建筑工地蓝调
今天，由于学校在施工，我们被安排到了可移动教室里上课。我憋不住要拉屎，于是钻进了内置厕所。正拉着就听见了笑声。原来，我拉屎的每一个动静都像是广播一样放送给了全班。FML
Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction on our school. I had to take a dump really bad, and had to use the built in bathroom. As I was in there I heard laughing. Turns out, every sound you make is an entire broadcast to the class. FML
他们在干那种事！
今天，我得知妈妈现在只肯喝瓶装水，因为她真的相信政府为了降低生育率，往自来水里添加了化学物质。而她正在为第五胎努力。FML
Today, I learned that my mother now refuses to drink anything but bottled water because she actually believes that the government is putting a chemical in tap water that lowers pregnancy rates. She is trying for her 5th child. FML
别客气，我的荣幸！
今天，我向妈妈介绍了我的朋友，说是他在我被噎到时，用海姆立克法救了我的命。谁知我妈竟大声斥责起了他，说他当时该喊大人帮忙，自己瞎弄可能会伤到我。现在我朋友不愿意搭理我了，我还因为骂我妈贱人被禁足了。FML
Today, I introduced my mom to my friend who performed the Heimlich maneuver on me when I was choking. She proceeded to loudly berate and chew him out, saying that he should have gotten an adult and could have hurt me. Now he won't talk to me and I'm grounded for calling her a cunt. FML
我结巴了吗？
今天，在凌晨1点左右，男朋友醉醺醺的打电话来跟我分手。他似乎已经忘了昨天已经跟我分过手了。多谢提醒。FML
Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up with me. He didn't seem to remember he had already broken up with me yesterday. Thanks for reminding me. FML
傻缺，你啥都不懂！
今天，我朋友不小心把他的AirPods洗了，然后耳机坏掉了。他决定向售后中心撒个谎，说耳机突然不好使了。我跟他说人家不会信的，于是他就去求教Gemini，AI回复说这“确实”是在保修范围内的，还帮他编了个借口。然后，我朋友就开始喷我屁用都没。FML
Today, my friend accidentally killed his AirPods by washing them. He decided to lie to the service center and say they just stopped working. When I said they wouldn't cover it, he asked Gemini, which said it *was* a warranty issue, and gave him a cover story. Then, he started talking shit about me being useless. FML
恭喜！
今天，我所在的部门创下了新的销售纪录，是近30年来的最佳战绩。按照公司的政策，会为有功劳的员工发放奖金作为奖励。而我们的领导却决定跑到一元店里买点塑料奖牌来当我们的“奖金”。他甚至都没买够所有人的。FML
Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML
正当防卫？
今天，男朋友被捕了，还有可能做牢。因为他开枪打伤了想要偷走他狗的那个人。FML
Today, my boyfriend was arrested and might go to prison because he shot the guy who tried to kidnap his dog. FML
啥啥快乐
今天，我进屋看见我姐和几个室友正在为另外一位室友策划惊喜派对，再有一个礼拜就是她的生日了。我的生日是昨天。没人记得。甚至我姐也忘了。FML
Today, I walked in on my sister and a few of my roommates planning a surprise party for a fellow roommate whose birthday is a week away. My birthday was yesterday. No one remembered. Not even my own sister. FML
玩儿的开心吧
今天，我老婆带着孩子，还有那些我听都没听过的七大姑八大姨跑去纽约玩儿。然后用我的信用卡刷了7000刀。FML
Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the $7,000 bill with my credit card. FML
为啥啊？
今天，我发现一个同学的眼镜和我的一模一样。为了证明这一点，我就掰他的镜架，因为我的镜架是有弹性的，可以掰弯。结果把他眼镜掰成了两半。FML
Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML
毫无帮助
今天，我让老公帮忙把孩子喊起来，准备一下去上学。我被肠胃感冒折腾的一宿没睡成。老公说帮不了，我这样一会儿起来一趟，他也没睡好，累得不行。我太虚弱了，缺水再加上没力气，真的是动弹不得。FML
Today, I asked my husband if he could please get the kids up and ready for school, since I’d been up all night with the stomach flu from hell. He said no, that he was too tired because my getting up all night kept him awake. I’m so weak from dehydration and exhaustion I can barely move. FML
思想包袱
今天，我发现生完二胎后，我体重已经减掉30斤了。可惜，我现在的体重还是和怀第一胎足月时的体重一样。FML
Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML
我说服了肥胖的老婆去体验一次蹦极。也是意料之中，当我在为她做准备时，她有点临阵退缩，打起了退堂鼓……
“我真觉得这绳子应该扣在腰上，而不是绕在脖子上！”
I convinced my obese wife to try bungee-jumping, but of course she started getting cold-feet and wanting to back out when I was helping her get ready..."I really think the cord is meant to get clipped on at the waist, not tied around the neck !" --crash100