发霉啦：今天，我在健身房的跑步机上来了个长跑

麻木无感
今天，我在健身房的跑步机上来了个长跑，后来发现衣服上有些血渍。应该是我的奶头被蹭的太厉害，以至于血洇透了身上的白T恤，而我还一直没发现，在健身房里来回溜达。FML
Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML

车库摇滚
今天，我怂恿老公和他那些中年朋友一起组建个乐队，但我没想到他们会给自己起名叫“湿屁乐队”。FML
Today, I encouraged my husband to form a band with some of his other middle-aged friends, I just had no idea they would name their band The Wet Farts. FML

友军伤害
今天，为了追公交车，我打算从一群打架的二傻子中间穿过去。同一时刻，警方围捕了所有的人，我也被错逮了起来。更糟糕的是，一个二傻子说是我先动的手。我真是路过的啊！FML
Today, I tried to walk past chuds fighting in the street so I could catch my bus, except that when the police were rounding everyone up, I was mistakenly collared as well. To make it worse, some of the chuds claimed I threw the first punch. I just wanted to catch my bus. FML

悠着点儿
今天，我给对象口，一时间她出现了TIA(短暂性脑缺血)，失去意识了好一会儿。看起来好像中风了，于是我最后叫来了救护车。她需要住院两天，因为我的口活儿太6了。FML
Today, I went down on my partner to the point where she suffered a TIA (transient ischemic attack) and lost consciousness temporarily. It seemed like she'd had a stroke, so I ended up having to call an ambulance, and she gets to spend two days in hospital because I apparently give excellent oral. FML

历史准确性
今天，我不得不跟15岁的儿子解释，为什么在他的《历史武器图鉴》中放一张红色超能战士的照片是个坏主意。FML
Today, I had to explain to my 15-year-old son why it wouldn't be a good idea to include a picture of the red Power Ranger in his "Weapons throughout history" project. FML

没人爱
今天，学校里的所有人都跟我说，祝我哥生日快乐。我俩是双胞胎。FML
Today, everyone at school told me to wish my brother a happy birthday. We're twins. FML

一点就炸
今天，女朋友开始跟我玩儿冷暴力，因为我不愿意和她弟一起打COD。这逼孩子玩儿家庭桌游都能乌鸦哥上身，那他被压根儿不在乎他感受的COD老鸟一顿虐菜时会作何反应？她特么想过么？FML
Today, my girlfriend is giving me the silent treatment because I won’t play Call of Duty with her brother. This kid loses his temper violently at family board games, how the fuck does she think he’ll react when he gets mercilessly wiped out by COD players who don't give a toss about his feelings? FML

童年小窍门
今天，我闺女发现，只要她当着店员的面把玩具包装拆开，那她妈妈就会不得已掏钱买下它。今儿她已经到手两样新玩具了。FML
Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

终结者
今天，我给我妈打电话，想听听狗狗的声音，因为在我搬出来住之后，照顾狗狗的一直是她。我妈说狗狗前几天生病，已经被安乐死了。FML
Today, I called my mother to hear how my dog was doing, because she had been taking care of her while I was moving. My mom told me she had put her down a couple of days ago, cause she was sick. FML

至少有人是开心的……
今天，我不得不跟10岁大的儿子说，爸爸妈妈要离婚了。他的反应？“太棒了！我要跟爸爸一起住！”FML
Today, I had to tell my 10 year-old son that his father and I are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

离远点儿
今天，为了防我5岁大的儿子，邻居竖起了一面电围栏。FML
Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML

21世纪分裂男
今天，我哥拒绝了能救他命的输血，以防政府有意用带病的血液来要他的命，因为他知道是外星人密谋让苏纳克当上了首相。没错，他又没按时吃药。FML
Today, my brother is refusing a life-saving blood transfusion, just in case the blood happens to be deliberately contaminated with a disease by the government to kill him, for knowing aliens secretly made Rishi Sunak Prime Minister. Yes, he’s off his meds again. FML

很高兴见到您
今天，我在男朋友家去应门，开开发现是一位胖女人，看起来、闻起来都是无家可归的感觉，还蛮横的想要撞开我进屋。我说你要再不走我可就要报警了！身后的男朋友看到这位恶心人的胖女人，说出了可怕的三个字：“嗨，老妈。”FML
Today, I answered the door at my boyfriend's house to an obese woman, who looked and smelled homeless, and rudely tried to barge past me to get inside. I told her to get out or I’d call the police. My boyfriend behind me saw this disgusting woman and said those two awful words: “Hi Mom.” FML

到处都是
今天，交警怀疑我酒后驾车，于是让我靠边停车，要求我做酒驾测试。我真的是滴酒未沾，但我的驾驶技术似乎非常烂。FML
Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML

保存
今天，我们帮姥姥擦冷柜，结果在里面发现了一只保存完好的黄鼠狼尸体，不知什么原因，黄鼠狼被家里的猫咬死以后就一直保存在冰柜里。那只猫是我妈小时候养的，现在我妈都64岁了。FML
Today, we were cleaning out my grandma’s freezer and found a perfectly preserved dead weasel, which she had put in there for some reason after the cat had killed it. My mom’s cat from when she was a child, that is. My mom is 64 now. FML

是挺牛逼
今天，我有幸做了肾结石移除手术，他们会锤击肾脏来击碎结石。术后，医生通过广播喊我老婆回到等候室。我老婆吓坏了，赶紧跑了回来，医生说：“我就想让你瞅瞅这结石。是不是挺牛逼？”FML
Today, I had the pleasure of having a kidney stones removal procedure where they hammer your kidneys to break up the stones. Afterwards, the doctor called my wife over the intercom to come to back to the waiting room. She freaks out, runs back, and the doctor says, “I just wanted to show this stone. Cool huh?" FML

释放自我
今天，4岁大的女儿突然在百思买里脱下了裤子。没有了衣物的阻拦，似乎屁味儿也更醉人了呢。FML
Today, my four year-old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

现在的孩子啊……
今天，我当上了奶奶。今年我44岁 。我儿子才15。FML
Today, I became a grandmother. At 44 years-old. My son is 15. FML

指环忘
今天，尽管结婚才不到两天，我老公就已经把婚戒给弄丢了。。FML
Today, despite been married for less than two days, my husband has managed to lose his wedding ring. FML

自由鸟
今天，我给男朋友买了两张音乐会的票作为生日礼物。他喜欢的不得了，但扭头问我：“必须得和你一起去吗？”FML
Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said, "Do I have to bring you?" FML