发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，为了活得更健康，我给自己整了一大杯水果奶昔
健康目标
今天，为了活得更健康，我给自己整了一大杯水果奶昔。但让我没想到的是它会让我，或者说能让我一下午放湿屁放到脱肛。真的是知道的越多越不懂。FML
Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML
没试过就别逼逼
今天，我进屋撞见室友正在做AI。和我的毛绒玩具龟。在我的床上。FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex. With my stuffed turtle. On my bed. FML
兄弟，这是咋了？
今天，我进门撞见老婆在我哥的大腿上上下跃动。结果她还大发雷霆，嚷嚷着都是“我的错”，回家也不提前言语一声，坏了所有事儿。而后她摔门而去，我哥窘迫的提上裤子，也离开了房子。FML
Today, I walked in on my wife bouncing up and down on my brother’s lap. She proceeded to throw a tantrum, crying that it was “my fault” for coming home unannounced and ruining everything. She then stormed off into our room. My brother just sheepishly pulled his pants up and left our house. FML
大脑已下线
今天，在跟媳妇儿发了一整天的调情短信后我到了家，因为停电家里漆黑一片。饥渴难耐的我一进屋，就从后面抱住了媳妇儿开始啪啪。结果她尖叫了起来。我怀里的竟然是因为停电来给我送蜡烛的老妈。FML
Today, after sexting with my wife for the whole day, I came home to a dark house due to a blackout. Being horny, I went in and started humping her from the back. She screamed. It was my mom who came to supply candles during the blackout. FML
无价
今天，我度完蜜月回了家。从新西兰回澳洲的机票多钱？8600块。在异国他乡住一个礼拜多钱？7200块。那抓到新任老公在泳池边儿抠酒吧女服务员呢？真特么的无价！FML
Today, I got back from my honeymoon. Return flights from Australia to New Zealand? $1,800. A week’s accomodation in another country? $1,500. Busting my new husband finger banging a barmaid by the public pool? Fucking priceless. FML
大醉
今天，我跟同事在酒吧外等着接我老爹上车。结果我那烂醉如泥的老爹坐上车后，没有向我们打招呼，而是死死的瞪着我同事的双眼，然后问他：“你他妈睡我闺女了？”FML
Today, my coworker and I were waiting outside the bar to pick up my dad. When he got in the car, my VERY drunk dad, instead of greeting us, looked my coworker dead in the eye and asked, “Are you fucking my daughter?” FML
寡妇
今天，和我约会的那个男的跟我说他是无性恋，我俩的关系顶多也就是拉拉小手了。在我跟他说我们不合适后，他骂我是“肤浅的婊子”。他让我一辈子放弃性和我让他跟我做难道不是一码事儿？显然不是。FML
Today, the guy I’d been seeing told me he’s asexual and our relationship would never go past holding hands. He called me a 'shallow bitch' after I told him we weren’t a match. Isn’t him asking me to give up sex forever the same as me asking him to have sex? Apparently not. FML
已读未回
今天，我有点来感觉了，于是就给男朋友发了张我柰子的照片。然后他把这张照片设置成了笔记本的桌面，又拍照发给我说：“mmm，周一前估计要换掉。”但他没把这条信息发给我，而是错发到了有他妈妈和他姐姐在的家庭群聊里，还没意识到。所有人都看到了我的ㄋㄟㄋㄟ。FML
Today, I was feeling saucy so I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. He then set it as his laptop's desktop screen, took a picture, then sent to me saying, "Hmm, should probably change this before Monday", only he didn't send it me, he sent to his family group chat with his mum and sisters and didn't realise. Everyone saw. FML
啵 啵 啵！
今天，在我遇见一个好男人并且几次约会都非常顺利后，我决定睡了他。我知道他之前就只有过一次经验，所以我就想可能会有些许尴尬，或者说他可能会有点不知所措。但让我没想到的是，他在床上的声音竟然像是哔哔鸟加瑞典大厨。FML
注：哔哔鸟出自《乐一通》动画系列，是歪心狼的死对头；瑞典大厨出自《大青蛙布偶秀》。
Today, after I'd met a nice guy and went on some really nice dates, I decided to sleep with him. I knew he had only been intimate once, so I expected some awkwardness, or that he might struggle. I didn't, however, expect that in bed he would sound like a cross between the Road Runner and the Swedish Chef Muppet. FML
长辈
今天，我爹一直跟我男朋友安利日本动漫。他原先压根儿不知道日本动漫，但现在可好了，下班刚到家就跟我爹坐在一起看新番，完全无视我的存在。事态已经严重到我半个月都没有做过了，因为他上床太晚了。FML
Today, my dad has indoctrinated my boyfriend into anime. He'd never heard of anime before but now, as soon as he gets home from work, he and dad sit to watch episodes together while ignoring me. It’s gotten so bad I haven’t had sex in two weeks because my boyfriend comes to bed too late. FML
口感
今天，我去看医生，确诊了我“下面”有轻微感染。这玩意儿不是性传播的，但是由于没有什么症状，医生就问我怎么发现不对劲的。我没好意思告诉他，是我老公在舔的时候发现味道和平常不一样。FML
Today, I went to the doctor, who confirmed I have a minor infection 'down there'. It’s not sexually transmitted, but since there were no obvious symptoms, he asked how I knew something was wrong, I just couldn’t tell him my husband was going down on me and noticed it tasted different from normal. FML
再来点瓜！
今天，我女朋友眼瞅着吵不赢我了，于是就开始脱衣服索爱来分散我的注意力。我跟她说成熟点，把衣服给我穿好，可她又因为这点生气了。顺带一说，吵架的原因是因为她把我妈的骨灰倒进了垃圾桶里，我可不在乎还能不能再来上一炮，这场架我特么赢定了！FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to distract me from an argument I was winning by taking off her clothes for sex. Then she got mad when I told her to grow up and get dressed. By the way, the fight was over how she threw my mom's ashes in the trash, I don’t care if we never have sex again, I’m gonna win this argument. FML
你是不是忘了点啥？
今天，我终于意识到女朋友养的澳洲牧羊犬影响了所有的一切，从每一个拥抱、吻别到我们尝试负距离的时候。最恶心的是她根本无所谓。看起来这又是一个让傻哔狗挡在我们中间的夜晚。FML
Today, I've come to the realization that my girlfriend's mini Australian Shepherd dictates everything, from a hug and kiss goodbye, to when we try to have sex. The worst part is she won't do anything about it. Looks like another night with the damn dog between us… FML
欢迎……
今天，我家隔壁搬来了个新邻居。她特别年轻，所以我就跟她说需要修剪草坪了随时说。结果她爹因为这个要跟我干架，因为他觉得我这话是性暗示。FML
Today, my new neighbor moved in. Because she was fairly young, I offered to mow her grass whenever it needed cut. Her dad then tried to start a fight with me because he thought it was sexual come-on. FML
警示
今天，刚在一起两周，男朋友就买了一年的健身房会员送我当生日礼物，还附了一张卡片写着：“这样你才能变性感！爱你哟！”FML
Today, after being together for only two weeks, my boyfriend got me a year's gym membership for my birthday, in a card that said, "So u can b hott! Luv u!" FML