哥们，干嘛呢？！
今天，我听见屋子后面有滴水的声音，便出去一探究竟，结果发现一个人正在朝着我家的花园地精撒尿。FML
Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML
不用谢
今天，我遇见一位流浪妈妈和一位年轻男人裹在一张毯子里，于是我就走过去给了他们5美刀。没承想这位女士是为了安抚她自闭症的儿子才把他裹了起来，人家压根儿就不是无家可归。她给了我篮子一脚，然后在我满地打滚的时候又从我手里拽走了钱。FML
Today, I saw a homeless woman and a young man wrapped in a blanket so I went to give them a fiver. Turns out the woman was just helping calm her autistic son by wrapping him up, and not homeless at all. She kicked me in the balls and took the money anyway while I was on the ground. FML
史诗狂怒
今天，老公在我们家的门廊发现了一个大蜂巢。他没拿什么杀虫剂去喷，反而用吸尘器冲着蜂巢一顿吸。完事儿他还不清理吸尘器。我现在还能看见黄蜂们在集尘盒里愤怒的嗡嗡着，吓得我也不敢碰。FML
Today, my husband discovered a big wasp nest on the porch. Rather than spray it, he decided to suck up the wasps with the vacuum. He also did not empty it. I can see the still living wasps buzzing furiously inside the vacuum chamber and I'm scared to touch it. FML
寂静之声
今天，家里的墙太薄了，以至于我都能听见室友在楼上的厕所里大喊：“倾听我菊花的咆哮吧！”现在我不敢在他后面上厕所了。FML
Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML
30恶魔
今天，我是一名高中老师，终于学会了如何使用电子白板。我把笔记本电脑接上，然后播放课件……投屏出来的是我最后使用的程序：一封没打完的邮件，抱怨我现在所在班级的学生有多闹腾。30个孩子默默的读完了这封邮件。然后有一个孩子举手说道：“中肯。”FML
Today, I’m a high school teacher and I finally learned how to use the smartboard properly. I connected my laptop to demonstrate a lesson… and projected the last thing I had open: a half-written email complaining about how loud this exact class is. Thirty teenagers read it in silence. One kid raised his hand and said, “Fair.” FML
在路上
今天，开车时我超紧张，因为前一天刚遭遇了拿驾照以来的第一次事故。我刚在红灯前停下，接着就被追尾了。FML
Today, I was feeling super nervous about driving because I had my first accident the day before. As I stopped at a red light, I got rear-ended. FML
跳入
今天，我发现自己对黄蜂过敏。我还学到一个新知识，当妈妈用杀虫剂喷蜂巢时，黄蜂会飞出来追着你攻击，即便跳进水里也没用。因为它们会在水上盘旋，等着你浮出水面。FML
Today, I learned that I'm allergic to hornets. I also learned that when your mom sprays a hornets' nest, and they come after you, that jumping in the pool doesn't help. They hover and wait for you to surface. FML
份量控制
今天，老婆拒绝承认孩子们有肥胖问题。我一说她就会说那是身体羞辱。上次我们一起去公园，一个孩子从长凳上下不来，另外一个胖到坐不成滑梯，我们的女儿还卡在了秋千上。孩子们天天上气不接下气的，说个话都费劲。FML
Today, my wife refuses to acknowledge our kids’ weight problem. When I try, she claims bodyshaming. The last time we went to the park, one wouldn’t get off the bench, the other was too big for the slide, and our daughter got stuck in the swing. They were all so winded they couldn’t talk. FML
飞机不等人
今天，我的牛仔裤卡进了机场的扶梯里。我妈瞅了半天发现没法把裤子拽出来，于是就让我把裤子脱掉。FML
Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML
赶紧走
今天，是爷爷葬礼后的第二天，奶奶限我在30天内搬走。我和他们一起住了4年，帮忙照顾生病的爷爷。她已经把门锁换了，而且不肯给我开门。FML
Today, the day after my grandfather's funeral, my grandmother informed me I have 30 days to move out. I've been living with them for four years, helping take care of my sick grandfather. She's already changed the locks and won't unlock the door. FML
小问题
今天，我独自坐在空荡荡的公寓里，拎着威士忌对瓶吹。2周前，我和老婆已经准备好迎接我们第一个孩子的降生……只不过这小杂种的肤色不太对，而老婆那歇斯底里的眼泪也已道尽了一切。FML
Today, I sit alone in a nearly empty apartment, drinking from a whiskey bottle. Two weeks ago, my wife and I were ready to welcome our first child… except the little bastard was the wrong color, and my wife's hysterical tears told me everything. FML
干湿分离
今天，我在放了一个干爽的屁之后，以为自己的腹泻终于完事儿了。我以为这次的也会是个好屁，于是给它开了后门。可它不是。FML
Today, after thinking I was done with my diarrhea because my last fart was a dry one, I let loose with what was gonna be a good fart. It wasn’t. FML
盟友
今天，我还爱着我的前男友，可他现在已经有了新的对象。至少我现在知道他是gay了。FML
Today, I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, who is going out with someone else now. At least I now know that he's gay. FML
使用错误
今天，我的邮箱里收到了我的相机。之前开不开机，我就寄回厂家了。包裹上还附了一张厂家的便条，上面说：“电池装反了。没发现别的问题。”FML
Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML
得不到回应的爱
今天，我鼓足勇气想对认识了3年的男闺蜜表白，说我慢慢的爱上他了。我对他说：“我有些心里话，你要听吗？”他立马就慌了，拒绝道：“不，不要说。”并且请我离开。他完全不给我开口的机会，还岔开了话题。FML
Today, I was working up the courage to tell my male bestie of three years that I was starting to fall in love with him. I told him, “Hey, I wanna get something off my chest, do you mind?” He instantly panicked and said, “Nope, please don’t say it.” and asked me to leave. He never let me speak and changed the subject. FML
快看看这个
今天，我带女儿去大集上骑小马，还花钱拍了照片。回家后，我把照片发给了我妈。她看完后非常招人烦的指出，那匹漂亮小马正在显摆它那根漂亮小牛子。FML
Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML
