请被拒了，因为我在工作申请里写的是“随时可到岗”。平时是没问题，但这次是我母亲去世了，我得回去参加她的葬礼。我试着和他们讲理，但公司最后以“在工作申请中撒谎而误导公司”为由开除了我。FML
Today, my time-off request was denied because I'd said on my application that I have “open availability.” This is normally true, except my mother passed away and I need to travel to go to her funeral. I attempted to appeal, but ended up fired for “misleading” the company by “lying on a job application.” FML

熟女镇
今天，男朋友从我屋子里溜了出去，好和隔壁房间的我妈滚床单。FML
Today, my boyfriend snuck out of my room so he could have sex with my mom in the next room. FML

他知道所有东西的价格，却不知它们的价值
今天，我爹说我不该再继续玩儿这些玩具了，然后把我的光剑顺窗户扔了出去。这是卢克·走天者用过的光剑的复制品，和电影里的道具一样，也是用同款70年代的相机打造出来的剑柄。这把光剑有40多年的历史，价值数千美金。现在没那么值钱了，上面有划痕，还断成了两截。FML
Today, my dad said I need to stop playing with toys and threw my lightsaber out of the window. It was a replica of the Lightsaber used by Mark Hamill, made from the same type handle from a 1970s camera, just like the film prop. It was over 40 years-old and worth thousands. Not anymore, as it's now scratched and in two pieces. FML

但我爱她……
今天，我见到了儿子的女朋友，我很确定他的脑子肯定瓦特了。他女朋友粗鲁、种族歧视而且很有攻击性，胖的流油，浑身还散发着没有洗澡的体臭，衣服也是脏兮兮的，还肆意随处掸烟灰。我真是无话可说，彻底惊呆。FML
Today, I met my son's girlfriend and I’m convinced he’s lost his damn mind. She was rude, racist and offensive, grossly obese, absolutely stank of unwashed body odour, her clothes were filthy, and she dropped cigarette ash everywhere she felt like it. I’m stunned, completely stunned. FML

数学专业
今天，我不得不跟客人解释说，一个50刀的商品打了5折后不是0元购。FML
Today, I had to explain to a customer that 50% off a $50 item did not make the item free. FML

疯婆娘
今天，神经病领导使劲从我手里夺走一份文件，我的手都被纸割破了。她又因为血粘在文件上而骂了我一顿。FML
Today, my psycho boss snatched a file from my hand so aggressively that I got a papercut. She then scolded me for bleeding on the papers. FML

永远不要惹司机
今天，我老公去机场接我妈，回来的路上俩人肯定是吵了一架，我老公就把她扔在了星巴克，自己一人开回了家。他不肯告诉我是哪一家星巴克，我给我妈打电话她自己也说不清楚。FML
Today, my husband went to pick my mom up from the airport, but apparently they got in one of their arguments on the way home, so he dumped her at a Starbucks and came home without her. He won’t even tell me which Starbucks, and when I rang her she gave useless directions. FML

亲爱的，你还好吗？
今天，上班时我拉肚子了。在我试着在马桶上消音拉稀的时候，隔壁的女同事喊了我的名字，问我是不是不舒服。FML
Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was having trouble. FML

别挡道
今天，我明白了在人行道上走也不代表着不会被车撞。FML
Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML