不是你想的那样
今天，有人听见了我在上班的时候呕吐。之后我就被叫到了一旁，还被告知不允许上班时宿醉。我不喝酒，我是怀孕了。FML
Today, at work, someone heard me throw up. I then got called aside and told being hungover at work is unacceptable. I don't drink. I'm pregnant. FML
悬而未决
今天，我在最后一轮裁员中幸存了下来，可我的小组、经理还有项目全都没能躲过去。现在我“汇报工作”的对象换成了之前高出我三个职级而且还从未听说过我的副总裁。我正在等HR幡然醒悟，因为目前真就意味着我啥也不用干还能拿到六位数的工资。FML
Today, I survived the last round of layoffs. What didn't survive is my team, my manager, and my tasks. Now I'm "reporting" to a VP who used to be three levels above me and has never heard of me. I'm waiting for HR to wake up and realize that this change literally means I get six figures for doing nothing. FML
魔法之旅
今天，医院把我妈转到了一家长期护理机构。我问了半天，院方没人知道她被转去的是哪一家。FML
Today, my mother was transferred from the hospital to a long-term care facility. Nobody I talk to at the hospital knows what facility they sent her to. FML
恶心完了
今天，我喝了我爸做的汤。只抿了一口就发现他往汤里放了超级多的辣酱。我急忙拿起台子上的那罐饮料往嘴里灌，进嘴才意识到我妈昨儿晚上拿它当了烟灰缸。我的嘴里仍旧残留着辣酱和烟灰的味道。FML
Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML
见见这对儿大白兔
今天，我走出家门，和邻居们挥手打招呼，然后穿过前院走到旁院，打开了洒水器。直到回屋里才想起来我上身儿光着呢。FML
Today, I walked out of my house, waved at my neighbors, walked through my front yard and into the side yard to turn off the sprinkler. It wasn't until I was back into the house that I remembered I wasn't wearing a top. FML
下流举动
今天，我不得不跟男朋友说，不要再在我们沟通时量自己的牛子了。FML
Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML
Heckles先生
今天，半夜我要睡觉的时候，楼上的邻居又开始干仗了。于是我起来站在床上，锤着天花板让他们闭嘴。现在我得跟房东解释天花板上的两个窟窿是怎么回事儿。FML
Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML
疯了
今天，我在看电影时没接我妈的电话，结果她就慌了，甚至要去报警说我失踪了。我31岁了，而且10年前就已经搬出来自己住了。FML
Today, my mother panicked and was about to report me missing when I didn't answer her calls while I was at a movie. I'm 31, and have lived on my own for over 10 years. FML
亲子鉴定
今天，女朋友跟她爹妈说她怀孕了。我俩甚至还没进展到发生关系那一步，但她说我是孩子的父亲。我女朋友不仅绿了我，她爹还想杀了我。FML
Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML
抽疯
今天，一场和客户的重要会议进入了尾声，我们纷纷起身和客户道别。结果我突然冒了句：“哈喽！”FML
Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML
血腥婚礼
今天，我爸拿枪打了我的未婚夫。他人还在，就是婚礼没了。FML
Today, my father shot my fiancé. He's fine, but the wedding is off. FML
毕业生
今天，在我教的毕业班，我问他们有谁出国去过加拿大和墨西哥以外的国家旅游过的。一个学生举起手得意的说道：“亚利桑那！”他的梦想是成为一名医生。FML
Today, in the senior class I teach, I asked my students who had traveled outside of the country, excluding Canada and Mexico. One student raised his hand and proudly stated, "Arizona". He wants to be a doctor. FML
想得美
今天，我搭讪了一个妹子，并拿“现在是什么时候？”作为开场白。她则回答说，是时候找个镜子照照你自己了。FML
Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML
动起来
今天，我帮我爸训练了1年让他恢复身材。我还以为他是为了健康，结果他是为了瞒着我妈和五个女人偷腥。FML
Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with five other women. FML
无题
今天，我在上厕所的时候决定逛一逛FML。有一条把我逗的狂笑不止，正好有个路过的室友听到了。现在他逢人就说我的牛子特别小，小到自己每次见到都会被逗笑。FML
Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML
对不起
今天，在和朋友们的周末旅行结束后，我回到了家，结果撞见了女朋友正在偷人。她瞬间梨花带雨的开始道歉。以下是她的原话：“真的对不起！我以为你明天才回来。”FML
Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML
