发霉啦：今天，我去前夫家里接7岁的闺女

母亲问题
今天，我去前夫家里接7岁的闺女，闺女不愿意走，哭着喊着说自己一辈子都要和她爹住。我问她原因，她回答说因为继母是个更好的妈妈。彳亍，拆散我们家庭的小三倒成了比我更好的“妈妈”了。FML
Today, as I was picking up my 7 year-old daughter at my ex-husband's house, my daughter started crying saying that she wanted to stay with Daddy forever. I asked why. She said her stepmom was a better mommy. Apparently, the woman who broke up my marriage is now a better "Mommy." FML

时间就是一个圈儿
今天，老师让我们班来一场非正式的辩论，讨论一下谁才是美国总统的最佳人选。后来学校警卫都出动了，因为川普的支持者们开始跟其他人干仗了。FML
Today, my class was given the assignment to have an informal discussion, debating who would be the best fit for president of the US. The school's security guards were called in after the Trump supporters started fights with everyone else. FML

年度最佳经理
今天，我接到前上司打来的电话，问我为什么还没到公司上班。我回他说：“因为昨儿你把我开除了啊。”他沉默了一下，然后挂断了电话。FML
Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn't at work, to which I responded, "Because you fired me yesterday." He didn't say anything, and hung up. FML

偏差
今天，公司同事的私人物品丢了。她生气的指责是我偷走了，因为我是黑人，而且“刻板印象这玩意儿不是平白无故就有的。”FML
Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

医疗事故
今天，我发现自己在过去10年里做的避孕措施都是完全没必要的。那年我生完头胎后出现了并发症，医生做手术的时候把我给整成不孕不育了，可他们压根儿就没跟我提这茬儿。FML
Today, I found out that I have unnecessarily been using birth control for the past 10 years. A surgery I had following a complication with my first child apparently rendered me infertile, and none of the doctors bothered to enlighten me. FML

不可能，绝对不可能
今天，我参加了很重要的工作面试。面试官似乎真的看上我了。他没有录用我，而是要约我出去。FML
Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

毛手毛脚
今天，我妈的男朋友在饭店里责备我说我长胖了，然后一下掀开我的衣服，内衣都漏出来了。我尖叫着抽了丫一嘴巴，把杯子里的饮料甩了丫一脸，最后报警把丫抓了。我妈反倒生我的气了，觉得我小题大做。 FML
Today, my mother's boyfriend accused me of gaining weight in the middle of a restaurant. He then lifted my shirt all the way to my bra. My mother is angry at me for causing a scene when I screamed, slapped him, and threw a drink in his face, causing him to get arrested. FML

难以忘却
今天，我跟两个高中老同学约饭。在饭店我们又碰见了高中同届的一个女同学。她拥抱了他们俩，然后向我做了自我介绍。FML
Today, I went out to lunch with two old friends from high school. While at the restaurant, we saw a girl who we graduated with. The girl gave both of them hugs, then introduced herself to me. FML

怪咖
今天，一位男士要了我的电话号码。我非常后悔当时没拒绝，因为现在他没完没了的给我发《圣经》的摘录和耶稣的图片。FML
Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML

公道何在！
今天，我被禁止进入学校的图书馆，因为我在里面追了一个偷走我书包的贼。FML
Today, I got banned from my school library after I ran after a guy who stole my bag. FML

有期徒刑
今天，我意识到自己已经迫不及待想让女儿在18岁时搬出去住了。还剩10年。FML
Today, I realized I can't wait until my daughter moves out the house when she is 18. She's eight. FML

失落
今天，我暗恋的同事终于约我出去吃饭了。我很紧张，怕我俩没什么共同语言。结果整整一个小时里，这孙子都在跟我炫耀他的新女朋友有多好。FML
Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

情人节快乐
今天，我破处了。最难忘的不是他刚顶了两下就交代了，而是他先说了句：“机长已经进入驾驶舱。”FML
Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML

计划
今天，老婆给我发来了个“交公粮”的谷歌日历提醒。FML
Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML