发霉啦：今天，我弟想要我手机打游戏

狡猾
今天，我弟想要我手机打游戏，我当时正在跟朋友打电话，就没答应。没成想他走到墙边，一头撞在上面，嚎啕大哭，然后去跟爸妈告状说我揍他。他们还真信了。FML
Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML

妈，您可真幽默
今天，我和我妈偶遇了我男友，她从来没见过他。我跟男朋友随意寒暄了一下就分开了，我妈跟我八卦：“那男的挺帅，是谁啊？”我停顿了一下说：“是我男朋友啊。”结果她问我：“这事儿他知道吗？”FML
Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way, my mother said, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then said, "Does he know that?" FML

天降新称号
今天，我在外面和一位非常帅气的同事唠嗑，突然有一只蛾子飞进了我的耳朵里。它活生生的卡在了里面，吓得我滋儿哇乱叫，不停地拍打自己的耳朵。剩下的时间都在急诊室里处理。现在我获得了“蛾子夫人”的永久称号。FML
Today, I was talking with a very attractive coworker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as The Moth Lady. FML

无耻
今天，我去一家高档餐厅相亲。相亲对象要晚到一会儿，所以我就先去占了个桌子。我等烦了，于是打算问问服务员我看起来如何。他站在那里，然后说：“当面嘲笑顾客是违反公司制度的。”FML
Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that, "It's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML

秘密
今天，我发现谈了2年的男朋友有一个漂亮的女儿。这很棒耶，只不过她刚1岁。FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has a beautiful daughter. That's cool, except she's one year old. FML

美丽人间
今天，我女儿12岁了，尽管她为人和善，却一个朋友都没有。我问她原因，她回答说：“其他孩子都希望我死掉。”FML
Today, my daughter is twelve and doesn’t have a single friend, despite being kind and sweet. When I asked her why, she said, “All the other kids want me to die.” FML

林间空地
今天，我把屋里彻底打扫了一遍，还是能闻到有股子臭气。后来，室友向我揭晓了他“存放和晾干”袜子的新空间：通风管。FML
Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML

万事都有第一次
今天，我又咳嗽又打喷嚏，感觉特别糟糕，于是决定去商店买点骨头汤和橙汁儿。在我刚拿起橙汁儿，突然感觉要放屁，只不过窜出来的不是气，而是稀。现年35岁的我在商店里拉了一裤子。FML
Today, I've been sneezing and coughing and not feeling well, so I decided to go to the grocery store to get some bone broth and some orange juice. Shortly after grabbing the orange juice, I felt like I had to pass gas, except it wasn't gas, it was diarrhea. At 35 years-old I pooped my pants in the grocery store. FML

抱歉，我也不知道啊
今天，是我当夜店保安的第一天。我有点迟到，所以没能见到所有的同事。当天晚些时候，有个醉醺醺的家伙非要往夜店里闯，我跟他说里面客满了，让他在外面排队等候。他还是不听，使劲往里挤，我就一下把他推翻在地。他是这儿的老板。FML
Today, was my first day as a bouncer. I was a bit late and didn't meet all the staff. Later that night, some fairly drunk guy was trying to force his way in, I told him we were at capacity and that he would have to wait. He kept trying and I ended up pushing him to the floor. He was the owner. FML

飞蛾扑火
今天，我跟老公在我俩第一次约会的公园里浪漫的散着步，他走着走着突然一头撞在了树上。原来他是在看旁边草地上坐着一个穿短裙的妹子，坐的那个姿势从某个角度看过去正好可以看见她的底裤。我必须得说啊，他可真浪漫。FML
Today, in the middle of a romantic walk through the park where we had our first date, my husband actually walked into a tree because he was looking at a woman who had sat down on the grass in such a position that he could see up her skirt. Very romantic of him, I must say. FML

很高兴认识你
今天，班里一个女同学向我做了自我介绍，这已经是本学期的第四次了。我真的那么透明人吗？FML
Today, a girl in my class introduced herself to me for the fourth time this semester. Am I really that invisible? FML

吹毛求疵
今天，我姐让我不要再去她家了，因为她孩子害怕我的脸。FML
Today, my sister told me not to come over anymore because her baby is scared of my face. FML

吓人
今天，男朋友把我甩了，只因为他害怕我妈。FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me, all because he's scared of my mother. FML

正当防卫
今天，我去奶奶家接她的猫去看兽医。奶奶忘了我是谁，还拿着辣椒喷雾怼我脸上呲。FML
Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat to take him to the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML

凌乱
今天，我因为发型“不符合公司要求”被开除了。我又脱发症，而老板让我少找借口。FML
Today, I was fired for having a haircut that was 'inappropriate for the workplace'. I have alopecia. My boss told me to stop making up excuses. FML