不是我啊
今天，我正在洗澡，压根儿没听见外面的声音。结果有4个警察一直在敲大门，然后破门而入。他们原计划是突袭一个大麻种植园，可他们走错了房子。FML
Today, I was in the shower, oblivious to the outside world, when four police officers who had apparently been banging at my door, entered by force. They were doing a bust on a weed farm and got the wrong house. FML
没事的
今天，上班时我突发糖尿病休克。当我快要在地板上晕过去的时候，一名顾客吼我道：我咖啡怎么还没好？FML
Today, while at work, I suddenly went into diabetic shock. As I was nearly passed out on the floor, a customer yelled at me for not getting his coffee in time. FML
预先核准
今天，在攒了很多年钱以后，我终于准备买一套属于自己的房子了。我看上了一套不错的房，打算开价买下它。7分钟后，一个对冲基金经理买下了它，还是用的现金。FML
Today, after saving for years, I was finally ready to buy a home. I found a decent place. I put in an offer. A hedge fund bought it 7 minutes later, for cash. FML
表现不错！
今天，我穿着一双新高跟鞋去面试。面试过半，在他们向我展示生产车间的时候，有一只鞋跟突然断了。我像一只喝多了的火烈鸟一样，踩着剩下的一只鞋跟晃晃悠悠地坚持到面试结束。我没被录取，但是他们说：“你的平衡能力真强啊。”FML
Today, I wore a new pair of heels to an interview. Halfway through, as they were showing me around the production floor, one of my heels snapped. I was forced to finish the interview wobbling on one heel like a drunk flamingo. I wasn’t offered the job, but they did say, “You have great balance.” FML
紧急状态！
今天，我上着班突然“泄洪警报”响了。我赶紧冲进厕所，完事儿后才发现没有卫生纸了。就在绝望之际，我用笔记本上最后几页纸解决了难题。现在我害怕极了，万一老板问我要写在那几张纸上的报告可咋整。FML
Today, I had a major digestive emergency while at work. I rushed to the bathroom, just to realize there were no toilet paper rolls left. In a moment of desperation, I used the last few pages of my notebook to make do. Now I’m terrified of what’s going to happen if my boss ever asks for the reports I wrote in that notebook. FML
真言炸弹
今天，老婆睡觉的时候冲着我耳朵打呼噜。我推了她一下，她翻过身去开始说梦话。我觉得太好玩了，就听她在说些什么，直到我清清楚楚地听到她说：“我老公就是个信球，他不知道的。”究竟不知道什么啊？FML
Today, my wife was snoring in my ear. I nudged her, and she rolled over and started talking in her sleep. I listened, because it was funny, until I heard, quite clearly, "My husband is a dumbass, he's got no idea." No idea of what, exactly? FML
姐夫
今天，我终于知道为什么我姐一直不回我信息，也不接我电话了。她老公在她手机上把我的号码给屏蔽了。FML
Today, I found out why my sister hasn't been answering my texts or phone calls. Her husband blocked my number on her phone. FML
你赢了吗？
今天，我买了些葡萄。就点葡萄。结账时候一扫要特么14刀。我笑出声了，但收银员没有。现在开始我要把它们当成鲟鱼子酱，一天只吃一粒。FML
Today, I bought grapes. Just grapes. At the checkout, the total was $14. I laughed. The cashier didn’t. Now I'll be eating one grape a day like it's caviar. FML
我离不开啊
今天，我在急诊室醒来。之前因为不停咳嗽还有肺炎，我昏迷了过去。我跟领导报告说我今儿在医院，感染还没好，血压235/163，所以今天没法去上班了。他问我：“你意思就是，想让同事替你这懒B干活？”要不是因为身体不行我就离职了。FML
Today, I woke up in the ER after constant coughing and pneumonia made me pass out. I told my boss I was in the hospital with an infection and 235/163 blood pressure, so I wouldn’t be in. His response was, “So, you are a lazy POS and expect your colleagues to cover you?” I’d quit if my health was better. FML
双输
今天，我发现我妈跟我数学老师一直在约会。而我，数学还一直不及格。FML
Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML
舔狗
今天，是我梦中女孩的生日。她很清楚我深爱着她。为了给她庆生，我买了瓶60刀的朗姆酒，好让她跟朋友们喝的开心。她的新男友开车带她到我家取走了这瓶酒。FML
Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML
抖
今天，我妈一朋友当着所有人的面儿问我到底是怎么长到这么高的。我妈开心地冲到我身边，尖叫道：“整整喂了2年的母乳！”FML
Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth did I get so tall. My mom happily scampered to my side and shrieked, "TWO YEARS OF BREAST MILK!" FML
挺有创意啊，傻缺们
今天，我是一名救生员，泳池里的孩子们决定玩一个新游戏。游戏内容是孩子们四散到泳池各处，然后假装溺水。谁第一个被“救”起来，谁是赢家。FML
Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML
演出礼仪
今天，我去看我最爱乐队的演出。表演实在太精彩了，爽到我打算来一次人群冲浪。可能是我太胖了，下面的人群没有接我，反而四散开来。正好一下摔到我的尾巴骨了。FML
Today, I went to see my favorite band. It was all amazing and great until I decided to go crowd surfing. I was maybe too heavy because people jumped away instead of catching me. I fell right on my tailbone. FML