When I was a child a police officer came to school and gave a speech on drugs.
I couldn't understand a damn thing he said. ---sage
The wife keeps saying I'm too soft on the kids
Well I'm sorry, I'm 44 and just can't maintain an erection like I used to ---lennyscrevasse
900,000,000 tonnes of water fall on the Earth every second.
890,000,000 falling on Scotland. ---chum
I asked my old man to slap me when we have sex,
it might help stop me from falling asleep.--cheryll25uk
?Apparently we share 98% of our DNA with pigs, darling?
?Not good enough, Dave. Say goodbye to the kids, pack your bags and fuck off? --lennyscrevasse
I slapped and punched my wife because my dinner was shit.
On reflection, I should've probably just asked the waiter to call the manager.--stallion
Me and the wife have sex almost every day of the week.
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
I sense that deep within me I have an attachment to my Dyson vacuum cleaner.
It's a crevice nozzle, and it's being removed later today at A&E.--mrsbrownsboysishit
Your mother has been with us for 20 years, I said to my husband.
Isn?t it time she got a place of her own?
My mother? He replied . I thought she was your mother.--cheryll25uk
"Huge manhunt under way after six terror suspects sneak into UK on small boats"
C'mon! Give 'em a break. They just want to meet up with the other 60,000 already here. -- ironass
Teacher: Think of a word that ends with "anal"?
Pupil: Chloroform, Miss? -- lennyscrevasse
Israel has agreed a ceasefire in order for a hostage exchange to be made.
Israel gets 200 Jews, Britain gets 2 million Palestinians. -- jackmeough
My dog just ripped my kid's new Pudsey Bear apart.
Now it's got one arm , a leg , and a head hanging off.
I'll have to tell him it's the special Gaza edition.-- funboy3
I'm not scared of being in a dark room alone...
I'm scared of not being alone in a dark room. -- ericdidage