When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
My husband and I have come to a difficult decision: we don't want children. If anybody does, please leave your contact information, and we'll drop them off tomorrow.
Do you know the phrase “One man's trash is another man’s treasure”? I don't know why, but adopted people don't like it.
I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
I’ve got the perfect body, but it’s at home in my freezer.
My daughter asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose,” I told her.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
Gen Z should change their name to quaranteens.
Doctor: “You'll be at peace soon”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor:"No, your wife is"
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject.
“Mom, why is my backpack so heavy? ”“Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar.”