发霉啦：今天，我下班到家后发现老公的东西全都不见了

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今天，我下班到家后发现老公的东西全都不见了。卧室的衣柜里有一张纸条，用他的结婚戒指压着，上面写着：“希望你能懂我的意思。对不起了。”我不仅被甩了，找不到他的下落，而且现在我还得承担他那一半的房贷，我这点儿工资也不够啊。FML
Today, I come home from work to my bedroom to find all my husband’s stuff gone. There was a note in the dresser, with his wedding band, that read, “I hope you can take a hint. Sorry.” Not only was I dumped, and I can’t locate him anywhere, but I now have to cover his part of the mortgage which I can’t afford. FML

无路可逃
今天，本来应该是和朋友一起开心1小时的皮划艇，结果却变成了5个小时的磨难，海岸护卫队的直升机来了，救护车来了，上了医院，皮划艇还毁了。FML
Today, what was meant to be a fun hour-long paddle with a friend turned into a 5-hour ordeal involving a coast guard helicopter, an ambulance, a hospital visit, and a ruined canoe. FML

无路可逃
今天，我逮到老公对着电话说“我也爱你，等不及去见你啦”。我问他跟谁打电话呢，他说：“我同事小李啊。”我让他拿给我看看他和“小李”的短信记录，他却“哎呀！”一下直接把手机顺窗户扔下了5楼。然后扭脸朝我发火，让我赔他一个新手机。FML
Today, I caught my husband saying, “Love you too, can’t wait to see you” on his phone. I asked him who he was talked to and he said, “my coworker Ricky.” When I asked to see his texts with “Ricky” he threw his phone out the fifth story window, saying “Oopsy!” He then threw a fit saying I owe him a new phone.FML

杰克…………
今天，我和男朋友唠嗑。他不肯和我一起上船游览墨西哥湾，说他害怕会像泰坦尼克号一样撞上冰山。FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML

萝卜青菜，各有所爱
今天，我发现我那棒呆了的新男友巨爱看《欢乐树的朋友们》，就是关于一帮矫揉造作的动物们惨死的动画片。我刚说的“巨爱”，是说他会对着这动画片撸。我为了远离他已经飞离地球了。FML
Today, I found out my awesome new boyfriend loves a show called Happy Tree Friends, about cutesy animals dying horribly. When I say "loves", I mean he masturbates to it. I'm running very fast and very far away now. FML

美丽的家乡
今天，同事不相信我是阿拉巴马人，说：“你这么聪明，没有那么种族歧视……而且你的牙齿一颗都没少，还没有和表亲约会。”这帮逼啊。FML
Today, my coworkers won't believe I'm from Alabama. Apparently, "You're too smart and not racist enough… plus you have all your teeth, and you're not dating your cousin." Fuck these people. FML

仓促
今天，晚饭时男朋友向我求婚了，要是我俩不是刚约会两个月、晚饭不是在赛百味就好了。FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at dinner, which would’ve been nice if we hadn’t been dating for only two months, and dinner was at Subway. FML

我从未了解你
今天，我在油管上看到了一条最可爱最暖心的老狗。当我想再多看几个它的视频时才发现，它已经在上个月去世了。我这一天都没缓过劲儿。FML
Today, I saw a YouTube video of the cutest, sweetest old dog. When I checked the channel for more videos of this dog, I discovered that he died last month. Day ruined. FML

摧毁
今天，我上班时触电了。老板还觉得我演戏呢，即便我左手的一大部分都已经电没了。FML
Today, I got electrocuted at work. The boss thinks I'm faking, even though a chunk of my left hand is gone. FML

我哥，纯二傻子
今天，看电视的时候我嫂子突然笑着喊我。原来是我哥把头卡在了楼梯的护栏里。这已经不是第一次了。我哥他都29了。FML
Today, I was watching TV when my sister-in-law called me, laughing. It turns out my brother got his head stuck between the bars on the stairs. Again. My brother is 29. FML

定论
今天，我被骂是恋童癖，还被打了，因为我停车的位置挨对着麦当劳的室外游乐区，我还在车里坐了一会儿。可我是在等我的得来速订单，而且还是服务员让我停这儿等的。FML
Today, I was called a paedophile and was physically attacked, because I parked in a spot directly next to a McDonald’s outdoor play area and sat there for a while. I was waiting for my drive-through order, in the spot where the staff told me to wait. FML

疏远
今天，我爸给我打电话，我们已经有几个月没联系了。我没有接听，但他不小心给我留了个语音留言，说：“我去，怎么打给她了。”FML
Today, I got a phone call from my dad, who I haven't heard from in months. I didn't answer, but he did leave me an accidental voicemail, saying, "Oh shit, I didn't mean to call her." FML

条子
今天，我因为“违章”停车被开了罚单。我是在机场等着接我的残疾爸爸，停车的所有手续也都是齐全的。但警察根本不管，现在我还得为了撤销这张罚单来一场官僚地狱行。FML
Today, I got a ticket for parking "illegally." I was waiting for my handicapped dad at the airport and had all the required documents to park as I did while waiting for him. The cop didn't care, and now I have to go through bureaucracy hell to get it cancelled. FML

浪漫绝对是死了
今天，我去见朋友介绍的相亲对象。他用一个迷人的笑容迎接我，打了个嗝说：“柰子真棒！”我开始不抱希望了。FML
Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

永远不要放松警惕
今天，我在沙滩上晒太阳的时候睡着了。醒来发现有一群海鸥在吃我肚皮上的面包。我肚皮上怎么会有面包？因为我弟知道我最怕的就是鸟。FML
Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

脆弱
今天，女友的王八蛋前任在我耳边低声说：“下次她亲你的时候，别忘了那张嘴曾经裹过我的鸟。”现在每当她吻我的时候，我脑子里都会浮现出画面，让我性趣全无。FML
Today, my girlfriend's bastard ex whispered in my ear that, "she used to suck my cock with that mouth, think about that the next time she tries to kiss you." Now it's all I can picture every time she kisses me, and it's lowkey disgusting, and turns me off. FML

三人成群
今天，我知道了男朋友为什么不愿意让我搬进他的新房子和他一起住。因为他的另一个女朋友已经住进去了。FML
Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't let me move into his new apartment with him. It turns out his other girlfriend had already moved in. FML