发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，女朋友和我分手了
最后的告别……
今天，女朋友和我分手了。她来最后见我一次。我们相拥而泣了几分钟，场面十分感人。在她走后，我发现放在旁边桌子上的钱包不翼而飞了。FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML
没想到
今天，我的新抗抑郁药终于起效了。换成这种药是想要控制一下我的焦虑症。但搞笑的是，这种药最常见的副作用是紧张不安。看来我该多做些研究的。FML
Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML
红色预警
今天，我跟老公说，他老是没完没了的提起他那个同事让我很是不爽。他认真的听我说完，也没插嘴，看起来是真心实意的认识到错误了。然后在他安慰我说以后再也不提的时候，他错把我的名字叫成了她的……而且还错了3次。FML
Today, I explained to my husband how much it bothers me when he constantly talks about one of his coworkers. He listened closely, never interrupted me, and seemed genuinely sorry afterwards. While he was consoling me and telling me that he'll stop, he called me by her name… three different times. FML
进展如何？
今天，我去见闺蜜给我介绍的相亲对象。到了地方才发现，“相亲对象”是我前任。我闺蜜完全知情，但她觉得能看到我俩作何反应一定“很有趣”。FML
Today, I went on a blind date set up by my best friend. When I got there, my "date" was my ex. My best friend knew, and she thought it would be "funny" to see how we would react. FML
坏兆头
今天，我发现房东一直在给我这套房找新的租客，而且还瞒着我。今儿一早起床后，我边挠着蛋边走进客厅，结果发现穿着我的睡衣坐我沙发上看电视的一家四口正在盯着我看，真是太他妈吓人了。 FML
Today, I found out that my landlord had been showing my apartment to new tenants without telling me, when I woke up this morning to a family of four staring at me scratching my nuts whilst watching TV on my couch in my pajamas, horrified. FML
坚持住
今天，我在学校的一场比赛前献唱国歌，结果却忘了词儿。于是我就翻来覆去的只唱那两句。FML
Today, I was singing the National Anthem at a school game and totally forgot the words. So I kept singing the same two lines over and over. FML
此乃正途
今天，我发现领导一直在剽窃我的想法。最气蛋的是他不停的让我加班来完成原本是我提出的项目。FML
Today, I found out that my manager has been stealing my ideas. The worst part? He made me work overtime to complete the project that I originally proposed. FML
类社会行为
今天，我那沉迷《绝命毒师》的43岁老哥的脑残程度又达到了一个新高度，他差点害我们被公园里的一帮毒虫揍一顿。他剃着个光头、戴着顶帽子就找那帮人搭腔去了，还在他们面前整老白那一套。FML
Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML
资金不足、评价错误
今天，我收回了我的论文，内容是关于我们国家的教育体系是有多完蛋艹的。里面有一点我拼错了。我的老师在旁边写了条批注，基本就是在说我是个文盲，有这时间抱怨教育体系，还不如多在学校上课时注意听讲。但她把“学校”拼错了。FML
Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate, and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML
现在不行啊！
今天，在五金店里，我使出九牛二虎之力拦着年迈的爷爷，才没让他往店里的一个展示马桶里拉屎。FML
Today, in a hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML
嘟嘟
今天，在我和男朋友亲密的时候，我突然呻吟出来了一嗓子，那声音真的跟马戏表演里小丑车的喇叭一模一样。男朋友他笑个不停，压根儿亲热不下去了。FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML
一头热
今天，我带着“女朋友”去一个不错的餐厅庆祝我俩恋爱一个月。结果表明她根本不认为我们在“恋爱”，还觉得我们只不过是“偶尔来一发的炮友”。FML
Today, I took my "girlfriend" to a nice restaurant to celebrate our first month anniversary, only to find out she didn't even know we're dating, but only "friends who have sex sometimes." FML
勤能补拙
今天，女朋友决定试一下咽下去，而不是吐出来。这完全是她自己的决定，我从来没要求过她这么做。可当她开始呕吐、打喷嚏，所有的子孙液都从她鼻孔里喷出来的时候，这反倒又成了我的错，因为我“恶心”。我也爱你，宝贝儿。FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to try swallowing instead of spitting. Now this was entirely her own idea, I never asked her to try, and yet when she gagged, vomited, and sneezed so it all came dribbling out of her nose, somehow it was all my fault because I’m "disgusting." I love you too, Sweetie. FML