发霉啦：今天，我被分手了

指挥链
今天，我被分手了。是短信通知我的。她把分手短信发给了我奶奶，我奶奶又转发给了我。我被分手还是我奶奶告诉我的。FML
Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML

水火不容
今天，在海外驻军8个月回到家以后，我老婆觉得与其笑脸相迎，不如继续我俩在我离开当天发生的那场争吵。我开始怀念枪林弹雨的日子了。FML
Today, I got back from an 8 month deployment but rather than being pleased to see me my wife wanted to continue the same argument we were having the day I left. I miss being shot at. FML

我是谁？我在哪儿？
今天，我试镜了一部基于《基督山伯爵》小说的小成本独立影片，然后拿到了一个角色。我事先知道这是一部低预算的改编电影，但听到提醒说会有一些软色情镜头时还是挺惊讶的。可等我到了拍摄现场一瞅，这根本就是一部在破旧地牢里拍摄的基佬毛片啊！FML
Today, I auditioned for and got a part in a small independent film based on the Count of Monte Cristo. I knew ahead of time it was a low budget remake, but I was surprised to be warned there would be a few soft sex scenes. When I got there, it was blatantly a gay porn movie set in an old dungeon. FML

人生一课
今天，我定期辅导的一个孩子跟我聊工作之余的生活。聊完之后，她一脸严肃的告诉我别再荒度此生了，还应该找个男朋友。她才10岁，但是她没说错。FML
Today, a kid I coach on a regular basis was talking to me about what I did outside of work. After we were done with the conversation, she told me with a straight face that I needed to get a life and get a boyfriend. She's 10. And she's right. FML

喜欢骑车
今天，我的车库被闯空门，丢了辆3000刀的自行车。这车是一个月前我在膝伤恢复时买的。最近我腿部力量恢复的不错，2天前我才第一次骑上它。也是我的最后一次。FML
Today, my garage got broken into and someone stole my $3000 bike. I bought it a month ago while I recovered from a knee injury. I just got enough strength 2 days ago to ride it. I've only ridden it once. FML

该断不断，必留后患
今天，我正跟朋友一起，突然前女友给我打电话，我不想听她闹，于是就没搭理。大约5分钟后，她突然出现在我面前，大骂我是个一无是处的废物。几乎是骂完就走，等我到家时发现她正在跟我未婚妻说话，这都是啥几把？FML
Today, I was hanging out with friends when my ex called me, but I ignored the call because I don’t want drama. About five minutes later she shows up and starts yelling at me on how I’m so worthless and useless. She left almost immediately after this, but when I went home and she’s talking to my fiancée, like, WTF? FML

不显然
今天，一对夫妻说服我约他们的女儿出去，因为我们俩“显然”是两情相悦。我确实有暗恋她，于是我决定勇敢的去追求我的爱情。她不光说了“不”，还说：“恶心死了，怪胎，想都别想。”而她的父母就只是说：“哎呀，是我们看走眼了，对不住啦。”FML
Today, a couple convinced me I should ask out their daughter I went to school with, because it’s "obvious" we like each other. I do have a crush on her, so I decided to bravely go for it. She didn’t just say no, it was, “Ew, no, weirdo.” All her parents could say was, “Wow, we misjudged that, our bad.” FML

另一半过得如何？
今天，我已经离婚一年了。我那游手好闲的躁郁症前妻已经找到第三个男朋友了。而我独自拉扯着我们的孩子，尽管有尝试，但在离婚后还是连一次约会都没成过。FML
Today, it's been a year since my divorce. My deadbeat bipolar ex-wife is on her third boyfriend. I'm raising both our kids solo and, despite trying, have not even been able to land a single date since we seperated. FML

抓住机会
今天，一个小男孩帮我把买的东西搬到了家。然后他掏出来个单子让我签字，以证明他为老人服务了半小时。我才46岁。FML
Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML

台词别即兴发挥！
今天，在我的婚礼彩排上，我妈让我丈母娘滚蛋。FML
Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

这名声是毁彻底了
今天，我上楼洗澡。通常我会先上大号，冲了马桶再去洗澡。今天不但马桶堵了，我还发现爹妈家只有一个皮搋子，而且还放在了楼下的厕所里。我爸拿着皮搋子上楼帮我搋马桶，而我就光着屁股站在旁边。FML
Today, I went up to take a shower. I typically go to the bathroom first, I take a mega dump, then flush the toilet. Not only wouldn't the toilet flush but I found out my parents only keep one plunger on hand. It was in the downstairs bathroom. My dad came upstairs and plunged the toilet while I stood there naked. FML

别担心，IQ都是骗人的
今天，我在网上做了个IQ测试。作弊后才只得了70分。FML
Today, I took one of those IQ tests on the internet. I cheated and still got a 70. FML

单身人人爱
今天，我参加家庭聚会，好几个亲戚都问我为什么还单身。为了缓和气氛，我开玩笑说我其实是有爱慕者的。小侄子大声问道：“你是说你的猫吗？”他说对了，但仔细一想，我自己也不太确定猫猫是否真的那么喜欢我。FML
Today, I went to a family gathering and was asked by multiple relatives why I was still single. Trying to lighten the mood, I joked that in fact I do have a secret admirer. My little cousin yelled out, "Is it your cat?" He was right, even though, come to think about it, I'm not sure my cat even likes me all that much. FML

再问问别人吧
今天，我去看专家号，跟她说我现在吃的一种药快把我搞疯了。我吃完以后抑郁的特别厉害，又开始拿刀割自己了，甚至还想冲到马路上让卡车撞死。专家说我应该“克服一下”。FML
Today, I saw my specialist and I told her that one of my medications is messing with my head too much. I said that it’s making my depression so bad I have started cutting again, and want to walk in front of a truck. They said I just have to "suck it up". FML

天降黄金
今天，我正坐在公寓一楼的门廊里，楼上邻居喝多了决定尿一泡。这是我人生中的第一次黄金浴。FML
Today, I was sitting on the porch of my apartment when my drunk upstairs neighbour decided to take a piss. I got my first golden shower. FML

救命
今天，我和朋友一起去海边。我在海水里畅快的划着水，时不时还跟岸边的朋友挥手打招呼。突然我被卷进了一股强劲的水流中，多亏了救生员我才得救。上岸后救生员给我了一条腕带，上面写着“需要成人监护”。FML
Today, I went to the beach with friends. While splashing around in the ocean and waving to my friends who were sitting on the sand, I got caught in a strong current and had to be rescued by a lifeguard. They gave me a wristband that said, "Needs Adult Supervision". FML

活该
今天，我想着躲在公司的制冰机后面猛的蹦出来吓人肯定贼有意思。我吓的第一个人就拿滑板爆了我的头。FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to hide behind the ice machine at work and jump out randomly and scare people. This resulted in my first victim whacking me in the head with a skateboard. FML

快乐公共交通
今天，我第一次从公司坐公交车回家。车上很挤，我看见有个空座就一屁股坐了上去。然后，我的内裤慢慢的变潮了。是呕吐物，这座儿上全都是！FML
Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

人能有多残忍？
今天，我前夫出于恶意，给我们的自闭症儿子买了条狗。儿子一直想养狗，我无法想象要是跟他说不许养，他得暴力成什么样子。自从离婚之后，我这点收入甚至不够我们娘俩吃饭的，养狗真的是我俩无法负担的奢侈，而我前夫也清楚这一点。完全是纯粹的恶意。FML
Today, out of spite, my ex bought our autistic son a puppy. He's always wanted a dog and I can’t imagine how violent he will get if I tell him we can’t keep it. Since the divorce, I can barely feed us, so a dog is an expensive luxury we simply can’t afford, and my ex knows that. Pure spite. FML

简单生活
今天，男朋友一直闷闷不乐，因为他原以半个月的陪产假会是我们的孩子一天睡18个小时，而他天天打XBOX工资还照常发。可他错了，刚过了3天，他就已经精疲力尽的各种抱怨了。FML
Today, my boyfriend is sulking because he actually thought two weeks paternity leave was going to be our new baby sleeping 18 hours a day while he played his Xbox, and get paid not to go to work every day. He was wrong, it’s been three days, and he’s exhausted already and whining. FML

汗子，你可太脏了
今天，我发现男朋友在过去3年里完成的唯一一个正面成就是他开始用除臭剂了。FML
Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

拒绝
今天，我表示想和女朋友来一发，被她一脸嫌弃的拒绝了。于是我就告诉她，干脆还是自己撸一发得了，听完她说：“你敢！”。FML
Today, I started coming on to my girlfriend, only to get a nasty rejection. I told her I would just go jerk off, to which she replied, "Don't you dare!" FML