武运昌隆
今天，我儿子被四个小男孩围殴。我女儿突然就冲了过去，如同约翰·塞纳一般揪着这帮小混蛋一顿收拾。我儿子丝毫没有感恩之心，不但不感谢他姐救了他的狗命，反倒还埋怨他姐这么做让他显得很弱。FML
Today, my son was getting jumped by four boys. My daughter came outta nowhere like freakin John Cena and started rag dolling those little punks. Instead of being thankful and grateful that his sister saved his ass, he decided to complain that she made him look like weak. FML
好耶
今天，我跟老板聊天时，他夸我真牛逼。然后伸手要跟我碰拳，结果我伸歪了。FML
Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML
死变态，滚远点
今天，一个40多岁的男的跟我搭讪(我14岁)，还跟我说女人穿衣服要有女人样儿，就因为之前我跟朋友开玩笑说想在返校日穿牛仔裤。顺带一提，我也不是女的。FML
Today, 40-something year-old man hit on me at the mall (I'm 14), then told me that ladies needed to dress like ladies after I made a joke to my friend about wanting to wear jeans to homecoming. I'm not a girl btw. FML
多吃膳食纤维
今天，我拉屎时太用力了，把鼻血都顶出来了。FML
Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML
方法派演技
今天，我要在一场话剧中表演生孩子。我想尽可能的演的逼真一些，结果一不小心在舞台上拉了裤子。FML
Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML
埋头工作
今天，为公司奉献15年之后，我得到的只有一个刻有“15”的胸针，还有一个大礼包，里面是铅笔、小记事本、钥匙链还有一个印有“感谢你的付出”的马克杯。我给HR发邮件，写下了我值得升职加薪的理由，结果他们威胁要“纪律处分”我。FML
Today, after working at the company for 15 years, all I got was a pin with the number 15 on it and a little bundled package of a pencil, small notebook, keychain and a mug saying “Thank you for all you do!” I wrote an e-mail to HR as to why I deserved a raise or bonus. I got threatened with “disciplinary action.” FML
吃藕
今天，我女友在她姐姐的婚礼上接到了捧花。我把这事儿当做了天意，于是到家后我就向她求了婚。她哈哈大笑说没可能的。我人没了。FML
Today, my girlfriend caught the bouquet at her sister's wedding. I took it as a sign so after we got home, I proposed. She laughed and said no way. I'm done. FML
吓尿
今天，我在一家陶器店工作，当我把一个300美金的小雕像装进一位女士的后备箱时，我瞥见里面躺着一只被肢解下来的脚。吓得我手一软，雕像掉在地上摔碎了。原来那只脚是假的，老板说我得赔偿损失。FML
Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML
嗨？你是在找我吗？
今天，我去机场接我妈，因为我快该生了。她到了以后，我笑开了花，张着胳膊去拥抱她，谁知她擦肩而过。好家伙的，怀孕使我变了个人。我跟老公俩人还得追着她，跟她说我是她女儿。FML
Today, I was at the airport to pick up my mother since my baby is due soon. As she arrived, I smiled wide and opened my arms for a hug, but she walked right by me. Apparently, being pregnant makes me unrecognizable. My husband and I had to tell it her was me, her own daughter. FML
不可接受！
今天，我又经历了一场分手。这已经是2年里的第四次了。他们没有一个能接受我跟前夫仍是好朋友——而且他还是货真价实的GAY。FML
Today, I went through another breakup. This will be my fourth in two years. None of them could handle or accept that I'm still best friends with my ex-husband, who is actually gay. FML
便宜没好货
今天，我跟男朋友抱怨说水费超支太多了。然后他说：“可别找我啊，我连澡都不洗。”FML
Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML
忠言逆耳
今天，我不得不开车去酒吧接我妈。在回家的路上，她不停地感谢我，然后说道：“还好你没有自己的生活！”FML
Today, I had to pick up my drunk mom at bar. While we were driving home, she thanked me over and over again, and then said, "Thank god you have no life!" FML
这家人有啥毛病？
今天，我第一次见新女友的青春期儿子。他张口第一句话就是：“所以你就是那个一直在搞我妈的家伙啊。”然后整晚他都在问我，我们是怎么做的，还有他妈妈的床上功夫如何。她听我跟她儿子讲她床上那些事儿反而觉得还特有意思。FML
Today, I met my new girlfriend's teenage son for the first time. His first words were, "So you're the guy who has been banging my mom." The rest of the evening he kept asking what we have done and if his mom was good at it. She thought it was awfully funny to hear me tell her son how she was in bed. FML