我挺喜欢你这儿的装修的
今天，在我首付花了多半月的工资租下了一套新公寓的一周后，发现收我钱的“房东”是个骗子。实际上真正的房东当时还在度假中，骗子偷走了她屋里大部分的家当，然后才带我看的房。FML
Today, a week after spending most of my paycheck on a down-payment and rent on a new apartment, I found out the "landlord" I paid was a scammer. Turns out the real owner was away on vacation, and he'd stolen most of her stuff before showing me the place. FML
好氛围又被狗屎言论毁了
今天，我躺在草地上，望着天空还有飞过的飞机。我男友依偎着挤在我身边，这一刻真的很甜蜜。然后他开始跟我讲解头上的飞机是怎么留下“化学尾迹”的，还有他坚信CIA是用来精神控制我们所有人的。FML
Today, I was laying in the grass, staring into the blue sky and watching planes go by. My boyfriend snuggles down next to me; it was a sweet moment. He then told me all about how the planes above are leaving "chem trails", and that he believes the CIA is out to mind-control us all. Right. FML
计划父母
今天，我得知了人生中最让我震惊的一个事实——我的出生是一个错误。他们没把我送去领养的唯一原因是养我有退税。FML
Today, I got the biggest shock in my life when I found out that I was a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML
我这是要去哪儿？
今天，在高速公路上开车时，我打喷嚏用力过猛，把隐形眼镜都喷飞了。FML
Today, while driving on the motorway, I sneezed so hard my contacts popped out. FML
华而不实
今天，未婚夫威胁说我要是再找不到一条“像样儿”的婚纱就别结婚了。我很中意我挑的那一条，穿上非常合身，而且还远低于我的预算。他不高兴是因为严格来说，这是一条伴娘穿的。FML
Today, my fiancé actually threatened to leave me if I didn't find a "real" wedding dress. I love the one I picked out, it fits me perfectly, and was well below my budget. He's upset because it's technically a bridesmaid dress. FML
混蛋
今天，我开车行驶在漆黑的乡间小路上，车窗大敞着。突然，一只巨大的猫头鹰从一侧的车窗钻了进来，撞上了我的头，导致我一下把车开进了沟里。FML
Bastard
Today, I was driving down a dark country road with the windows down. Suddenly, a giant barn owl flew through my side-window and smacked into my head, causing me to drive into a ditch. FML
服装故障
今天，我第一次在别人的婚礼上表演。音乐刚一响起，我就听到啪嗒一声。由于我那一马平川的胸部，我慢慢感到无肩带的胸衣滑落的越来越低。就在我登台演出之时，内衣扣子竟然坏掉了！FML
Today, I performed for the first time at someone's wedding. When the music started, I heard a click. Slowly, I felt my strapless bra drop lower and lower due to my non-existent breasts. The hook on my bra had broken at that very moment on stage. FML
想要自己生去
今天，女儿跟我说再也不想见我了，就因为我去堕胎了。她想让我把孩子生下来，然后再送给她，这样她就能当自己孩子养了。FML
Today, my daughter told me she never wants to see me again because I had an abortion. She wanted me to have the baby and then give it to her so she could raise it as hers. FML
突发新闻
今天，凌晨2点，继父把我喊了起来，就为了告诉我说他买了个三明治。FML
Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML
这街区怎么回事儿？
今天，我在外面跑步，忽然看到一个骑车的小女孩摔倒了，在地上哇哇哭。我赶紧跑过去看她受伤没。结果她的邻居以为我是要绑架她，于是挥舞着棒球棒让我赶紧滚，否则就打死我。FML
Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML
孩子，起开！
今天，在北卡罗来纳的群山中徒步时，经过近1个小时的追踪，我终于发现了那头鹿。我在3米外欣赏着它，享受着每一个瞬间。没过一会儿，外甥女突然在河对岸朝我喊，问我找到那头鹿了没。然后鹿就跑掉了。FML
Today, while hiking in the mountains in North Carolina, I finally got to the deer I had been tracking for almost an hour. I was watching it from about 10 feet away, and enjoying every moment. Within a few seconds, my niece yelled from across the river to ask if I had found it. It ran away. FML
妈你干啥啊？
今天，我妈把我的避孕药换成薄荷糖时让我逮个正着。我真不知道哪个更惨——是她为了抱外孙能做到何种地步，还是她以为避孕药让我口气清新时我不会发现有问题。FML
Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML
快乐一家人
今天，我高兴地向朋友们介绍我的继父，说这是我爸。他跟我说：“你特么不许再这么叫我。”FML
Today, I happily introduced my stepfather to my friends as my dad. He told me, "Don't ever fucking call me that." FML