发霉啦：今天，我去拔智齿

别动！！
今天，我去拔智齿。有一颗的根尖发炎形成了囊肿，牙医说干脆还是拔了算了——只不过麻醉药没那么够劲儿。我按医生说的抬手示意很疼，他看着我已经扭曲成一团的脸说：“你可以的。”FML
Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. There was a cyst behind one of them, and the dentist decided to extract it - except the Novocaine didn't reach that far back. I raised my hand like they said to do, and the dentist looked at me writing in pain and said, "No, you're fine." FML

逃跑计划
今天，结婚已经22年的发妻突然搬去了3000多公里外的地方，开始了新工作。她10月份时就申请了这份工作，但一直瞒着我。我从未背叛过她，也没虐待过她，她就是说自己想要开始新的生活。FML
Today, my wife of 22 years moved 2000 miles away to start a new job. She applied in October and never told me. I've never cheated on or abused her, she just said she wanted a new life. FML

坚持住
今天，胳膊骨折的儿子大哭，因为他想把石膏取下来。他刚哭完，我的继子就哭了起来，因为他想要戴石膏。老婆也在哭，因为儿子骨折她特别内疚。距离摘石膏还有一个半月。FML
Today, my son has a broken arm and is crying because he wants to take the cast off. As soon as he stops crying, my stepson starts crying because he wants a cast too. My wife is also crying, because she feels guilty that our son broke his arm. Six weeks until the cast comes off. FML

生动
今天，我讨厌的一个人在我脸书头像照下面评论说，我“长得就像从一棵大丑树上掉下来，途中还撞断了每一根树枝”。一共60个人点了赞，其中还有我男朋友和闺蜜。FML
Today, a guy who I hate commented on my Facebook profile picture that I "look like I've fallen off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." Sixty people liked this, including my boyfriend and my best friend. FML

呔！贼人！
今天，老板让我去帮他跑个腿，还非常信任的让我开他的车去，因为平时我都是坐公交。过去和回来都非常顺利，可我在回公司停车的时候有人开车撞上了我，损伤惨重。撞我的是他老婆，她以为我是偷车贼。FML
Today, my boss entrusted me with his car to run an errand, as I usually take the bus. I managed to get there and back safely before someone slammed into me while I was re-entering the lot, causing major damage. It was his wife, who thought I was a car thief. FML

伪装者
今天，男朋友看着我卸妆，他说自己原先认为女孩不化妆更漂亮，但现在不这么认为了。FML
Today, while I was removing my makeup with my boyfriend watching, he mentioned that he used to think girls were prettier without makeup on, but he'd now changed his mind. FML

现实点！
今天，有人说给男人送礼物可太简单了，平时多留意他们嘴里常念叨的就行。我男人想让切尔西登顶英超积分榜。你让我咋办？FML
Today, someone said that giving men gifts is so easy, just pay attention to what he says. He wants Chelsea on top of the league table. How am I supposed to do that? FML Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML

操蛋人生
今天，过去一年多时间里我一直在美国生活。我被人骂是纳粹，被问到我们德国有没有电，还一直拿我的“德国口音”取乐。我甚至都不是德国人，我是丹麦的。FML
Today, and for the past 13 months, I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

降低预期
今天，我跟老公聊他欣赏的女明星。那些有颜值、有才华、有魅力的女人们让我有点自惭形秽了。于是他试着安抚我说：“但我爱的是你。她们我也娶不到。”FML
Today, my husband and I were talking about celebrities he finds attractive. All of these beautiful, talented, glamorous women were starting to make me feel very plain, so he attempted to console me by saying, "But I love you. You're attainable!" FML

无线耳机
今天，在我开箱新耳机的时候，我家猫突然喵了一声，吓我一跳，手一哆嗦剪断了耳机线。FML
Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing, and cut through the headphone wire. FML

母乳时间
今天，我在公园里看到一位母亲正在哺乳她的孩子。本来这事儿很正常，关键内孩子至少得有8岁了。FML
Today, I saw a woman breastfeeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years-old. FML

破产男孩
今天，阴部又肿又刺挠的厉害，直接给我痒醒了。然后我发现了这都是我男朋友买的廉价厕纸惹的祸。FML
Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

夜间娱乐
今天，我醒来发现室友惊恐的盯着我。她说我睡觉时两头儿都不闲着，又唱歌又放屁的。还很大声那种。FML
Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

今天，我终于开始做有氧减肥了。是什么激励了我？我刚看了一部僵尸片儿，跑得慢的先领盒饭。FML
Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML