发霉啦：今天，我跟男朋友打算认真谈谈我们的未来

连晕控制
今天，我跟男朋友打算认真谈谈我们的未来。到头来却聊了10分钟我们平时都什么时候拉屎。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML

梦想
今天，尽管我已经结婚，还租了套属于自己的公寓，但我仍旧无法实现儿时的梦想，把我老婆推倒在沙发上疯狂捣蒜，就因为“会弄脏给孩子们准备的沙发”。FML
Today, despite being married and renting my own apartment, I can't fulfil my teenage dream of slamming my wife on the sofa and pounding her like cheap mince, all because it would apparently "defile the sofa for the children." FML

服从
今天，我明白了当警察向你喊：“不许动，否则我就要用泰瑟枪了！”这句话真正的意思其实是：“你要是敢哆嗦一下，我就开枪，5万伏的电流能从你鼻窟窿眼儿一路拐进你的大腿根儿”。FML
Today, I found out that when an officer screams, "DON'T MOVE OR I'LL TASE YOU", it really means, "If you so much as flinch I'm going to shoot and 50,000 volts will be directed through your nose and groin." FML

精准袭击
今天，毒虫儿子敲开了我的家门，他洗的干干净净，穿着整洁的衣服，上面还别着几枚戒毒所的奖章，满怀歉意，我俩大哭一场，庆祝着他戒毒成功。我转身去厨房拿纸巾，也就不到一分钟的功夫，等我再回去的时候，我的钱包、电视机都被他偷走了，就连装了75块钱的零钱罐儿也没逃过一劫。FML
Today, my junkie son came to the house showered, in clean clothes, with sobriety chips from NA, full of apologies, and we had a good cry about his recovery. I went to the kitchen for tissues, for less than a minute, but when I got back he’d stolen my purse, television, and spare change jar with about £75 in it. FML

老派
今天，家里的网坏了，我就跟女儿说，你还是改看DVD吧。她呆呆的看着我的脸，问我什么是DVD。想想我还知道录像带呢！淦，我还真是上岁数了。FML
Today, our internet is down so I told my daughter to watch a DVD instead. She looked at me dead in the face and asked what a DVD was. To think I even remember VHS tapes. Damn I’m getting old. FML

8点鼓掌
今天，我在郊区一家医院工作，这里人手短缺严重，我们不得不一人上两轮班，根本没有时间在家准备吃的，而且这地方小到没外卖吃。整整一个星期，我都是靠三明治活的。FML
Today, I work at a rural hospital where personnel is so short-staffed that we have to take double shifts without time to prepare food at home, and the place is too small to have a place to order food from. I lived off of sandwiches the entire week. FML

还是离了好
今天，我老公郑重其事的说他对我没感觉了，要跟我离婚，就因为我必须要做双乳切除术。我提醒他说，“咱俩结婚的时候你可发誓说不论疾病与健康”，他说他以为那是在说“流感之类的小病，而不是这玩意儿。”FML
Today, my husband announced he’s no longer attracted to me and wants a divorce because I got a needed double mastectomy. When I reminded him of his wedding vows, “In sickness and in health” he said that he thought that meant “the flu or something, not this shit.” FML

谢谢哈
今天，我的邮箱收到了第一件新婚礼物。我立马拆开了礼物，然后打电话给寄件人表示感谢。结果她骂我说怎么拆开了啊，她把收货地址搞错了才寄给了我，还让我把东西寄回给她。FML
Today, I received my first wedding present in the mail. I opened it immediately and called the sender to say thanks. She yelled at me for opening it and, because she shipped it to me by mistake, requested it back. FML

放弃
今天，在五年婚姻后，我那一度沉迷于健身房的老公现在已经胖脱了形，就连标准传教士姿势都会让他头晕眼花，上气不接下气，为了不晕过去，他只能就此作罢。已经1年多了，他都没能让我高潮过一次，他还坚持认为自己没毛病，是我太刻薄了。FML
Today, after 5 years of marriage, my once-gym-mad husband is now so unfit that even standard missionary sex makes him so breathless and light headed, he has to stop in case he passes out. He hasn’t given me an orgasm in over a year and yet he insists nothing's wrong with him, and that I’m just being mean. FML

泄气
今天，还有前几周，我老公一直在生闷气，因为我最近停止母乳喂养后，傲人双峰逐渐缩水回到了最初的A罩杯。FML
Today, and the for the past few weeks, my husband has been sulking because I’ve recently stopped breastfeeding and my boobs have started shrinking back to their original A cup. FML

爱是……
今天，我偶然听到儿子跟他爸说自己恋爱了。我老公一点迟疑都没，跟他说这只是暂时的，感情是没有意义的，女人只会让你伤心，存在银行里的钱可比任何女人的冷脚丫子更能温暖男人的夜。我尽量不让自己觉得他是在指桑骂槐。FML
Today, I overheard my son tell his dad that he’s in love. Without pause, my husband told him it’s temporary, it won’t last, relationships are pointless, women only cause grief, and money in the bank keeps a man warm at night better than any woman with cold feet. I’m trying not to feel insulted. FML

他们觉得都完事了……现在才是
今天，我担任一场足球比赛的裁判，我吹了一次犯规。场边的教练生气的向我咆哮：“会不会吹哨！”于是我请他离场。他在离场的时候朝我竖了中指，骂我一句“CNM！”这可是5岁孩子的球赛。FML
Today, I was refereeing a soccer match and I called a foul. An angry coach kept screaming at me, saying, "You're crazy!" I asked him to leave the field. As he left, he lifted his middle finger and screamed, "FUCK YOU!" I ref 5-year-olds. FML

直升机父母
今天，我在自助餐里盛吃的。突然，我妈蹦出来，朝着一个男人大声嚷嚷，让他不要推我。没人推我，刚才是我自己脚下拌蒜。可怜的家伙一脸懵逼，囧的要命，我妈还不让我替他说话。FML
Today, I was getting food at a buffet. Suddenly, my mom appeared and started screaming at a guy for pushing me. I wasn't pushed by anyone, I just tripped over nothing. The poor guy looked so confused and embarrassed, and my mom wouldn't let me defend him. FML

昨儿晚上啊……
今天，我洗完澡伸手从架子上拽下来条毛巾，结果发现上面沾着已经干掉的屎。看样子昨儿我妹的生日派对应该是没厕纸用了。FML
Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML