发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，我在派对上实在是憋不住了
小号独奏
今天，我在派对上实在是憋不住了，赶紧钻进了厕所。厕所外面大概有三、四十人，于是我就心想，这要敞开拉应该也没人能注意到。没成想我刚想使劲就在快要喷薄而出的时候，外面突然鸦雀无声，因为我爹开始了餐前祷告。FML
Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone fell silent as my dad began to pray for our meal. FML
*咳咳*
今天，就现在，我爸不知道犯什么大病了在客厅打飞机。就我家这个布局，不管去哪个屋子都得经过客厅。外面也都是拦死的，我从后院走也绕不到正门。已经打了好一会儿了。他再不快点完事儿我上班就要迟到了。FML
Today, right now, for some reason my dad is sat in the living room masturbating. In our house you have to go through the living room to reach the front door, as there's no access to the front of the house if I go out the back to the garden. It's been a while. If he doesn’t hurry up I'll be late for work. FML
绅士
今天，女炮友跟我说她怀孕了，可她之前一直说自己有吃药呢。她解释说：“你说那药啊？那是布洛芬，治我头疼的。”这贱人明明就知道我是有老婆孩子的。结果她麻木不仁的说："谁叫你不说清楚呢。”她还不明白我什么抓狂。FML
Today, a girl I’ve been fucking told me she’s pregnant after she told me she took the pill. What she really meant was, “Oh, that pill? That was Advil ‘cause I get headaches.” The bitch knows I have a wife and kids. She callously said, “Should've been more specific.” She can’t understand why I’m freaking out. FML
怨念
今天，4个月之前，劈腿的女朋友为了那根儿屌把我甩了。她拿到了每个月6位数的OnlyFans合同。打那以后她生活无忧，而我却在努力收拾残局。我重归单身，只有拼命的干活才能保证不破产。FML
Today, it’s been four months since my cheating ex-girlfriend dumped me for someone else’s dick. She was offered a monthly six figure OnlyFans contract. Since then she’s been living life care-free while I struggle to pick up the pieces. Back to being single and still working my ass off to be broke. FML
避免技巧
今天，再有两天我们就要出去度假了。我发现老婆在教我们6岁的儿子如何假装做噩梦，这样儿子就能每天晚上都跟我俩睡了。突然我就悟了为什么度假时总是没爱做。 FML
Today, two days before our vacation, I caught my wife coaching our six year-old son how to fake nightmares, so he could sleep in our bed every night. I now understand why we never have sex on vacation. FML
你没事儿吧？
今天，我妹的男朋友向我咨询如何才能让她在床上满足。FML
Today, my sister's boyfriend asked for tips on how to please her in bed. FML
差一点
今天，漂亮的女同事邀请我下班后去喝两杯。可是我还没发工资，身无分文。尴尬的要死，我只能拒绝了她，独自回了家。FML
Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML
下一位
今天，男朋友把我甩了，因为我理发没有事先征求他的同意。FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me because I got a haircut without asking for his permission first. FML
每日药闻
今天，我的邮箱里收到一封邮件。发件人是一位妇人，她在邮件里详细的向我描述了她和我丈夫外遇三个月里的点点滴滴。还特么有配图。FML
Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML
我最喜欢的字母是L
今天，我跟8岁的侄女争论字母表里到底一共有多少个字母。猜猜谁对了？FML
Today, my 8 year-old niece and I were arguing over how many letters were in the alphabet. Guess who was right. FML
你得听话
今天，我那略微有点疯逼的祖母数落我膈应人，说我不像个淑女。因为啥？因为我用左手写字。FML
Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML
脆皮
今天，我决定开始锻炼。热身刚五分钟我就快要晕过去了，完事儿洗澡甚至都站不稳了。我才刚21岁啊。FML
Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML
小猫贼
今天，我遇见了我家走丢的猫。在我套上项圈想把它带上车时候，一个男人走过来问我干嘛呢。他的孩子告诉他说草坪上有个女的在偷家里的猫。怀里这猫不是我那只。FML
Today, I found my lost cat. As I was hooking it up to a leash to get it in my car, a man approached and asked what I was doing. His kids alerted him that there was a woman stealing their cat from their front lawn. It was not my cat. FML
脑虫
今天，我因为不支持川普遭到了领导的训斥，因为川普“显然是目前最佳的总统人选”。我们又不是美国人，这里是特么英国啊。FML
Today, my manager yelled at me for not supporting Trump, who "obviously is the best choice for president right now." We don’t even live in America, we live in England. FML
老烧鸡
今天，我不得不跟我妈解释，当我男朋友和他父母一起过来吃饭时，她在饭桌上勾引我男朋友是不恰当的。FML
Today, I had to explain to my mother that it's inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML