发霉啦：今天，我独自开车横跨澳洲

过来人
今天，我独自开车横跨澳洲，4天后终于站在了家门口前面，掏兜才发现家门钥匙落在了出发点。FML
Today, I finally got home after driving solo for 4 full days across Australia. I left my house keys where I started. FML

世上只有妈妈懂
今天，谈了4年的男朋友和我掰了，因为他妈让他这么干的。FML
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML

诸君好运
今天，我意识到自己为了一个天杀的职称考试浪费了10年时间。我已经考了3次了，全都没过。今年9月份是我最后一次机会，要是那会儿还没考过，我也不知道这辈子还能干点啥了。42岁这个年龄换一个行当似乎有点太过困难了。FML
Today, I realised that I wasted 10 years of my life studying for a godforsaken exam for my career. I took the dang exam 3 times, and failed it. This September will be my last and final attempt, and If I don't make it, I don't know what I will do with my life. Changing careers at 42 just seems too difficult. FML

爆炸新闻
今天，我不得不跟超级保守的爹妈坦白，我刚刚去见那个本该不存在的男朋友，是为了亲口告诉他我怀孕了。FML
Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I'm pregnant. FML

冷静点
今天，一名女患者突然发飙，尖叫着骂我是变态，还发誓说因为我让她脱掉胸罩这事儿肯定要办了我。我特么可是护士，她到我们医院是来做乳腺检查的。说真的，现代人的智商真是日渐衰退。FML
Today, a woman flipped her shit, screamed that I’m a pervert, and swore she’d have my ass for asking her to remove her bra. I’m a nurse and she was in the clinic for a fucking breast exam. I swear people get dumber by the day. FML

没安全感的爷们儿可真多
今天，男朋友向我下达了最后通牒：公司旅游和他二选一。我选择了旅游，他向我保证，等我回来绝逼见不到他了。他不爽在哪儿？我们老板觉得订民宿比酒店便宜，然后男同事们也都住一起。FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum: either cancel my amazing work trip or stay with him. I chose the trip and he assured me he’d be gone by the time I got back. His issue? My boss thought it’d be cheaper to get an AirBnB instead of getting us all hotel rooms, and that men are also going. FML

这玩笑已经不好笑了
今天，我跟老公说我不太饿，他要是饿了就自己做着吃。于是他就开玩笑的打给了我的西班牙后妈，抱怨说我不是做老婆的料。然后我后妈嗖的就来家了，忽扇着她的拖拉板儿，逼着我去给他做饭。我老公有点过意不去，但是在他丈母娘走了以后，就又变回了一头死猪。FML
Today, I told my husband that as I wasn't hungry, he had to cook for himself. He rang my Spanish stepmother as a joke to complain that I’m not wifey material. She showed up, whacked me with her Chancla, and browbeat me into cooking. He feels hella guilty, but he’s still a dead man once she leaves. FML

新歌素材
今天，领导来我工作的宠物美容沙龙检查工作，然后教育我说远离狗狗“咬人区域”的重要性。话音未落，我就被手头的狗狗咬了。FML
Today, my manager came into the dog grooming salon I work at, lecturing about the importance of staying out of a dog's "bite zone". Right then, the dog I was working on bit me. FML

下一阶段：爱情
今天，我帮谈了8年的男朋友安装Google Mini，因为他老是抱怨这东西用不了，我耳朵都快听出来茧子了。成功安装之后，我说给他设置一下快速拨号，然后就在他的手机里找我的电话号码。他存的名字是“淫欲”。FML
Today, I was helping my boyfriend of 8 years set up his Google Mini after he complained a thousand times that it wasn't working. As I successfully set up, I got to the part where one can set up speed dial contacts and we looked for my contact on his phone. I saw my name was saved as 'Lust'. FML

干得漂亮！
今天，在经过了节食、疯狂锻炼还有颠覆以往的生活方式后，我终于达成了瘦身目标。但我爹妈还是对我17岁的弟弟和女朋友上三垒更欣喜若狂。FML
Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising, and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to third base with his girlfriend. FML

过分了
今天，我妈老是叨叨我，让我赶紧找个媳妇成家，好让她抱孙子。可我对结婚生子这些事儿是一点兴趣都没有。她不肯相信我一个人过的很爽，还偷偷给我注册了Tinder。FML
Today, my mother keeps nagging me to find a wife, settle down, and have kids, even though I have zero interest in any of those things. She refuses to understand that I’m perfectly content being completely on my own. She even signed me up to Tinder without my knowledge. FML

活出他最好的人生
今天，我老公，那个我爱他胜过一切的男人，郑重的对我说他其实是gay，他没法再这样骗自己了，然后就搬出了这个家。我心碎了一地，去跟我朋友哭诉，结果他们却说我应该赞美他的勇气，不要只顾自己，然后就去跟他一起狂欢了。FML
Today, my husband, who I love more than anything, announced that he was gay, couldn't live a lie anymore, and moved out of the house. I'm utterly devastated, and when I tried to cry to my friends, they said I should celebrate his courage and stop being selfish, then ran off to party with him. FML

走形
今天，我第一次去健身房，自我感觉极其良好。结果光跑步机上“热个身”就让我体力透了支，赶紧跑回家去吐。FML
Today, I was feeling really good about going to the gym for the first time. That was until I got so worn out from my “warm up” on the treadmill that I had to go home and spew. FML

听起来……还挺好吃？
今天，我往盘子里放面包片的时候手一滑，竟在无意间发明了一款新式三明治佳作——双层蒜香三文鱼佐巧克力酱三明治。FML
Today, by being clumsy when putting my bread slices on a plate, I invented a sensational new type of sandwich: The Nutella-Salmon-Garlic Double-Decker. FML

我不叫那名！
今天，我发现行进乐队的队友们都叫我“大胸小挫妹”，因为他们没人记得我的真名。FML
Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as "The short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

快乐与悲伤
今天，在20年的努力拼搏后，我终于得到了梦寐以求的工作。然后接到了电话通知，说我的母亲昏迷了，一直以来只有她孤身支持着我。我还没能亲口告诉她我得到了这份工作。FML
Today, I started the job of my dreams, which I’ve spent 20 years trying to get, only to get a call that my mom, who supported me when no one else would or could, went into a coma. I didn’t even get to tell her I started the job. FML

雄性危机
今天，还有过去几年，男朋友一直想要和我掰腕子。我算是比较娇小的女生，也不怎么锻炼，可我还没等到他的首胜。FML
Today, and for the past year, my boyfriend keeps wanting to arm-wrestle with me. I’m rather petite and I don’t exercise a lot, yet I’m still waiting for him to win, just even once. FML

在恰当的场合很有用
今天，我结束了昂贵的阿拉伯语课程。一共学了差不多半年，虽然我还不能流利的对话，但我现在可以说：“愿真主让你头疼，祝你在贝鲁特堵车俩钟头。”FML
Today, I finished the rather expensive Arabic language course I have been taking for about 6 months. I still can't hold a conversation, but I can now say, "May Allah give you a headache and you are stuck in Beirut's traffic for two hours." FML

吃得应该挺开心的
今天，我试着自己在家烤苹果挞。从烤炉里端出来的时候没拿稳，整个烤盘都地上了。我家狗子闻声而来，寻思这圣诞节提前到8月了？狼吞虎咽了至少一半。FML
Today, I tried my hand at baking homemade individual apple tarts. While taking them out of the oven, I dropped the entire tray on the floor. My dog acted like it was Christmas in August and scarfed at least half of them. FML

逃课变逃逸
今天，当我翘第四节课离开学校的时候，在停车场撞到了一辆车。而车主就是我翘那节课的老师。FML
Today, while leaving school to skip fourth period, I hit someone's car in the parking lot. It was the teacher's whose class I was going to skip. FML