发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，路上遇见一男的跟我说他是摄影师
不然嘞？
今天，路上遇见一男的跟我说他是摄影师，正在拍摄一个女人玉足的作品，问我的能不能让他拍一下。他还让我看他的INS账号，我瞅了一眼还挺像回事儿的，于是就同意了，还关注了他的账号。后来再一看才发现，这账号不就一恋足癖嘛。FML
Today, a guy on the street introduced himself as a photographer with a project about women's feet and asked if he could take a photo of mine. He showed me his Instagram, which looked legitimate at a glance, so I agreed and followed him. Turns out it's a fetish account. FML
大臭臭
今天，我约暗恋了2年的女孩去一家高档餐厅吃饭。约会期间，我肚子疼，不得已去卫生间拉了一大泡。等我走回餐桌的时候，一个小男孩突然站起来，当着所有人的面大喊：“他就是那个大便男！”FML
Today, I took this girl out that I've been crushing on for 2 years to a fancy restaurant. At one point during the date, I had to get up to take a massive dump. As I was walking back to the table, a little boy stood up and shouted, "THAT'S THE POOPOO MAN!" in front of the whole restaurant. FML
高歌猛进
今天，我边唱歌边把车开出停车场。我在试着飙高音的时候突然两眼一黑晕了过去，我的车一头撞上了另一辆。FML
Today, I was singing while driving through the car park. I blacked out trying to hit a high note, and ended up bashing into another car. FML
亲爱的
今天，我开车送小女儿去上学时，她出现了分离焦虑症。我安慰了她有10分钟，后来她的老师说：“快来吧，你得让你奶奶走啊，这样你才能好好上课。”不是老师，谁奶奶啊，我她妈啊。FML
Today, my youngest daughter was going through separation anxiety when I dropped her off at school. After ten minutes of me comforting her, the teacher said, "C'mon, you have to let Nan go now so you can join in with the class." Ummm, I'm her mum, not her grandparent. FML
双头怪
今天，本地一家公司约我去面试，这家公司是两个人合伙开的。秘书让我中午12点到12点半到，于是我12点15到的。一共俩老板，一人训我说到太早，另外一人骂我迟到。FML
Today, I was scheduled for an interview at a local firm owned by two partners. The secretary told me to be there at around 12:00 to 12:30 pm, so I arrived at 12:15. The first boss told me off for being early, the other one yelled at me for being late. FML
我只是路过啊
今天，坐过山车的时候，一只黄蜂以百公里的时速撞在了我的胸口上。给我疼的，这还不算完，这一下没撞死，黄蜂掉到了我衣服上。在过山车结束之前，它又爬来爬去，蛰了我好几次。FML
Today, while riding a roller coaster, I got hit in the chest by a wasp going 80 miles per hour. As if that didn't hurt enough, it somehow managed to survive and fall down my shirt. It crawled around and stung me a few times before the ride ended. FML
听起来挺好玩，但真就这么回事儿
今天，我爸承认他跟我的继女在恋爱，而且还把她肚子搞大了，他们两个现在很幸福。我老婆都快要疯了。我哥说这简直是Willie Nelson歌曲的现实版本。等这孩子一出生，家谱再一顺，我就成我自己的爷爷了。FML
Today, my dad admitted to dating and getting my stepdaughter pregnant, and they’re very happy. My wife is furious. Meanwhile, my brother pointed out it’s a real life version of the Willie Nelson song. Once the baby is born, our inbred family tree will result in me technically being my own grandad. FML
听话
今天，我跟我妈说，我要跟朋友一起去游泳。她当着我朋友的面嘱咐我，周围没大人的时候，一定不要去深水区游泳，因为我还小，需要有人看护。我已经19了。FML
Today, I told my mom I was going swimming with friends. She told me, in front of them, not to go into the deep end unless there was an adult around because I'm not old enough to swim on my own. I'm 19. FML
怨恨
今天，我才知道我6岁养的兔子是让我爸给吃了，还骗我说兔子跑丢了。可我也没法生他的气，因为他5年前已经去世了。FML
Today, I found out my dad ate my rabbit when I was 6 years-old. He'd told me it ran away. I can't be mad at my dad, he's been dead for 5 years. FML
头晕
今天，我发现了，女孩们不喜欢：你把她们抱上床时晕过去。女孩们喜欢：把这事儿跟所有朋友讲。FML
Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML
游手好闲
今天，我上班时，男朋友决定帮我的可卡犬剪个毛。现在我家里有一只超大号的无毛鼹鼠到处乱窜。FML
Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend decided to give my Cocker Spaniel a haircut. I now have the equivalent of an over-sized naked mole rat running around my house. FML
别被它们咬
今天，我才知道总是复发的粉刺其实是臭虫咬的。我之前还浪费了快100刀买治痤疮的药膏。FML
Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML
疑惑
今天，我在男朋友家，然后听见了怪声。我笑着说：“这声音听起来像是狗吐了。”他仔细听了一下然后说：“这是我妈在楼下哭呢。”FML
Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said, "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML
得友若斯……
今天，我把电锯借给了一朋友。后来我在门廊看到了借出去的电锯，钜刃秃了，电线也被剪断了。我仔细观察了一下，发现这是他家的电锯。他把我的新电锯留下了。他死活不承认调换了电锯，现在还不给我开门。FML
Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML
行吧
今天，我丈母娘一砖头砸在我的车上。她还狡辩说我不该把车停在“砖头的落点”上。那特么是我自家的车道。FML
Today, my mother-in-law threw bricks at my car. Her defense? I shouldn't have parked in her "brick throwing spot", in my own driveway. FML
