发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，女朋友给我打电话说她有一个天大的好消息
是好消息，还是。。。
今天，女朋友给我打电话说她有一个天大的好消息。说我治好了她每个月都会得的那个“病”。FML
Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML
高速追车
今天，我报警说看到一个酒驾的司机。由于跟踪那辆车，我被接线员训斥了一顿，还让我赶紧挂断电话，因为我不该在开车时打电话。FML
Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML
某时某地
今天，我们正在收拾屋子，家里的壁炉墙上少了块砖头，现在是一个洞。而我老公觉得塞个逼真的蜘蛛玩具来堵这个洞贼特么有创意，那支棱出来的蜘蛛腿正好在我眼巴前儿。一下就把我给吓尿了，我现在还得去洗沙发垫。FML
Today, we are having work done and our chimney breast has a hole where a brick is missing. Well, my husband thought it would be funny to rig up some realistic spider leg things that would poke out of the hole next to my face. I had to wash the sofa cushion because I pissed myself from fright. FML
我倒是想！
今天，朋友给我来一电话，问我为什么订婚没跟他说。我压根儿就没订婚，可我真希望他说的是真的。有关我生活的传闻要比现实更幸福呀。FML
Today, I got a call from a friend asking why I didn't tell him I was engaged. I'm not, but I wish I was. Rumours about my life seem to be better than the reality. FML
搞快点
今天，我在公司正擦玻璃门呢，有个哥们走过来了，于是我就帮他开了门。完事儿他就站在那里，冲着我展开双手，还闭上了眼睛。我寻思他是想让我抱抱他呀，于是就拥抱了他。原来他是想让我用Windex(玻璃清洗剂)喷喷他啊。FML
Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML
隐私
今天，我跟暗恋对象通电话，为了方便说话我躲进了厕所里。我妈喝多了开始拍门，问我在里面干嘛呢。我跟她说我正在讲电话，然后她敞着嗓门大喊：“拉屎你还打电话？”电话那边瞬间挂断了。 FML
Today, I was talking on the phone to my crush so I went into the bathroom for some privacy. My drunk mother started banging on the door, asking what I was doing in there. I told her that I was on the phone, so she yelled super loud, "While you're shitting?" He immediately hung up. FML
双杀
今天，我因为在限速40的路段超速而被一个骑警拦下。就在警察朝我车走过来的时候，我顺着车窗把抽完的烟屁股弹了出去。警察也没惯着我，一次给我开了两张罚单。FML
Today, I was pulled over by a motorcycle cop for speeding in a 25 MPH zone. As the cop was walking towards my car, I flicked my cigarette butt out of my window. So, the cop did me the pleasure of writing me two tickets instead of one. FML
腐败
今天，男朋友刚跟我说，他妈让他跟我分手，甚至可以为此给他钱。他妈可真不是东西。FML
Today, my boyfriend just told me that his mom told him to break up with me, and that she would pay him to do it. His mom is a bitch. FML
不是我！
今天，我在坐火车的时候，有人放了个屁。结果所有乘客都看向我。人们总是认为屁是胖子放的。FML
Today, I was riding the train and someone farted. Everyone looked at me. People always blame farts on the fat guy. FML
友善的邻居
今天，邻居隔着围栏把我的足球踢了回来。他们把球割开了，还在上面贴了个字条说：“再有下次，就该是你的脸了。”我现在不敢再在自家后院踢球了。FML
Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML
有没有搞错？
今天，深夜我被剧烈的敲门声惊醒。敲门的是刚约会没几周的一个男人，手里还提着一个行李箱。他说自己因为出轨被老婆踹出了家门，他觉得现在正好是搬过来和我一起住的好机会。FML
Today, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a frantic banging on my front door. It was a guy whom I'd only been dating a few weeks, with a suitcase. He stated that his wife kicked him out for having an affair, and thought now would be a good time to move in together. FML
一览无余
今天，我被迫看了一个肥仔的屁股缝儿长达三个小时，考试的时候他就坐我前面。我敢肯定我成绩下滑了。FML
Today, I was forced to spend three hours looking at a fat guy's butt crack, seated directly in front of me during an exam. I'm pretty sure it lowered my grade. FML
大脑短路
今天，是我做助教的第一个学期。我备课备了好久，演练了一遍，还跟教授一起探讨了一下。结果课堂上有两个学生睡着了，我说了两次“艹”，还话说了一半大脑宕机了，然后说：“不好意思同学们，我也不知道我自己在讲什么。”FML
Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML
这是个阴谋！
今天，我出水痘了。我都28岁了，成年人出水痘巨他妈痛苦。我跟上司请假说今天没法上班了，因为出水痘了，他回复我说：“这是我见过最离谱的请假由头。成年人才不会出水痘！”然后就把我开除了。FML
Today, I got chickenpox. I'm 28 and having chickenpox as an adult is excruciatingly painful. When I told my boss I wasn't going to be at work today because of chickenpox he replied, "That's the worst excuse I've ever heard. Adults don't get chickenpox." He then fired me. FML