发霉啦：今天，我去参加第一次约会

Joe Smooth
今天，我去参加第一次约会。一切都进展的很顺利，直到我打算学电影里那样，伸手想把她的头发别到耳后。我的手指直接戳她眼里了。FML
Today, I went on my first date. Everything went great until I went to brush my date's hair over her ear like they do in the movies. I poked her dead in the eye. FML

退出条款
今天，已经谈了4年的迷信女友在我求婚的时候打了个喷嚏。她非说这是宇宙给的暗示，要我们俩分手，然后她转身就离开了。FML
Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

哇偶，太谢谢了，我瞬间就被治好了
今天，在经历了8个月噩梦般的失眠后，我终于挂到了一名睡眠专家的号。他的建议？“百度一下，下载这个免费app，5个月后要是加重的话再联系我。”我从2022年开始就没有一觉能睡过4小时以上。要是还能再活5个月我就烧高香了。FML
Today, after 8 months of horrific insomnia, I finally got an appointment with a sleep specialist. His advice? "Google it, download this free app, and call me in 5 months if it gets worse." I haven't slept more than 4 hours uninterrupted since 2022. I'll be lucky to be alive in 5 months. FML

爱咋咋地吧
今天，我跟男朋友说给他拿点药，估计能治他的花粉过敏和其他症状，不要钱，还没副作用。我还教他了个小妙招，能让他的房子不再有花粉。这两样他都拒绝了，然后继续抱怨花粉过敏的事儿。FML
Today, I offered my boyfriend medicine which is quite likely to help with his pollen allergy and other health problems, free of charge, and without side effects. I also pointed out an easy fix to keep the pollen out of his apartment. He said, “No thanks” to both, and just kept on complaining. FML

心动
今天，我觉得自己有点爱上小姑子我的妯娌了。声明一下，我是女的，她谈了5年的男朋友是我未婚夫的弟弟。FML
Today, I realized that I kinda have a crush on my sister-in-law. Mind you I'm a woman and her boyfriend of 5 years is my fiancé's brother. FML

天才
今天，我火急火燎的把儿子送去急诊室，这熊孩子吃了棵有毒的植物。他说那玩意儿看起来就像是《老滚5：天际》里的一种，他以为吃完就能获得超能力。FML
Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

半人沙发
今天，我的孩子觉得要是在我睡觉的时候，用万能胶把我黏在单人沙发上一定很有意思，但是倒的也太多了。我现在和靠垫已经合二为一了，还得叫救护车来帮忙。FML
Today, one of my kids thought it would be funny to superglue me to my armchair while I was asleep, except they’re idiots who used way too much. I am now fused to the cushions and had to call an ambulance. FML

老生常谈
今天，谈了5年恋爱，我连订婚戒指的影子都没见着，我就问男朋友为什么还不求婚。他回答说：“宝贝儿，能喝免费的牛奶我干嘛还花钱买牛啊。”这特么是什么意思？FML
Today, after 5 years of dating and not even so much as a hint of a ring on the horizon, I asked my boyfriend why he hasn’t proposed yet. His response was “Babe, I’m not gonna pay for the cow when I get the milk for free.” What does that even mean? FML

它们要杀了我们！
今天，我妈非常确信，我们从沃尔玛买回来的草坪矮人在密谋要杀了我们。FML
Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

经典举动
今天，我去相亲。我刚到地方，他就说要先去上个厕所。然后再也没有回来。FML
Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

报复
今天，卑鄙无耻的邻居跟我媳妇打小报告，说我在她跟墓地值夜班的时候，偷偷把小三带回家过夜。就因为我忘把割草机还给他了。FML
Today, my assmunch neighbor snitched on me and told my wife I was bringing my girlfriend home to sleep over while she worked her job during the graveyard shift. All because I’d forgotten to return his lawnmower. FML

真6
今天，我终于鼓足勇气去跟暗恋的男人搭话。我紧张到舌头打结，本想说：“嗨！我叫Veronica。”结果说成了：“Veronica，我嗨了！”FML
Today, I finally got the courage to talk to a guy I secretly like. I was so nervous that instead of saying, "Hi, I'm Veronica," I said, "Veronica, I'm high." FML

不合时宜
今天，一个女的在饭店里撩开衣服就给孩子喂奶。恶心得我吃不下饭，我就告诉她应该抱孩子去卫生间里喂。听完后她呲了我一脸奶，然后又继续奶孩子了。FML
Today, a woman started breastfeeding her infant in a restaurant. Disgusted, I told her to take it to the bathroom, as I was eating. In response, she squirted me with milk then went back to ignoring me. FML

自己挖的坑
今天，我跟一朋友说，他戴眼镜时看起来更聪明。他摘掉了眼镜，然后对我说：“噢，现在你看起来帅多了。”FML
Today, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said, "Oh, and now you look more handsome." FML

感官ASMR
今天，我被老公的耳语唤醒了，他轻声说：“我能在你的乳脂软糖烤箱里烤一下我的肉棒吗？”。FML
Today, my husband woke me up by whispering, "Can I roast my meat rod in your fudge oven?" FML

上天的施舍
今天，我跟室友太穷了，我俩经常去参加匿名毒瘾者互助会的会议，只为了那口免费的茶点。FML
Today, my roommate and I are so broke, we resorted to going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting just for the refreshments. FML

快枪手
今天，我去男朋友家。我俩住邻居，所以走过去也就2分钟的事儿。到了他想立刻马上来一发。我走路过来花的时间都要比他久上1分钟。FML
Today, I walked to my boyfriend's house, which takes literally 2 minutes since we are also neighbours. He wanted sex straight away. The walk took longer than the sex, by over a full minute. FML

灵魂伴侣
今天，我不是很信什么灵魂伴侣，但我发现我老婆很信。她在几个礼拜前遇见了她的。FML
Today, even though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates, I found out my wife does. She met hers a few weeks ago. FML

呵，人类
今天，跟男朋友开车回家的路上，我俩开始聊自己的驾驶记录有多干净。我吹嘘自己从来都没有出过事故，话音未落就撞上了一头驼鹿。FML
Today, while driving home with my boyfriend, we started discussing how clean our driving records were. I was boasting about how I'd never been in an accident when I hit a moose. FML

绝逼没可能
今天，唯一一个对我表现出些许兴趣的男人是个迷纳粹的神经病。他通常喜欢用这样的句子跟我搭讪：“嘿，你知道用订书机订手有多疼吗？”FML
Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML

刻薄的地方
今天，一个学生骂我是“臭婊子”。我教的是幼儿园。FML
Today, I got called a "f***ing b**ch" by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML