没品笑话集：我在钱包里放了一张老婆的照片

我在钱包里放了一张老婆的照片，这样我就不会忘了这里面为什么没有钱。
I keep a picture of my wife in the front of my wallet, so I can remember why there's no money in it.. ---moistgusset88

对象问我：“如果有人给你1万刀让你和亲妈做，你会怎么办？”

我说：“挺难办的，但我估计会换辆新车吧。”
My mate asked me, "If you were offered ?10,000 to have sex with your mum, what would you do?"

I said, "It's a tricky one but I'd probably buy a new car." ---wally123

给威尔士小年轻们的温馨提示：

电视广告上宣传的以后开车不得高于20，说的是时速，而不是水深。
Note to Welsh teenagers.

When the ads came on the telly saying you have to drive under 20 now, that's MPH, not feet of water.. ---niggerfarage

又快要到一年中的那个时候了，老婆喝的酊酩大醉，然后开始一年一度的吹喇叭。

希望今年能轮到我。
Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.

I hope it's me this year!--microwave

昨儿晚上爷爷骂我是个小变态，因为他半夜醒来的时候发现我正在抠他的菊花。

我辩解说房间太黑了，还有我怎么知道他会和我奶奶换边睡了？

My grandad called me a little pervert last night when he woke up in bed and I had my finger up his arse.

In my defence the room was dark, and how was I supposed to know that him and my nan swapped sides? --wally123

我不得不辞去了手表厂的工作。

坐我对面那男的老是挤眉弄眼的。
I had to quit my job at the watch factory.

The guy sitting opposite me kept making faces.--microwave

*单位的电话响了*
上司：你为什么不接电话？

我：多响一会儿再接。这样他们就会觉得我除了在电话上蛋逼之外还有别的工作忙。

上司：赶紧他妈的接电话！！

我：这里是999，请问您有什么紧急状况呢？

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!!

Me: 999, what's the emergency?
...--microwave

周一一早我刚到公司，上司就对我说：“上周五你没来上班，希望你能找到一个好借口。”

“还真找不到，”我回答说，“所有人都逼着我去参加我老婆的葬礼。”
I went into work on a Monday morning and my boss said to me, "I hope you have a good reason for not coming into work on Friday."

"Not really," I replied, "Everyone made me go to the wife's funeral."--hadoken

黑五促销开始了。

以色列停战了。

是巧合吗？

Black Friday sales start.

Israelis pause the war.

Coincidence?--giftcard

今天我学到了两个有趣的事实：在行驶的火车上(朝着行驶的火车)撒尿没你想的那么容易。还有我上了全部霍恩比玩具店的黑名单。

*霍恩比是一家制作售卖精品火车模型的玩具商

I learned two interesting facts today: It's not as easy as you'd think having a pee on a moving train. And my ban covers ALL Hornby shops. -- almalkin

当人们说“一旦你了解他以后，就会觉得他挺好的。”

其实他们的意思是：“他是个傻逼，但你会习惯的。”

When people say "he's alright once you get to know him"
It actually means
"he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it" -- stickyagain

我不是说我家穷啊，但是有好几回，我妈都让我拿着一粒扣子去找隔壁邻居，问她能不能在扣子上缝件衣裳。

I'm not saying we were poor,
but many a time my Mother would send me next door with a button
and ask our neighbour if she would sew a shirt on it.-- cheryll25uk