高危业务
今天，我在骑乘位的时候扭伤了膝盖处的肌腱。男朋友当时“就快要完事儿了”，于是就问我说在咱等救护车的时候，能不能让他重新放进来一会儿，“反正你躺着也是躺着嘛”。我要能站起来，非得抽他不可。FML
Today, I snapped a tendon in my knee during cowgirl position. My boyfriend was “so close to finishing” that he asked if he could just slip it back inside for a few seconds while we waited for the ambulance, “since you’re already lying down, Babe.” If I could stand, I’d have hit him. FML

浪漫已死
今天，我想像浪漫喜剧里那样，抱着女朋友转圈圈。刚开始转就听见“啪”的一声。剧痛使我尖叫着摔倒在地上，女朋友也跌在了我的身上。为了玩儿浪漫，我把膝盖给弄脱臼了。她才只有80斤重。FML
Today, I tried to lift my girlfriend and spin her around like in a Rom-Com. I started the spin, then heard a pop. The pain caused me to yelp and fall to the floor, dropping her on top of me. I dislocated my kneecap trying to be romantic. She only weighs about 90 lbs. FML

卫生警察
今天，老公和女儿突然到了我的公司。当时我正跟一帮同事站在一起，女儿冲了过来然后抱住了我。她的脸和我的裤裆一般高。她突然就撒手蹦了回去，说：“呕！一股臭鱼味儿。”FML
Today, my daughter and husband surprised me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumped back from the hug and said, "Ewwww, smells like fish." FML

今晚，在第一次约会时……
今天，我带第一次约会的女孩子去吃寿司。她坚称之前吃过，但筷子用的那叫一个费劲，我实在是于心不忍，便让服务员给她拿了个叉子。然后她把芥末误认为是鳄梨酱，吃了一大叉子的芥末。看来这约会是没下次了。FML
Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

安宁
今天，我老婆承认她之所以和我结婚，是因为我有份好工作，收入又够多，她能过上舒服的日子。不过我也不担心了，就现在她这个岁数，也没人会对她动心思了。FML
Today, my wife admitted that she settled for me because I had a good job and made enough for her to live comfortably. I shouldn't worry though, because now she's old enough that she won't be able to pull anyone more exciting or attractive. FML

安息
今天，有人在我爸的墓碑上拉了泡屎。FML
Today, someone took a shit on my father’s gravestone. FML

寒潮
今天，由于暴雪预警，我不得不在公司连上5天班，因为我这岗位必须全程有人。老板把冰箱里塞满了吃的，听起来挺不错，但全都是一些速冻和垃圾食品。我这肚子拉的菊花都开裂了，一擦就出血。FML
Today, I had to spend five days at work, as we were expecting a snow storm and my position must be staffed at all times. My boss stocked the fridges with food, which sounds nice, but it was all frozen dinners and junk food. I've had so much diarrhea that my asshole is chapped and bleeds when I wipe. FML

急诊室
今天，我朋友以为自己得了盲肠炎，于是我赶紧开车送他去看急诊。在候诊室里，我被一个孩子哕了一身。朋友的诊断结果？胀气。回家时他放了一路的屁。FML
Today, I drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis. While sitting in the waiting room, I got puked on by a child. My friend's diagnosis? Gas. So he also farted all the way home. FML

安全第一
今天，我们住在一个旅行拖车里。医生说我患有麸质过敏导致的乳糜泻。我那只听字面意思的老爹直接买回来了一袋无麸质狗粮。家里也昧养狗啊！！FML
Today, we live in a tiny trailer. My doctor said I have celiac disease. My dad, who takes things too literally, came back with gluten-free dog food. I don’t even have a dog. FML

不必了
今天，在商店排队结账时，我发现有个顾客的手推车要滑跑了，而她还没意识到。于是我就伸手帮忙挡住了手推车，回过神的顾客却对我一顿揍，说我要偷她的包。FML
Today, I was at the store when I saw that a cart in the checkout line next to me was starting to roll away and the owner hadn't noticed. I tried to help by reaching out to stop the cart from moving, but when the owner saw me with the cart, she began to hit me for trying to steal her purse. FML

Morris来过了
今天，有个人找我妈说：“我是您儿子的朋友Morris，我要从他车里取点东西。”于是我妈就把车钥匙给了他。我并没有什么叫Morris的朋友，现在我的车也没有音响系统了。FML
Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

失忆
今天，我的前老板给我打电话抱怨，说他3天前发邮件让我修的电脑故障怎么还没完事儿。我7个月前就离职了。我还让现在的领导接电话来着，好让他相信我是真离职而不是为了躲差事。真是个烂人。FML
Today, my former boss called to bitch me out for some computer issue he emailed me to fix three days ago. I quit my job there 7 months ago, and I had to hand my phone to my new manager to convince my old boss I really did quit and wasn’t just avoiding fixing the computer problem. Asshole. FML

狠人
今天，我奶因为试图抢劫赌场被捕了。她为此密谋了数月之久，还声称我是这场大劫案里的中坚分子。我才15岁，压根儿都不知道她在策划这些。FML
Today, my grandmother got caught trying to rob a casino. She was planning this for months, and is claiming I was an integral part of the heist. I'm fifteen and had no idea she was planning this. FML

仅可远观
今天，我往后备箱里装东西时，路过的一个男人冲着我说“真正啊”。当我抬头和他四目相对后，他立马面露难色，几乎是逃跑着溜掉了。我的颜值确实有这功效。FML
Today, as I was putting stuff into the back of my car, a man walked by and said I looked "super fine." When I looked up to look him in the face, he immediately looked disgusted and basically ran away. Apparently, my face does that. FML

玩物丧致
今天，四个月前，我给女朋友买了她心仪已久的震动棒。打那之后她再也没跟我做过。FML
Today, it's been four months since I bought my girlfriend the vibrator she'd been wanting. She hasn't wanted sex since. FML