没品笑话集
没品笑话集：我在钱包里放了一张老婆的照片
我在钱包里放了一张老婆的照片，这样我就不会忘了这里面为什么没有钱。
I keep a picture of my wife in the front of my wallet, so I can remember why there's no money in it.. ---moistgusset88
对象问我：“如果有人给你1万刀让你和亲妈做，你会怎么办？”
我说：“挺难办的，但我估计会换辆新车吧。”
My mate asked me, "If you were offered ?10,000 to have sex with your mum, what would you do?"I said, "It's a tricky one but I'd probably buy a new car." ---wally123
给威尔士小年轻们的温馨提示：
电视广告上宣传的以后开车不得高于20，说的是时速，而不是水深。
Note to Welsh teenagers.When the ads came on the telly saying you have to drive under 20 now, that's MPH, not feet of water.. ---niggerfarage
又快要到一年中的那个时候了，老婆喝的酊酩大醉，然后开始一年一度的吹喇叭。
希望今年能轮到我。
Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.I hope it's me this year!--microwave
昨儿晚上爷爷骂我是个小变态，因为他半夜醒来的时候发现我正在抠他的菊花。
我辩解说房间太黑了，还有我怎么知道他会和我奶奶换边睡了？
My grandad called me a little pervert last night when he woke up in bed and I had my finger up his arse.
In my defence the room was dark, and how was I supposed to know that him and my nan swapped sides? --wally123
我不得不辞去了手表厂的工作。
坐我对面那男的老是挤眉弄眼的。
I had to quit my job at the watch factory.The guy sitting opposite me kept making faces.--microwave
*单位的电话响了*
上司：你为什么不接电话？我：多响一会儿再接。这样他们就会觉得我除了在电话上蛋逼之外还有别的工作忙。
上司：赶紧他妈的接电话！！
我：这里是999，请问您有什么紧急状况呢？
*Phone rings at work*
Boss: Why don't you answer it?
Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.
Boss: ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!!
Me: 999, what's the emergency?
...--microwave
周一一早我刚到公司，上司就对我说：“上周五你没来上班，希望你能找到一个好借口。”
“还真找不到，”我回答说，“所有人都逼着我去参加我老婆的葬礼。”
I went into work on a Monday morning and my boss said to me, "I hope you have a good reason for not coming into work on Friday.""Not really," I replied, "Everyone made me go to the wife's funeral."--hadoken
黑五促销开始了。
以色列停战了。
是巧合吗？
Black Friday sales start.
Israelis pause the war.
Coincidence?--giftcard
今天我学到了两个有趣的事实：在行驶的火车上(朝着行驶的火车)撒尿没你想的那么容易。还有我上了全部霍恩比玩具店的黑名单。
*霍恩比是一家制作售卖精品火车模型的玩具商
I learned two interesting facts today: It's not as easy as you'd think having a pee on a moving train. And my ban covers ALL Hornby shops. -- almalkin
当人们说“一旦你了解他以后，就会觉得他挺好的。”
其实他们的意思是：“他是个傻逼，但你会习惯的。”
When people say "he's alright once you get to know him"
It actually means
"he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it" -- stickyagain
我不是说我家穷啊，但是有好几回，我妈都让我拿着一粒扣子去找隔壁邻居，问她能不能在扣子上缝件衣裳。
I'm not saying we were poor,
but many a time my Mother would send me next door with a button
and ask our neighbour if she would sew a shirt on it.-- cheryll25uk