行吧，我等你们
今天，我疼到动弹不得。爹妈却说得先等他俩看完这场球赛，然后才能送我去医院。FML
Today, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't move. My parents said they couldn't take me to the ER until the football game on TV was over. FML
谢谢啊。。
今天，女朋友把她前男友的帽衫儿当作礼物送给了我。FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me her ex-boyfriend's hoodie as a gift. FML
匹配失败
今天，在我最近被诊断出要做骨髓移植手术后，女朋友就去做了配型检测，看她是否能当捐献者。检测结果显示配型失败时，她脱口而出：“谢天谢地！！！”FML
Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML
失控旋转
今天，我的狗在旋转门里决定拉一泡。我还没来得及做什么，旋转门就已经把狗屎给抹匀了。在时机把握上，我的狗可真是独一档呐。FML
Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML
呕，啥？
今天，我看到一个同事在用完电动奶泡器后，把它“舔干净”后又放进了休息室的餐具抽屉里。我真不知道这是她个人用的奶泡器，还以为和抽屉里的勺子一样是公用的。我还用了好几天。FML
Today, I watched a coworker use an electric milk frother, lick it “clean”, then put it back in the break room drawer with the rest of the utensils. I had no idea it was her personal frother. I thought it was for everyone’s use, like the spoons, and I’ve been using it for days now. FML
我讨厌这个工作！
今天，一名顾客扬言要一拳镶我脸上，就因为我工作的这家超市只有购物车，没有购物篮。FML
Today, at work, a customer threatened to punch me in the face because the store I work at doesn't have shopping baskets, only carts. FML
本能反应
今天，在我清理折叠刀的时候，突然发现腿上爬了一只蜘蛛。我的第一反应是：攮它。FML
Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML
逃，快逃
今天，在和一个帅小伙第一次约会时，我要去上趟洗手间。我想带上我的手提包，因为卫生巾都在里面，而大姨妈已经开始敲门了。可对方却坚持让我把包留下，以防我赖账逃单。FML
Today, while on a first date with a charming guy, I excused myself to the bathroom. I tried to bring my purse along, since my pads were in there, and mother nature was calling. He vehemently insisted that I leave my purse, in case I was planning on stiffing him on the bill. FML
我只是打工仔
今天，顾客对我出言侮辱，只因为他的前菜太腥了。我又不是厨子，我只是个小服务员，而且我们这儿是烤鱼店啊。FML
Today, I was verbally abused by a customer because her entrée was too fishy. I'm not the chef, just the waiter, and I work at a fish grill. FML
认证！
今天，男朋友说我孤僻。为了证明他是错的，我给一个朋友发信息。她回我说：“你是谁啊？”FML
Today, my boyfriend called me anti-social. To prove him wrong I texted one of my friends. She texted back, "Who's this??" FML
时机绝了
今天，我被女朋友甩了。在她妈妈的生日派对上，当着她全家的面儿。甚至还被他们录下来了。FML
Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML
我承诺。。。
今天，我跟男朋友交换了承诺戒指。我承诺会一直忠于他，他会是我的唯一。而他承诺不再背着我去约其他女生。他没开玩笑。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML
社会的威胁
今天，我和新养的狗狗一起坐在公园里，上周我刚从收留所那儿领养了它。我们就坐在那里享受着阳光，然后我意识到一有黑人路过，它就会疯狂的叫。好家伙，这狗种族歧视啊。FML
Today, I was sitting in the park with my new dog; I got her from the pound last week. We were enjoying the sun when I noticed that every time a black person walked past, she'd bark like crazy. Great, my dog is a racist. FML
解锁新经历
今天，我不得不开车送我老公去急诊，因为他的屁股里卡了根儿黄瓜。FML
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML