发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，牛排化冻后有些血水滴到了冰箱下面
气候变化
今天，牛排化冻后有些血水滴到了冰箱下面，但我没瞅见。巨热的一天过去后，现在整个房子闻起来都像是来了大姨妈。FML
Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML
多核运行
今天，我帮朋友遛狗的时候，瞅见了一个小女孩骑自行车摔倒了。于是我就松开了手里的狗绳，去帮小女孩。小女孩没有受伤，可狗狗跑到了路中间被车撞了。FML
Today, while I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, I watched as a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was OK but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML
好好选啊
今天，男朋友对纸牌魔术的痴迷达到了一个新极点。我正拉着屎，他突然冲进厕所让我选一张牌。FML
Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML
习惯使然
今天，我所在的地区遭遇了大规模雷暴天气。我们全家的第一反应便是赶紧去到奶奶家，确保她安然无恙。因为她一个人住，又体弱多病的。等我们收拾好准备出门时，才突然意识到一个残忍的事实：她已经去世了。 FML
Today, there was a massive thunderstorm in my area. My first instinct - as well as my parents' - was to go to my sickly grandma's house and make sure she was okay, as she lives alone. As we prepared to step outside, we all remembered a rather crucial detail: My grandma is dead. FML
搁浅
今天，我钥匙被反锁在车里了。找了好几个小时的备用钥匙也没找到，于是我们就打电话给保险公司求助，然后他们派了一位“锁匠”来帮忙。这哥们带了个楔子还有把撬棍，把我俩车门的把手都撬掉了也没打开锁。我的钥匙还在车里。FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML
有点不对劲
今天，我男朋友通知我，由于他的一个项目是和女同学一起做的，早上又要和她一起搭车，所以女同学要在他家过夜了。FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that since he's doing a project with a girl in his class and carpooling with her in the morning, she'll be sleeping over at his house. FML
下流套路
今天，在一场混合家系的橄榄球比赛上，我爸不择手段的朝我喷垃圾话，说我是“天杀的车祸现场”，不停地身材羞辱我，为的就是让我破防的足够久，好让他们的队伍能借机得分。FML
Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML
救护车可真贵
今天，我羊水破了，给老公打电话他没接。给妹妹打电话让她开车送我去医院，结果丫说给她1000刀才送。我不得不打了911，在卫生间里等着的时候差点生了出来。FML
Today, I went into labor, and my husband wasn't answering his phone. I called my sister to ask her to drive me to the hospital but she said she'd only do it if I paid her $1000. I had to dial 911, and almost gave birth in my bathroom in process. FML
永久文身
今天，我纹了人生的第一个纹身。图案是一把巨大的阔剑，整把剑是沿着我的脊椎纹的，剑尖正好到尾巴骨。在我回家炫耀时才发现，衣服把剑身遮住后，后脖子上的剑柄看起来就像是根儿丁日。FML
Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off, only to learn that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML
报应
今天，我发现一辆SUV的油箱盖没盖好，于是就不停的按喇叭、闪远光灯想要吸引他们的注意。没成想他猛地一脚刹车，我车直接怼他后屁股上了。真是好人没好报。FML
Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML
TOP 1%
今天，我被火速送往急诊室。作为一名成年人，似乎扁桃体摘除后只会有一个严重副作用——喉部出血，而且可能会有生命危险，但只有1%的人会出现这种情况。而我就是那1%。FML
Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML
快说清
今天，出去和女朋友玩儿的老婆给我发来了短信，上面说：“我得把一朋友送回家，她醉成一滩烂泥了！我今儿晚上就住他这儿了哈！明儿早上再联系你。”等等，“他”？？？。FML
Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML
把你们经理叫过来
今天，我打电话给汽修店，向经理投诉他们一个拖车司机老是性骚扰我。接电话的女孩突然就开始哭了，说那个司机是她老公。我被性骚扰了，我车抛锚了，我可能还终结了一段婚姻。FML
Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML