祸不单行
今天，在我弯腰去抱孩子的时候，一只黄蜂飞进了我的内衣。这把我吓得连蹦带跳的，黄蜂正好被夹在了内衣和柰子的当之间，蜇中了我的柰头。现在柰头肿起来了，颜色古怪，还一抽一抽的疼。因为我是母乳喂养，这奈头本身已经发炎了。FML
Today, as I bent over to pick up my baby, a wasp flew into my bra. I jumped up in a panic, flattening the wasp between my boob and my bra, where it stung me on the nipple, which is now swollen, a funny colour, and throbbing. Did I mention the nipple was already irritated from breastfeeding? FML
是时候了
今天，我妈说要公布一个重磅消息。我一直在劝她戒烟，因为我跟着她吸了20年的二手烟。今天她得知二手烟也会严重危害动物的健康。她的重磅消息就是要戒烟了。她不想害了自己的狗狗。FML
Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that secondhand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML
母亲难题
今天，21岁的女友终于鼓足勇气去告诉她的妈妈，她想要搬过来和我一起住。事实表明她的恐惧是正确的。商量期间，她妈妈冲着我们大喊大叫，骂她是荡妇，说她还没到“跟男人同居的年龄”。FML
Today, my 21-year-old girlfriend finally got the courage to tell her mom that she wanted to move in with me. It turns out she was right to be afraid; during the talk, her mother yelled at us, calling her a slut and saying she was too young to be "shacking up with some guy." FML
吓人
今天，在健身房我碰见一个瘆人的家伙盯着我看。我离开器械以后，发现他会闻我坐过的地方。第一次我没说啥，第二次瞅见他还这么干，我就让他别闻了。结果他附下身子，一边闻还一边跟我对视。FML
Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML
预期之外
今天，我兴冲冲的告诉老公，说我怀上二胎了。他一把撕碎了超声图，不停戳着我的胸喊我“赶紧他妈的去把孩子给打了”。FML
Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm expecting our second child. He ripped up the sonogram and yelled at me to "fucking get rid of it" while jabbing me in the chest. FML
矛盾信息
今天，邻居向我坦言说他自己恐同，而且挺遗憾没有告知自己的家庭。然后他花了一刻钟跟我解释，要是他摊上个同性恋孩子得多特么恶心。可就在昨晚，我花了俩钟头说服了他儿子——跟家里人坦白自己是gay是正确的选择。FML
Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesn't know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML
神明的干预
今天，未婚妻担心是食物中毒去了医院，结果出院时多了一个孩子，我们才得知她那是隐匿性妊娠。怀孕期间她体重没变化，也没有任何症状。更加奇迹的是，我俩都是女人。我的世界基本上完了。FML
Today, we learned that my fiancée was having a cryptic pregnancy when she went to the hospital fearing food poisoning and came out with a baby. She never gained a pound or showed any symptoms at all. Even more miraculous is that we’re both women. Yeah my world is pretty much over. FML
思绪万千
今天，我听见未婚妻在梦里呻吟，显然是来性趣了，于是我就把她晃醒好一起享受一下。这一场真的是酣畅淋漓啊……直到她喊出了另外一个男人的名字。再有两天我俩就要结婚了。FML
Today, I heard my fiancé moaning in her sleep. She was very obviously aroused, so I woke her up to have a little fun. The sex was absolutely mind-blowing… until she said another man's name. We're supposed to get married in two days. FML
难伺候
今天，我和新交往的女人做到高潮时不小心放了个屁。她说放屁可不是她的性癖，无论我怎么解释这就纯属意外，她还是坚持让我离开，还说她要是能原谅我的所作所为的话，大概会再联系我的。FML
Today, I accidentally farted during my orgasm with this new woman I’ve been seeing. She said she’s not into that sort of thing, and no matter how I tried to explain it was just an accident, she asked me to leave, and that she’d call me, maybe, if she can forgive me. FML
冒犯
今天，来了一位只会说西班牙语的顾客。我的西语还不错，于是就去服务她，最后她一下买了2300多刀的商品。结果我却因不讲英语被处分了，显然“其他顾客听不懂你说的可能会被冒犯到”。FML
Today, a customer came in who only spoke Spanish. I speak Spanish rather well so I helped the customer. She ended up buying $2300 worth of stuff. I got written up because not speaking English apparently "has the potential be offensive to other customers if they are not able to understand you." FML
搞砸了
今天，回家后我听见屋子里有动静，想着可能是有入室盗窃，于是我就报警了。谁承想抓到的是想给我弄生日惊喜派对的朋友和同事们。那之后谁也不搭理我了。FML
Today, as I returned home, I noticed some movement inside my house. Thinking it was a break-in, I called 911. It was my friends and some coworkers trying to throw me a surprise birthday party. Nobody's said a word to me since. FML
孩子，你挺行啊
今天，下班回家后我走进卫生间，然后在马桶盖上发现了一坨屎，我还以为是儿子用整蛊玩具来骗我的，就伸手拿了起来。是特么的真屎。FML
Today, I came home from work and went into the bathroom. I saw a poo on the toilet lid, and thinking it was a trick toy that my son had got to trick me, I picked it up. It wasn't a toy. FML
好时机
今天，我惊恐发作。不是在拥挤的列车上，不是在飞机上，也不是在学校，或是任何能意料之中的地方。而是在医生建议我参加的瑜伽课上，在做挺尸式的时候。FML
Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML
反转
今天，我正在跟老公争夺我那两条狗的抚养权。我在法庭上才得知，我们婚后的第一年里，他开车碾死了其中的一条狗，然后又去买了一条一模一样的，但是没有告诉我。他说：“我花钱买的，理当归我养。”FML
Today, my husband and I were are fighting for custody of MY two dogs. Then I found out in court that a year into our marriage, he ran one of them over with his car and then had to get a new matching one, and didn’t tell me. He said, “I paid for it so I should keep it.” FML