发霉啦：今天，我打电话跟公司请假

再也扛不住了
今天，我打电话跟公司请假，说我实在累得不行了，眼都睁不开。我上司在电话那头一顿训斥，让我学习学习其他同事，有人脚趾骨折还来上班呢。那人就是我啊。FML
Today, I called into work because I was too tired to keep my eyes open. My boss berated me over the phone, saying I should be more like that other employee who came in with a broken toe. That was me. FML

他会适应的
今天，我知道老公对于新爹这个身份在内心一直很挣扎，但没想到能到这份儿上，他竟然在电脑上设置了一个18年的定时器，还命名为“很快了，你能做到的”。我们儿子才刚6天大。FML
Today, I knew my husband was struggling mentally with being a new dad, but I had no idea how much until I found he had set an 18 year timer on his computer entitled, “Not long to go, you can make it!” Our son is only 6 days old. FML

离我远点
今天，我的有毒爸妈跑到我上班的饭店，就为了恶心我一下。我爸他忘了带钱包，让我帮他结账，可真是让人意外呢！我拒绝了，然后我的领班介入了。我爸被警察带走了，我被炒了鱿鱼，要是房租没法按时交，可能就连那破房子也保不住了。FML
Today, my horrible parents turned up to the restaurant I work at just to mess with me. Dad forgot his wallet, what a surprise, and asked me to pay the bill. I refused so my manager got involved. My dad got arrested, I got fired and might lose my lousy flat if I’m late on the rent. FML

听我说啊
今天，在跟我妈聊天期间，我开始胡言乱语起来，想看看她到底有没有在听我讲话。她没有。FML
Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

呼叫Taylor Swift
今天，我妈和我那出轨的前未婚夫一起埋伏了我，她觉着我和他共处一室就能奇迹般的改写过去，和好如初。我要离开时，她像个海妖一样尖叫着搂住我的腿不让我走。明儿我就要把她送进养老院，这辈子再也不去看她。FML
Today, my mom ambushed me with my cheating ex-fiancé, thinking being in the same room would miraculously change the past and we’d get back together. When I tried to walk out, my mom screamed like a banshee and latched onto my leg. After this I’m putting her in a retirement home and never visiting. FML

绝对不可能
今天，老公老想让我在床上尝试一些我100%抵触的东西。我们因此争吵了一顿。我跟我姐说这事儿的时候，正好我妈听到了。听完她看着我的眼睛说：“你不愿意，有女人愿意。”多谢了，亲妈。FML
Today, my husband has been trying to get me to do something sexual that I’m absolutely 100% against. It’s gotten to the point where we fight and argue about it. I was talking to my sister when my mom overheard. She looked me in the eye and said, “What you won’t do, another woman will.” Thanks, ma. FML

欢迎回家！
今天，我搬去了新家。前任房主一直墨墨迹迹的，直到今天才搬走。等我到地方了，才想起来我没新家的钥匙。就在我打算联系前房主的时候，突然发现压根儿没必要，因为这孙子把房门卸走了。FML
Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

别退缩，要坚定
今天，男朋友和我分手了，我的心碎了一地。最操蛋的是我俩本来再有一周就要去旅游了，现在谁也不肯退出，或者说把预定的房间让给对方。看起来这11天假期我俩得一直住在一起了。FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and my heart is shattered to pieces. The worst part is we are supposed to go on vacation together in a week, and neither of us is backing out, or giving the other the room, so it looks like we’ll be staying together on vacation for 11 days straight. FML

谁选谁输
今天，父母对我说，既然我长大了，能决定不打掉肚子里的孩子，那就在30天之内搬出这个家。我才15岁。FML
Today, my parents told me that since I'm old enough to want to keep my baby, I have 30 days to find a place to live. I'm 15. FML

你必须服从
今天，因为我没戴公司发的手套，老板对我发了一通火。那手套也忒小了，更不用说由于我有残疾，根本伸不进那手套。我还能咋办？FML
Today, my boss got mad at me for not wearing the gloves I'm provided at work. They're way too small, not to mention the fact that I have a disability which makes it even harder to put them on. What do you expect me to do? FML

F，Family的F
今天，为了我的心理健康，还有为了不自杀，我和有毒的前夫还有更有毒的成年女儿断绝了所有联系。根本不相信有心理健康这回事儿的年迈爹妈不仅选择站在他俩那边，还把我的名字从遗嘱中划掉，把我女儿的名字放了进去。FML
Today, I had to break off all contact with my toxic ex and my even more toxic adult daughter, for my mental health and suicidal urges. My elderly parents, who don’t think mental health is a thing, not only took their side, they’re taking me out of their will and putting my daughter in. FML

到处都是忍者
今天，我到家后才发现，我在学校不知道什么时候被人剪断了马尾辫。FML
Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone had cut off half of my ponytail. FML

奥卡姆的剃刀
今天，我犯癫痫，当急救人员把口吐白沫的我抬上救护车时，我清清楚楚的听到我妈问他们，去医院的路上方不方便绕道去趟教堂，就是说，万一不是犯病，而是让恶魔附身了呢。FML
Today, I had a seizure, and as they were loading me into the ambulance, drooling on myself, I clearly heard my mother ask the ambulance crew if they’d mind swinging by the church on the way to the hospital, you know, in case it turns out I’m not sick, just possessed by the devil. FML

别添乱了
今天，公司给了我严正警告，我道了歉，因为确实错在我身上。结果女朋友得知此事以后，给我老板发了条信息，威胁说要揍她一顿。现在我被停职了。宝贝儿，谢谢了。FML
Today, I got a harsh warning from my boss. I apologized because I was genuinely in the wrong. My girlfriend found out about it and sent my boss a message, threatening to kick her ass. I'm now suspended. Thanks babe. FML

睡美人儿
今天，上课时我睡着了，一个小时以后才醒。老师一直也没叫醒我，因为想看看等我醒来发现身边同学都换人了会是什么表情。FML
Today, I fell asleep in class, and woke up hour later. My teacher let me sit there till I woke up to see what my face would be like waking up to a new class. FML

她是懂行的
今天，我打算卖房，有个摄影师来我家拍点房子的照片。我带她在房间里转了转，她说：“等我把头发扎起来就开始拍摄，”然后捡起来就用。那玩意儿不是头绳儿。那特么是我的锁精环。FML
今天，我打算卖房，有个摄影师来我家拍点房子的照片。我带她在房间里转了转，她说：“这头绳有点碍事儿”然后把它捡了起来。那玩意儿不是头绳儿。那特么是我的锁精环。FML
Today, a photographer came to take photos of my house for listing. While showing her around, she said, “I’ll just get this hair tie out of the shot” and picked it up. It wasn’t a hair tie. It was my rubber cock ring. FML

自然观察
今天，我在院子里看到了一只土拨鼠。我想要拍张特写，于是我就跟个蜗牛似的一点一点的朝它爬过去。蛄蛹了半小时后，我发现那其实是段木头。FML
Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML

揭开伤疤
今天，我收到了一封前男友的结婚请柬。我俩当初分手就是因为他“根本不相信婚姻”。FML
Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because he "didn't believe in marriage." FML

疹的不怪我
今天，女朋友没完没了的跟我抱怨最近我不愿意跟她爱爱。解决方法很简单，只不过我现在浑身都是毒藤皮疹，在我好之前她都不让我碰她。看来我还是赶紧适应瘙痒和牢骚了。FML
Today, my girlfriend won't stop complaining about the recent lack of intimacy in our relationship. There's an easy solution to this problem, but I'm currently covered in poison ivy rashes and she refuses to let me touch her until they clear up. Guess I'd better get used to itching and whining. FML

生活经验
今天，我意识到自己上研究生唯一的收获就是更多的贷款，以及在一个列表中可以使用分号的知识点。FML
Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my Masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

你们的未来，我们的灾难
今天，女儿们宣布她俩有重大新闻。她俩整了一台演讲，说她们希望我们全家都改吃素食。我尽可能温柔的说不可能，我们可不是吃素的，结果她俩嚎啕大哭，尖叫道：“地球在燃烧！肉类正在杀死所有人！！”她俩一个11岁，一个9岁。FML
Today, my daughters announced they had big news. They had a whole presentation saying they wanted our entire family to go vegan. When I told them, as gently as I could, that that was never happening, they burst into tears, screaming, "The planet is burning! Meat is killing us all!" They're 11 and 9. FML

摇橹
今天，我在自慰的时候哭了出来，因为我真的觉得，现实生活中没有任何人会愿意和我做。FML
Today, I cried while masturbating because I genuinely couldn't think of a single person that would fuck me in real life. FML