发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，我成了喷射战士
喷射状况
今天，我成了喷射战士。我从厕所里出来，想给我那3岁大的孩子换尿布。这孙子就跟你唱反调，我刚打算回去上厕所，他又躺下了。我认为自己能憋住。但事与愿违。他光着屁股满屋子疯跑，而在我跑回厕所的时候，屎水已经顺着我的腿淌了下来。FML
Today, I had explosive diarrhea. I got off the toilet to change my 3 year-old's poopy diaper. He was being stubborn, so I was going to go back to the toilet, which is when he laid down. I thought I could do it. I couldn't. He ran around diaperless as I ran back to the toilet with liquid shit running down my leg. FML
人生真不公平
今天，老公问我，要是他一个人去莱茵河上坐船旅游的话我会介意吗。因为上了年纪，我的脊柱侧弯和骨关节炎愈发严重，旅游对我来说是有心无力。以前的我要么是因为太穷，要么是因为忙于工作，可如今我们既有钱又有闲了，我却因为病的太厉害而无法出游。FML
Today, my husband asked me if it was alright if he went on a riverboat trip on the Rhine River without me. The scoliosis and osteoarthritis in my back has gotten so bad with age, I have become seriously disabled and unable to travel. I used to be that we were too poor or too busy with work, but now that we have the money and time, I'm too sick. FML
伏笔
今天，我翘课去送喜欢的姑娘赶飞机，在拥抱道别后我亲了下她的脸颊。她乐了，然后说：“看来咱们得聊聊分寸这事儿，等我回来的吧。”FML
Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said, "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML
嘟嘟！
今天，在因公参加一场社区活动时，我踩在冰上摔了一大屁蹲儿。一位先生过来扶我起来，结果我却放了个大响屁。FML
Today, I slipped and fell on the ice while attending a community event for work. A man came to help me up, and I farted really loudly. FML
家庭关系
今天，在离婚诉讼期间，我决定给俩孩子做做亲子鉴定。结果出来了，没有一个是我亲生的。我女儿的生父不知道是谁，但是我儿子的DNA和我相近，但又不是父子那种相近，而更像是我的侄子那种，也就是说，我的亲兄弟中有一个是他亲爹。FML
Today, during divorce proceedings, I decided to have my kids DNA tested. Neither of my kids are mine. My daughter's real father is unknown but my son's DNA identifies him as related to me, but not as my son, so he’s more likely my nephew, meaning his dad is one of my brothers. FML
物价下降
今天，我的律师通知我说，由于生活成本的不断升高，她现在将收费标准提高到565刀一小时。这是我时薪的20倍。我的生活成本甚至都没涨过我都没有因为生活成本涨过工资。FML
Today, my lawyer let me know that due to the rising costs of living, her rate has increased to $565 an hour. That's more 20 times my pay. I'm not even getting a cost of living increase. FML
我在家呢
今天，我爹妈报警貌似是因为打电话我一直没接，他们就觉得我出事儿了。当时我正在上厕所，没带手机，这样能避免玩儿手机分心一直干坐着了。看来这不是个明智的选择。FML
Today, apparently my parents called 911 because I wasn't answering their phone calls, so they thought something was wrong. I was in the bathroom and didn't bring my phone, so I wouldn't distract myself and ended up sitting there forever. Looks like that wasn't the right choice. FML
家庭冲突
今天，小叔子小舅子睡我家沙发已经有一年了。一开始我还挺同情他，但是他完全就不工作，因此当我发现他窝在沙发椅上，身上穿着我的睡衣，手里还端着我的雪莉酒时，我就把丫扫地出门了。现在睡沙发的人成了我，因为他姐生我气了。FML
Today, it’s been a year since my brother-in-law started sleeping on our sofa. At first I had sympathy, but he hasn’t even been looking for a job, so when I found him wearing my robe, drinking my sherry, in my armchair, I evicted his ass. Now I’m the one sleeping on the sofa because my wife is mad at me. FML
吐槽大会
今天，我老公和我一直教导孩子，要用和平的冲突解决技巧来化解霸凌者。而我妹却教他如何用“吐槽”反击霸凌者。目前为止，我儿子已经说哭了三个孩子，而我还得去见校长。老妹儿，真是谢谢了。FML
Today, my husband and I have been teaching our son to deal with bullies using peaceful conflict resolution techniques. My younger sister however thought it’d be a good idea to teach him how to “roast” his bullies back. So far he’s made three kids cry and I have to see the principal. Thanks Sis. FML
高效
今天，我意识到为什么老婆最近老爱挑事儿跟我吵架。我一生气就会靠收拾屋子来发泄。于是她才故意惹我生气，这样自己就不用做家务了。FML
Today, I realized why my wife starts so many arguments lately. I vent by angry-cleaning. She pisses me off on purpose so she doesn't have to do any chores. FML
絮叨
今天，我发现老公从来没有想过要娶我，他跟我领证纯属是因为我不停的纠缠着让他跟我求婚。FML
Today, I found out that my husband never wanted to marry me, he only did because I wouldn't quit pestering him to propose to me. FML
是时候放手了
今天，算起来是结婚2年的老公连着第6个月拒绝和我做。我全身上下刮的溜光。我去减肥让身材变得更好。我做更多的家务事和工作，还去上学。我甚至舔都舔不硬他那家伙事儿。我不知道还能做些什么了。FML
Today, marks the sixth month in a row my husband of two years refuses to have sex with me. I've shaved everything, I lost weight to try to be more shapely, I do more chores, work, and go to school. I can't even get him erect with a BJ. I don't know what else to do. FML
哎呀
今天，在上班的时候，我听见有个员工在边听电话边笑。我让他闭嘴，好好回去干活去。原来他并不是在笑，他的父亲刚刚去世了。FML
Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML
逃离现场
今天，我3岁大的侄子宁愿选择跳窗摔断胳膊，也不想让我照看他。FML
Today, my three-year-old nephew chose to jump out of a window and break his arm rather than be babysat by me. FML
别自找麻烦
今天，我老婆给我的柴油车里加了汽油，发动机完蛋了。我有点生气，但是也没大喊大叫什么的，可她却冲着我大发脾气，说我把这锅扣她身上不公平。临末了，我还为了她的错误向她道了歉。FML
Today, my wife put petrol in my diesel car and ruined the engine, I got a bit upset, but I wasn’t screaming or yelling or anything, but she flew completely off the handle at me at how I was putting all the blame on her and it wasn’t fair. I ended up apologising to her for her mistake. FML
脆弱
今天，我擤鼻子的时候把背给闪了。FML
Today, I managed to throw my back out by blowing my nose. FML
天鹅肉
今天，公交车上一位漂亮姑娘告诉我女朋友说：你男朋友真帅，你运气可真好。女朋友立马就把我领回了家，狂热的跟我来了一发，然后哭着和我分手，因为：“不是你的问题，是我不配。”FML
Today, an attractive woman on a bus told my girlfriend I was good looking and that she was a lucky woman. She immediately took me home, shagged me vigorously, cried, and then broke up with me because, “It’s not you, it’s me.” FML
耳朵！我的耳朵！
今天，我听到了儿子失去了他的童贞。这很难听不见，我是残疾，需要他的搀扶才能下床，所以在我醒来后就听见他在隔壁屋里。他听起来就像是一只垂死的猫，而且完事儿哭了，女方还得安慰他。哎草，真希望我这听力也残疾。FML
Today, I heard my son losing his virginity. It was hard not to, I’m disabled and need his assistance to get out of bed, so when I woke up I could hear them in the next room. He sounded like a dying cat, plus he cried afterwards, and she had to comfort him. God I wish I was deaf as well as disabled. FML