爱是……
今天，我飞去见深爱了3年的男人。结果我们一天都在沃尔玛。买皮搋子。我把他家马桶拉堵了。FML
Today, I flew to see the guy that I've been in love with for three years. We spent the day at Walmart. To buy a plunger. After I blocked up the toilet. FML
每天都有新知识
今天，结婚40年后，我患上了纤维性海绵体炎。还好我老婆很体贴。经过几个月的治疗后，疼痛难忍的弯曲情况好了很多，但是导致弯曲的瘢痕组织无法伸展。因此，我硬起来以后短了整整5公分。FML
Today, after 40+ years of marriage, I got Peyronie's disease. Thankfully, the missus is understanding. After months of treatment, the painful bend is a bit less so, but the scar tissue that causes the bend also does not expand. Because of this, I have lost a full 5 cm / 2 inches in length when erect. FML
压力之下
今天，在男朋友的请求下，我为他穿了一身网球服。他性奋到鼻血狂流，滴的到处都是。FML
Today, at my boyfriend's request, I put on a tennis dress for him. He was so turned on that he got a massive nosebleed and bled all over the place. FML
不会挑时候
今天，我进卧室发现老婆正趴在床上，一丝不挂，还朝着我一前一后的扭着屁股蛋儿，此时不做更待何时？结果我不但没有得到甜甜的爱，还被臭骂了一顿，说她没穿衣服不意味着想要爱爱。我跪了。FML
Today, I walked into the bedroom to find my wife naked, bent over the bed, swaying her cheeks back and forth at me, so what else was I to think? Instead of some good loving, all I got was a shouting and a lecture that just because she’s naked doesn’t mean she’s after sex. I give up. FML
谢谢你给我打气
今天，我产后有6周了。我特意买了套情趣内衣，想要给老公一个惊喜。一切都很顺利，直到我脱下了束腰。他显然有些退缩，但好人做到底，他倒是也没停。他坚持不让开灯，说自己“有些头疼，眼睛也不舒服”。FML
Today, I’m six weeks post-partum. I bought lingerie for the occasion and surprised my husband. It was going well until I took off my corset. He visibly recoiled but kept going to be nice. He insisted we keep the lights off because he “had a headache and his eyes hurt.” FML
吓软了
今天，男朋友见了我的爸爸和哥哥之后吓得要死。我本来计划这周末把第一次给他，现在好了，他很害怕我爸发现这事儿的后果，以至于无论我怎么做他都硬不起来。我真是谢谢了，混蛋老爸。FML
Today, my boyfriend met my dad and my brother, and is now shit scared of them. I was hoping to lose my virginity to him this weekend but he’s so scared of what my dad would do if he ever found out that he couldn’t get hard no matter what I did. Thanks a lot dad, you bastard. FML
我需要，也想要
今天，我在男朋友家。他对我上下其手，于是我推开了他，跟他说“想都别想”。他说：“好吧，我现在欲火中烧，需要亲自解决一下。你可以回家吗？”FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's apartment. He started coming on to me so I pushed him away and said, "No chance." He said "Well, I'm horny, so I'm gonna take care of it myself. Can you go home now?" FML
呼噜噜
今天，我躺在特大号的记忆海绵床垫上，未婚夫、2岁的孩子还有狗狗都在我身边安详的睡着。现在是凌晨2点15分。为什么我还醒着？因为他们仨都打呼噜，此起彼伏，无穷无尽。FML
Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML
家庭时光优先
今天，我丢掉了工作。因为我请假审批被驳回了，我妈还有继父还是逼着我和全家一起去度假。FML
Today, I lost my job because my mom and stepdad forced me to go on our family vacation, even though my time off got rejected. FML
承认吧！
今天，我妈说我嗑药，就因为家里有几个破勺子找不见了。FML
Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML
无论疾病还是健康
今天，老婆提出要离婚，因为我胖了150斤。我身体的一部分因为一场事故瘫痪了，这使我没法规律健身。按她说的，我就应该“让人有欲望”，还有“那地方啥也没了”。还好让我知道了过去的12年都是一场谎言。FML
Today, my wife filed for divorce because I gained 170lbs due to an accident that paralyzed me in one part of my body, rendering me unable to work out regularly. According to her, I deserve to be “desired” and “there’s nothing there anymore.” Nice to know the past 12 years were nothing but a lie. FML
秘密行动
今天，我被当众训了，就因为我老盯着一个坐着轮椅的哥们看。我之所以盯着，是因为他长得真好看。FML
Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring because he was so good looking. FML
危险区
今天，尽管我跟护士反复强调，我对非甾体抗炎药物有着严重过敏，她还是坚持用布洛芬治疗我的高烧。我跟她说我可能会过敏休克，她回答说：“那你可算休对地儿了！”还跟医生说我拒绝接受治疗。FML
Today, despite repeatedly telling the nurse I'm severely allergic to NSAIDs, she insisted she give me Advil for my high fever. When I told her I would go into anaphylactic shock, she said, "Well you are in the right place to go into anaphylactic shock!" and then told the doctor I was refusing treatment. FML
坏孩子
今天，我听见门口有动静，于是就趴到窗边看。结果发现男朋友在怂恿他的狗狗往我门口的垫子上拉屎。FML
Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML
苦日子
今天，我得知哥哥不会有葬礼了，因为爸爸和继母没钱办。FML
Today, I learned that my brother isn't going to have a funeral because my dad and stepmom can't afford one. FML
自首
今天，我看到一个电视节目，节目里一个男人说他有多爱这个女人，他是如何抓住一切机会去见她，他爱她的程度是多么的无人可及。我笑了，我对暗恋对象不也是这样的嘛。然后我才发现这节目是讲跟踪狂的。FML
Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that's exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML
