发霉啦：今天，我领导喝多了错把短信发给了我

谢谢你告诉我
今天，我领导喝多了错把短信发给了我，还在短信里说我的坏话。FML
Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML

抑郁角
今天，一个小女孩朝我走过来，说我长得像只脚。真是特么的谢谢了。FML
Today, a little girl came up to me and told me I looked like a foot. Thanks a bunch, darling. FML

爱是……
今天，我在床上从身后抱着女朋友。她缓缓睡去，然后朝我放了一刻钟的屁。FML
Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML

秘密
今天，我有女朋友。我们的母亲是好闺蜜。我们的父亲是好哥们。我们的兄弟姐妹是铁瓷。我们的祖父母是70年的老相识了。而我恨我的女朋友。她是个给我戴绿帽的臭婊子，我有几百条短信可以证明，但我感觉自己被我们家庭的幸福绑架了。FML
Today, I have a girlfriend. Our moms are best friends. Our dads are best friends. Our younger siblings are best friends. Our grandparents have known each other for 70 years. I hate my girlfriend. I have hundreds of texts proving she’s a cheating whore, but I feel trapped by our families' happiness. FML

看起来不错
今天，我剪的这个烂发型最近不再像是爱探险的朵拉。而更像是宇宙巨人希曼了。 FML
Today, the bad haircut I got recently no longer makes me look like Dora the Explorer. Instead, I now look like He-Man. FML

实现梦想
今天，我终于能实现赏鲸的梦想了。然而现实却是严重晕船，晒秃噜皮，花了300多到头来就只看见了点儿破海鸥。FML
Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching. Apparently my true life's dream was to get extremely seasick, sunburned to a crisp, and pay $60 to see only seagulls in the end. FML

刺挠
今天，我明白了菊花剃毛最让人崩溃的地方：新毛茬。FML
Today, I learned the worst part about being dared to shave your ass hair: Stubble. FML

基本OK
今天，我问领导说能不能给我换个大点的工位。刚换完工位，现在的新工位差不多是老工位的一半大。FML
Today, I asked my boss if I could have a bigger cubicle. I'm now working in one that is half the size of my old one. FML

生日快乐
今天，是我的生日。截至目前我收到了：我爸妈离婚的消息，床上的一只死鸟和一泡屎(我的猫送我的)，一脸的疹子，还有男朋友送的拖鞋。FML
Today, it's my birthday. So far I have received: the news that my parents are divorcing, a dead bird and a pile of shit left on my bed (courtesy of the cat), a rash all over my face, and some slippers from my boyfriend. FML

诅咒
今天，我跟经理开玩笑说假装受伤然后骗取工伤赔偿金。结果后来我真的滑了一跤，把脚给崴了，现如今经理觉得我是装的。FML
Today, I was joking around with my manager about faking an injury to collect Worker's Compensation. Then I actually slipped and sprained my foot, and now my manager thinks I'm lying. FML

亲爱的John
今天，女朋友让我在床上表现的更像祖国人一点。FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me to act more like Homelander in bed. FML

撩拨
今天，一晚上我媳妇都在揉我的裤裆，在我耳边撩骚我，说自己饥渴难耐。直到孩子们都上床睡觉后，就突然变成了“亲爱的，我就是想要和你抱抱。今天不是很想要”还噘嘴闹别扭。这种情况一周至少得有三次。FML
Today, my wife spent the entire evening grabbing my crotch, whispering dirty things to me, and telling me how horny she was, right up until the kids went to bed. Then, it was, "Baby, I just want cuddles, I don't feel like sex" and pouting. This happens at least three times a week. FML