没品笑话集：斯诺克传奇 雷·里尔顿去世，享年91

斯诺克传奇 雷·里尔顿去世，享年91。

只差两颗红球加一颗黑球就能到100，真是太不走运了。
Snooker legend Ray Reardon dies at 91

Just two reds and a black short of his century, terrible luck.---harryspiv

飞机停飞，火车晚点，医生没法开药，天空新闻停播。

这和全球IT瘫痪一点关系都没有，只不过是工党执政的第二周罢了。
Planes have been grounded, trains are delayed, pharmacists can't dispense drugs and Sky News is off air.

This is nothing to do with the global IT outage, this is just week two of a Labour government.---theacient

我的幽默感太过黑色，以至于它摘起棉花了。
My sense of humour is so dark that it picks cotton. ---theacient

一名男子去参加面试，想要竞聘在特拉维夫的一个职位。
面试官：你要想来我们公司，首先要杀掉10个巴勒斯坦人还有一只猫。
面试者：为什么还有一只猫？
面试官：你被雇了！
A man goes to an interview for a job in Tel Aviv.
Interviewer: In order to work for us, you first need to kill 10 Palestinians and a cat.
Interviewee: Why a cat?
Interviewer: You're hired! ---Chunkyfunky

现在这些觉醒重置作品整的真是越来越离谱了。

我刚看到一个民主党的竞选广告，他们竟然找来了一个女黑人演拜登。
These woke remakes are getting ridiculous.

I just saw a Democrat election ad and they have only gone a cast a black woman to play Biden. ---giftcard

这个色情影星说自己刚交一次能得到1.8万欧。
我感觉很对不起女朋友……
她甚至连一句提醒都没得到。
This Porn Star told me she gets €18,000 for anal.
I felt bad for my girlfriend...
She doesn't even get a warning. --brainsbrain

怀疑你的祖母或者祖父中风了吗？快点采取F.A.S.T.方法。

F(Fuck)去他妈的，敷衍一下得了，他们早晚会去世。
A(Ask)问他们立遗嘱没有，还有遗嘱在哪儿。
S(Stay)呆在他们身边，直到他们咽气儿。然后再把房间里值钱的东西都卷跑。
T(Talk)和他们聊聊，问问他们有没有你爹妈的黑料，以后可以用来讹他们。
Suspect your nan or grandad has had a stroke? Act F.A.S.T.

F. Fuck it, go through the motions, they are going to die of something.
A. Ask if they have made a will out and where is it.
S. Stay until they die. Then you can ransack the house for valuables.
T. Talk to them, try and find out any shit on your mum and dad you can blackmail them with in the future. ---kimjongtrump

我想我应该去看看牙了。我刚在Asda超市的收银台微笑了一下，它扫描了我的牙显示商品是一罐猫粮。
I think I need to visit the dentist. I just smiled at Asda checkout and it scanned my teeth as a can of cat food.---ericdidage

亲爱的主……
您给予了我童年……
然后您又夺走了它。
您给予了我青春……
然后您又夺走了它。
您给予了我一个妻子……

到现在已经10年了……
……就是提醒您一下。

Dear God...
You gave me childhood...
you took it away.
You gave me youth...
you took it away.
You gave me a wife...

It's been ten years now...
..Just reminding you.---brainsbrain

人们说牛子的大小和鞋子的大小正相关……

这使得小丑更吓人了。
They say penis size is related to shoe size...

Which makes clowns that much scarier.---Brainsbrain

昨天我买了一个马桶刷子，但是不怎么喜欢。我想我还是继续用厕纸吧。
I got a toilet brush yesterday, but I don't like it. I think I'm going to go back to using toilet paper.---randomcrap

我老婆吼我说：“你就只听见你想听见的东西！”于是我回她说：“好啊宝贝儿，给我拿瓶啤酒吧”。
My wife yelled at me "You only hear what you want to hear!" so I responded "Sure babe. I'd love a beer."---innit