发霉啦：今天，我们全家都去旅游了

二等公民
今天，我们全家都去旅游了，只把我一人扔家里照顾他们的宠物。我给妈妈打电话，她说忙着呢没空唠。我姐在那边问她是谁打的电话，她回答说：“给咱家看狗的。”FML
Today, my family went on vacation. I had to stay home to take care of everyone's animals. I called my mom, who said she was too busy to talk to me. When my sister asked her who was on the phone, she replied, "The dog sitter." FML

极易分心
今天，我到家发现所有东西都被浓浓的黑烟所笼罩，已经烧成了灰。原来之前停了电，于是我未婚夫点了根蜡烛，然后把蜡烛放在了我们全部的婚姻文件顶上。后来他闻见烟味后，并没有选择报警，反倒觉得突然饿的想吃塔可了，于是就出了门。FML
Today, I returned to my apartment to find everything reduced to ashes, hidden in black clouds of smoke. Turns out there was a blackout, and my fiancé lit a candle on top of a stack of all our wedding papers. When he smelled the smoke, he got hungry for a taco and left instead of calling 911. FML

嗅味测试
今天，我意识到自己只需要闻一下厕所里飘出来的味儿，就知道这屎是6个室友中谁拉的。FML
Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

别烦我
今天，老板用WhatsApp给我发了一条信息，说了一个项目。今天是我休息日，就想着等上班再回他。结果刚过1分钟，他就开始短信轰炸了，要求知道我已读不回的原因，还让我不要忘了他有裁人的权力。FML
Today, my boss sent me a message about a project, via WhatsApp. It's my day off, so I figured it could wait till I was able to give a flying fuck. Literally a minute later, he was spamming me, demanding to know why I'd left him as read and reminding me that he has firing powers. FML

真是个怪人
今天，因为身上穿着一件从那间店里买的衬衫，我被一位经理错认成他手下的员工。他大声骂我不好好工作就知道摸鱼，还在我要离开的时候拽着我，不让我离开。情急之下我给了他鼻子一拳才得以脱身，在我跑开的时候听见他在后面喊道“你被炒了！”。老子压根儿也没在你这儿打过工啊。FML
Today, a manager mistook me for an employee because I was wearing a shirt I bought from that shop. He was yelling at me for not working and tried to grab me to stop me leaving. I had to punch him in the nose to get free, and as I ran he actually shouted that I was fired. I’ve never worked there. FML

问题来了
今天，我发现了女朋友的新朋友其实是她的“替代品”。她们是在几个月前认识的，这女孩非常酷，我们俩有相同的兴趣爱好，和她在一起也很开心……但我女朋友打算和我分手，又不想让我孤身一人，就“培养”了她。FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend's new friend is actually her "replacement". They met a few months ago, and she's really cool, we share the same interests, it's nice to spend time with her, etc., but my girlfriend planned to break up with me and "trained" her because she doesn't want me to be lonely. FML

我没事儿！
今天，我在坐进车里关车门的时候，车门一下子拍我头上了。更离谱的是，男朋友认为我肯定是脑震荡了，所以每个小时都要叫醒我一次，好确认我没翘辫子。FML
Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML

快停下！
今天，我终于发现有人偷了我的借记卡，还把它用透支了。好消息？不管是谁偷的都忘了改地址了，所以他们买的所有东西都直接寄给了我。坏消息？目前我已经收到了16套女士保暖内衣，而且还没完。FML
Today, I finally found out that someone had stolen my debit card and maxed it out. The good news? Whoever it was forgot to change the address on the card, so everything they bought online has been shipped to me. The bad news? I've received 16 snuggies so far, and I'm still counting. FML

感激之情溢于言表
今天，我帮老公还清了他的学生贷款，在他母亲去世后成为他的情感依靠，每天给他做饭，在他屁股后面收拾卫生，而他对此的感激之情，竟然是搞大了我姐姐的肚子。FML
Today, the token of appreciation from my husband after paying off his student loan debt, being his support system when his mother died, and cooking and cleaning for his ass everyday, is him getting my sister pregnant. FML

你耍了自己
今天，我跟校医假装嗓子疼，想提前回家。结果等我爸开车来接我一直等到了正常放学点儿。FML
Today, I faked a sore throat for the school nurse so I could go home early. It took my dad the rest of the school day just to get there to pick me up. FML

又回到最初的起点
今天，终于有人雇我去做家庭护理师了。雇主在我刚上门的两个小时后就去世了。FML
Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML

有点反应过激
今天，在我妹的宝宝派对上，我的3岁女儿被一块吃的给噎住了。对此我妹妹十分不满，因为这一幕显然吸引了不少宾客的关注，于是就骂我闺女是个“专门挑今天博眼球”的“关种”。FML
Today, during my sister’s baby shower, my 3 year-old daughter choked on a piece of food. My sister got upset because this apparently attracted a lot of attention from the other guests, and called my daughter an “attention whore” for “choosing today of all days to make a damn scene.” FML

吓人
今天，我想给女朋友来个惊喜熊抱。我在商场里找到了她，她正背对着我跟朋友们聊天。于是我就蹑手蹑脚的走到她身后，展开双臂正准备搂住她时，听见她说：“你们也给我出出主意，我该怎么跟男朋友提分手啊？”FML
Today, I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a bear hug. I found her in the hall with her back to me, talking to friends. As I walked up behind her and was about to wrap my arms around her, she said, "So… does anyone have any ideas about how I should break it off with my boyfriend?" FML