发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，我拒绝了一份工资翻倍的超赞工作offer
被困
今天，我拒绝了一份工资翻倍的超赞工作offer，就因为现在的老板说我要不走的话就给我升职。我问她啥时候给我升职加薪啊。她哼了一下说：“你还当真了？”FML
Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML
见异思迁
今天，我上脸书却发现男朋友账号的“情感状态”已经改成了和他的前女友在恋爱中。我去问他怎么回事儿，他说：“估计是我忘了跟你分手了。”FML
Today, I logged on to Facebook to find that my boyfriend's relationship status had changed to being in a relationship with his ex. I asked him about it, and all he said was, "I guess I forgot to break up with you." FML
现实
今天，在我看孩子的时候，给了他纸和笔让他给我画像。画完以后，他拿给我看，然后又说：“不行，我还没画完。”他把画拿回去以后给胳膊上了上色。我说：“我今儿穿的也不是长袖啊。”他说：“那是汗毛。”FML
Today, while babysitting, I gave the boy a pen and paper because he wanted to draw me. When he was done, he let me see, but then said, "Wait! I'm not done." He took it back and basically colored in the arms. I said, "I'm not wearing long-sleeves." He said, "That's hair." FML
我的好孩子
今天，老公要跟我离婚，就因为我不同意他停掉我们孩子的信托基金或者抵押我们的房子去贷款给他那12岁的狗做手术。是呗，就好像我们的孩子不需要将来，我们也不需要有住的地方呗。FML
Today, my husband is divorcing me because I refused to sign off on the paperwork to break our kids’ trust funds or mortgage our house in order to pay for surgery for his 12 year-old dog. Yeah, it’s not like our kids need a future or a place to live or anything. FML
又见面了
今天，我在医院的走廊上生下了女儿。护士后来把我带到病房时安慰我说，之前见过更惨的。她说2年前，有一个女的是在停车场生的孩子。那特么也是我。FML
Today, I gave birth to my daughter in a hospital corridor. The nurse who took me to my room afterwards tried to comfort me by saying there'd been worse incidents; she said that two years ago, a lady gave birth in the parking lot. That was me too. FML
不伺候了
今天，男朋友吼了我，因为我没帮他13岁的儿子收拾屋子。那孩子都13岁了，而且身体智力也都不残疾。FML
Today, my boyfriend screamed at me for not cleaning his son's bedroom. The kid is 13 years-old, and there's nothing physically or mentally wrong with him. FML
一个意思
今天，在更新简历的时候，我才发现在我工作履历中有一条写的是“折磨中学学生”。我本意是想写“辅导”的，怪不得我找了这么多年工作一直找不到活儿呢。FML
Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML
爸！
今天，我钢琴课结束后走路回家，突然看见我爸骑着自行车，于是我就在后面喊他。他回头看我，结果一下撞在了树上。原来不是我爸啊。FML
Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I saw my dad on a bike, so I shouted after him. He turned his head around and then ran into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML
被PS了
今天，我去养老院看祖母。在我翻看她孙辈的照片时，发现其他所有人的照片都是正常的毕业照，唯独我的是剪切过的，她把我剪的瘦了些。FML
Today, when I visited my grandmother at her nursing home, I was looking at pictures she had of all the grandkids. All were normal graduation pictures etc. but mine was a cutout where she made me skinnier. FML
不被欢迎的嘉宾
今天，我妈的狗咬了我爸女朋友的脸。在我的婚礼上。我们根本不知道她会带狗来。FML
Today, my mom's dog bit my dad's girlfriend in the face. At my wedding. We did not know she was bringing her dog. FML
疯逼到处都是
今天，由于我是个新手司机，在停车场的时候一紧张不小心抢了一个车的道。于是我赶紧下车跟对方道歉，没想到对方的回应是抡着棒球棍就把我和我的车一顿爆𤭢。FML
Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness, as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML
臭不可闻
今天，我穿了一整天的高跟鞋，所以上车以后就把鞋脱了，然后盘着腿坐在位子上。我老公突然就火了，说我的脚太臭了。然后把车停到了一个车位，威胁我说：再不把鞋穿上，你就自个儿走回家吧。FML
Today, after wearing high heels all day, I took them off in the car, and sat cross-legged. My husband immediately threw a fit beside me, claiming my feet were disgusting and "smelled bad." He pulled into a parking lot and threatened to leave me there unless I put them back on. FML
猜猜谁没零食吃了
今天，我跟孩子们说，咱家狗太肥了，以后不能给它那么多吃的了。结果我小女儿悄悄地跟她姐说：“咱妈也肥，咱还给她吃呢。”FML
Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML
