坏爸爸
今天，我和未婚妻双方的家人见了面，我最恐惧的噩梦也成了真。我那混蛋老爸得知她的父亲是位牧师，见面第一句话就问：“最近猥亵儿童还顺利吗？”没一会儿就爆发了殴斗，我们被踢出了家门。我要彻底和他断绝关系。FML
Today, my family and my fiancée's family met each other and my worst fear came true. My asshole dad found out my fiancée's dad is a reverend and his first sentence was, "How's the molestation business these days?" It didn't take long before a brawl erupted and we were kicked out. I'm cutting him off for good. FML
好女孩
今天，在杂货店，有一个想要买茶叶的老太太在寻求帮助。于是我就帮了她一把，花了20分钟大声阅读不同的标签，直到她找到了青睐的那款茶。完事儿后，她塞给我了一本小册子，对我说：“你是个好女孩。希望你不会下地狱。”FML
Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FMLFML
背叛
今天，我发现谈了6年的男朋友/未婚夫一直偷偷地和我的继妹有一腿。现在她还怀孕了。FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of 6 years and fiancé has been secretly dating and hooking up with my step-sister behind my back. Now she's pregnant. FML
全面爆发
今天，我决定把阁楼里的旧电扇拿下来用。插上了电源，就在我打开的一瞬间，小蜘蛛们被吹的满屋子都是。FML
Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML
老鞭炮
今天，我跟老爸出门去打靶，他拿了把祖父的枪。我还从来没用过这把枪，爸爸叮嘱我要小心点。子弹炸膛了，崩开的枪管划伤了我的脸，还炸聋了我一只耳朵。而我爸还在埋怨我“没有正确开枪”。FML
Today, I went shooting with my dad and he brought his grandfather's rifle with him. I’ve never shot it before and he told me to be careful with it. The bullet exploded, ruptured the barrel, cut my face, and made me deaf in one ear. Dad still blamed me for “not shooting it properly.” FML
按部就班息
今天，上班时，老板喊我去打扫洗手间。有人把屎拉在了地板上，我正好踩在了上面，还把经理的钥匙串掉马桶里了。然后我咬着牙清理好我的鞋，厕所的地板，最后还得伸手到马桶里去捞钥匙。FML
Today, while at work, my boss asked me to clean the bathroom. Someone had pooped on the floor and I stepped in it, dropping my manager's keys into the toilet. I then had to clean up my shoe and the floor, and put my hand in the toilet to get the keys. FML
房间里的大象
今天，我听见男朋友打电话给他哥，说他也不知道为啥，就觉得上个周末过的是真爽啊，老惬意了。上周五我俩吵架之后我就一直不理他。我应该知道他为啥周末过这么好了。FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend on the phone to his brother saying that he didn’t know what it was, but he felt like he’d had a really good weekend, and he was feeling much less stressed. I’ve been giving him the silent treatment since we argued Friday morning. Guess I know why he had a good weekend. FML
艹
今天，我被泰瑟枪电了，电我的那把枪还是我送给女朋友让她防坏人用的。FML
Today, I got tased, with the same TASER I bought my girlfriend to use on people trying to rob her. FML
你人呢？
今天，老板给我打电话，问我为什么没来上班。我就在员工休息室，进来之前还跟她点头打招呼呢。FML
Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I was in the staff room. I'd said hello to her as I came in the door. FML
算吧
今天，我的老板是个特别邪恶的女人，邪恶到今儿上午隔了几户远的邻居开始打钻，我就吓得漏了尿，当时我还以为是手机在震，是我老板打电话喊我周末去加班。不得以我又换了身新睡衣。这算不算PTSD？FML
Today, my boss is such an evil evil woman that this morning when a neighbour a few doors up started drilling something, I peed a little in fright because I though it was my phone vibrating from her ringing to ask me to work the weekend. I had to change my pyjamas. Does this count as PTSD? FML
巧合呵呵呵呵
今天，我带新女朋友回家吃饭。我妈异常安静，我还以为她想要表现的客气些。晚饭结束后，我妈把我叫到一遍啊，问我为啥从不提起女友和我哥谈过？显然全家就只有我不知道。FML
Today, I brought my new girlfriend home for dinner. My mom was being unusually quiet, so I thought she was trying to be polite. After dinner, she pulled me aside and asked why I'd never mentioned that my girlfriend had dated my brother. Apparently everyone knew except me. FML
人是真烂
今天，我决定好辞职了。有一个傅首尔面相的女人想用食品券买宠物食品，我说不行，她气急败坏的直接把罐头砸到了我脸上。人们报了警，我边拿冰袋敷着肿胀出血的眉骨，还得边给警方提供证词。FML
Today, I’m ready to quit my job. An evil Karen became so enraged that I couldn’t let her use food stamps to pay for pet food that she launched a can right into my face. They called the cops and I had to give a statement, while holding an ice pack against my swollen, bleeding eyebrow. FML
公开处刑
今天，在泳池的更衣室，我身边都是半裸的人。我在换衣服时不小心碰到了手机的按键，手机发出了响亮的拍照快门声。所有人肯定都听到了。FML
Today, I was in a pool locker room, surrounded by semi-naked people. While changing into my clothes, I accidentally pushed a button on my phone, causing it to make the loud, unmistakable camera shutter sound effect. Everyone definitely heard it. FML
这下有意思了
今天，未婚夫提议我俩新婚蜜月时也带上我婆婆一起。FML
Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML