发霉啦：今天，我想要约一个妹子

孩子，至少你尽力了
今天，我想要约一个妹子，结果差点就把她搞晕过去了。别多想，我并没有用氯仿迷晕她，只不过我给她的印象过于可怜了，以至于她狂笑到哮喘发作。FML
Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform her, I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

哥们，放松点
今天，我明白了在跟有愤怒控制问题的员工沟通时要谨慎，直截了当地说他因为宿醉请了太多病假，是有极大几率被他揪着衣服领子扔进泡着死狐狸的臭水沟里的。FML
Today, I learned that when you tell an employee with anger issues that he’s had too many sick days due to being hungover, there's a high chance you will be hoisted off the ground by your shirt front and thrown into a drainage ditch full of stagnant water and a dead fox. FML

化妆派对最烂了
今天，我扮成了一个彩罐去参加派对。一晚上都有醉鬼想要打我。FML
Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

Ciao！
今天，我发现结婚已有5年的老婆决定换掉一切：她的工作、衣服、发型、汽车还有我。FML
Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: her job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

你是刚来吗？
今天，我在公寓当保安，为了监督屋内修缮进了一位老妇人的家里。我望着窗外的湖景感叹道：“这儿的景色可真美啊，您说呢？”没承想她是双目失明啊。 FML
Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

追逐
今天，凌晨4点半我妈把我喊醒，说家里的狗跑街上去了。我在狗后面狂追了一小时，才发现那是新邻居家的狗。我家狗一直在地下室。FML
Today, my mother woke me up at 4:30 A.M. to tell me our dog was running down the street. I ran for an hour, chasing after her. Turns out it was our new neighbor's dog. Ours was in our basement. FML

控制
今天，我表弟邀请我去参加本周六的一个活动。而我的第一反应是给我妈发短信问我能不能参加。我已经20岁了。FML
Today, my cousin invited me to an event that'll be happening on Saturday night. The first thing I did after she texted me was ask my mom if I could go. I'm 20. FML

等等
今天，我质问男朋友，怀疑他在过去几个月里一直在劈腿。他激动的连忙否认，然后对我说自己绝对不会再犯。等等？FML
Today, I confronted my boyfriend, suspecting that he has been cheating on me during the past few months. He vehemently denied it. Then told me it would never happen again. What? FML

省钱秘诀
今天，我的父母认定了最省钱的法子就是把所有东西里都掺水稀释。喝兑水的饮料和果汁的日子还得再忍一年。FML
Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML

早期？
今天，我起身起猛了，头晕目眩的，于是我就坐在床边想缓一缓。但瞌睡的厉害，头一垂又睡过去了，迷迷糊糊之间我以为到厕所了，就尿床上了。FML
Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML

这下信了吧？
今天，我跟老板说头疼的厉害，想要早点下班回家的时候，她满腹狐疑。多亏我吐了她一身，彻底打消了她的疑虑。FML
Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML

所以是拒绝了，对吧？
今天，我跟女朋友求婚了。我女朋友的答复是：“你需要认识更多的人。”FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML