发霉啦：今天，我开了场乐队演唱会

起哄者的地狱
今天，我开了场乐队演唱会，结果我妈半道儿被赶出了会场。因为她在演唱期间大喊“烂透喽！”FML
Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

又败一局
今天，男朋友出轨了，我必须和他分手。这已经是多年来里的第三次了，我都开始怀疑我脸上是不是写着“请背着我偷吃”这几个字了。FML
Today, I had to leave my boyfriend because he was unfaithful. This is the third time in as many years. I'm starting to think I have "Cheat on me" written on my face. FML

废物儿子
今天，我给了儿子安排了份工作，让他在我的一个商店里负责码放货架。我儿子他已经30多了，蠢到做过的每一份工作都因为能力不足被开除。我不想他饿死，也不想让他没钱交房租被赶出去，可我也不敢给他安排重要的工作，省得被他搞砸了。FML
Today, I gave my son a job as a shelf stacker in one of my stores. He is in his thirties and is so dumb that he has been fired from every other job for incompetence. I don’t want him to starve or lose his flat, but I also couldn’t give him an important job in case he screwed it up. FML

鹰的眼睛！
今天，我正在冲浪，突然看见警察在给我的车开单子，于是我就玩儿了命的往岸边游，想要让他高抬贵手。途中一个浪把我卷起来重重的甩在了礁石上。最后我抱着断了的冲浪板狼狈上岸，后背还蹭破了一大片皮，血淋淋的。等走到车边一看，单子上面写的是“您有个车胎瘪了”。FML
Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML

似乎也算赢了
今天，我终于鼓足勇气约我的长期暗恋对象出去吃饭，她特别爱吃海鲜。我发现自己对虾过敏是在吃完饭之后，下午没过多久我就开始感觉痒痒的不行。最后她帮我挠了一宿的后背。FML
Today, I found out that I'm allergic to shrimp, when I went out for a lunch with my long-term crush after I finally got the courage to ask her out. She's really into seafood. A little while into the afternoon I started to feel itchy. She ended up scratching my back all night. FML

新朋友
今天，我在刷牙时感觉嘴里有块硬东西。我自然就想着可能是刚刷下来的食物残渣，然后往池子里一吐。是特么一只土鳖潮虫。FML
Today, I was brushing my teeth when I felt a lump of something in the corner of my mouth. Naturally assuming it would be a bit of food that my toothbrush had dislodged, I spat it out into the sink. It was a woodlouse. FML

养鱼小百科
今天，我发现刚喂完鱼没多久，它就又饿了。我心说：“嗐，再喂点也撑不死它。”我错了。FML
Today, I noticed my fish was still hungry after feeding him earlier. I figured, "Eh, a little bit more won't kill him." I was wrong. FML

掌中宝
今天，我妈对我弟明目张胆的偏心到达了史无前例的高度，她为了庆祝他的18岁生日，斥资7000磅给他买了一辆梦中情车。你们知道去年我18岁生日时她送我了什么吗？一张存了10磅的银行卡以及一瓶廉价红酒，这酒最后还都让她一人喝完了。FML
Today, my mother's blatant favouritism of my little brother hit an all time high when she got him his dream car for his 18th birthday, to the tune of £7000. Do you know what she got me for my 18th last year? £10 in a card and a bottle of cheap wine that she ended up drinking herself. FML

八字胡
今天，我发现，我在吃东西的时候能用余光看见自己嘴唇上的胡子。我是女的，刚23岁。FML
Today, I realised that I could see my own mustache out of my peripheral vision while I was eating. I'm a 23 year-old woman. FML

表面工作要做好
今天，我被诊断出了抑郁症，爹妈对我大呼小叫的，因为它们不允许我得抑郁症，还因为我要是抑郁了，会显得他们俩是培养不出来快乐、正常孩子的糟糕父母。因此我必须快乐，否则就要受到惩罚。FML
Today, my parents screamed at me for being diagnosed as depressed, because I’m not allowed to be depressed, because me being depressed makes them look like bad parents who couldn’t raise a happy, normal child, so I have to be happy or I’ll be punished. FML

香蕉女郎
今天，我被抢劫了。那人抢我的时候还在吃着香蕉。FML
Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

虚拟人生
今天，我的国语老师只给我的创意故事作业打了74分。原来她多扣了10分是因为故事的情节线不切实际，过于戏剧化。这条情节线是改编自我的生活。FML
Today, my English teacher handed back my creative story assignment with a 74% on it. Apparently, she docked 10% because I had an unrealistic, overly dramatic plot line. That plot line was based on my life. FML

想得美
今天，我给老公做了一个纯素牛肉汉堡，打算在他没有发现的时候，跟他炫耀这玩意儿和纯肉的味道一模一样。结果这孙子刚咬第一口就给吐了，说这肉变质了，味道恶心死了。FML
Today, I fed my husband a vegan beef burger so I could show him that it tastes exactly the same when he didn’t notice. He noticed on the first bite and spat it across the kitchen because he thought the meat had expired before I cooked it, and tasted disgusting. FML

高期望
今天，我问老公为什么从来都不跟儿子说为他感到骄傲。他脱口而出，等到儿子能让他感到骄傲的时候，他肯定会亲口告诉他的。我们的儿子大学毕业，现在是一名实习医生。FML
Today, I was arguing with my husband how he has never told our son that he’s proud of him. Without missing a beat, he told me that when our son gets around to doing something he can be proud of, then he’ll tell him he’s proud of him. Our son is a university graduate and trainee doctor. FML

律师，我要律师
今天，物理老师不小心把我给点着了。FML
Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

不可能的任务
今天，我上司逼我打电话给上周被她开除的同事，让我抛下面子，卑躬屈膝的求他继续回来上班。上司放话说我最好能把他请回来，否则给我好看。问题是他不仅恨我上司恨得牙痒痒，还已经在日本找到了一份神仙工作，工资是原来的4倍，公司还给他配了车子和房子。FML
Today, my manager forced me to call the guy she fired a few weeks ago, and grovel shamelessly to him to come back to work, and that I'd better convince him to return, or else. The problem is, not only does he hate my manager's guts, he's now working a godsend job in Japan, which pays 4 times as much, and gave him a car and a house. FML

头疼
今天，还有过去3天，我的偏头痛大爆发。上班的时候头突然不疼了，这要谢谢我这喷的到处都是的鼻血。FML
Today, and for the past 3 days, I've had a massive migraine. It finally went away while I was at work, thanks to my nose bleeding all over the place. FML

农夫与蛇
今天，我在学校旁边跑步时看见一头鹿的角卡在了栅栏里。看着很可怜，我就想帮它“解除卡死”。费了半天劲，终于把它救出来了，哪想这鹿猛回头一角攮我腚上了。我这练了1年的马拉松是跑不成了。FML
Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

巴士霸王
今天，在下班回家的公交车上，我后面有俩女的老拽我头发。我扭头对她俩说：“没完了？牛逼把我头发剪了”等到家后我才发现，她俩还真就这么牛逼。FML
Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML