没品笑话集：在我小时候，曾经有名警官来我们学校做演讲

在我小时候，曾经有名警官来我们学校做有关毒品的演讲。

他讲的什么我是一个字都听不懂。
When I was a child a police officer came to school and gave a speech on drugs.
I couldn't understand a damn thing he said. ---sage

老婆老说我对孩子太软了。

拍谢了吼。我已经44岁了，怎么可能跟年轻时那样一直那么硬。
The wife keeps saying I'm too soft on the kids

Well I'm sorry, I'm 44 and just can't maintain an erection like I used to ---lennyscrevasse

地球上每天会降下9亿吨水。

8.9亿吨都下在了苏格兰。
900,000,000 tonnes of water fall on the Earth every second.

890,000,000 falling on Scotland. ---chum

我让我男人在爱爱的时候抽我巴掌。

这样或许我就不会睡着了。
I asked my old man to slap me when we have sex,
it might help stop me from falling asleep.--cheryll25uk

“亲爱的你知道吗？我们人类和猪的DNA有98%是相同的！”

“别解释了，戴夫。跟孩子们告个别，拿着你的行李滚蛋吧。”

?Apparently we share 98% of our DNA with pigs, darling?

?Not good enough, Dave. Say goodbye to the kids, pack your bags and fuck off? --lennyscrevasse

我揍了我的老婆，因为这晚餐做的也太难吃了。

事后我想了一下，或许我应该让服务员把餐厅经理叫过来才对。
I slapped and punched my wife because my dinner was shit.

On reflection, I should've probably just asked the waiter to call the manager.--stallion

我跟老婆一个礼拜几乎每天都做。

周一几乎做了
周二几乎做了
周三几乎做了
……

Me and the wife have sex almost every day of the week.

Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
...--gooner

我深深地觉得，我和我的戴森吸尘器已经无法分离。

那是一个缝隙吸嘴，今天晚些时候在急诊室里被取了出来。
I sense that deep within me I have an attachment to my Dyson vacuum cleaner.
It's a crevice nozzle, and it's being removed later today at A&E.--mrsbrownsboysishit

“你妈已经和咱们住了20年了，”我跟老公说，“是时候让她出去自己住了吧？”

“我妈？”他说，“我还以为内是你妈呢。”

Your mother has been with us for 20 years, I said to my husband.
Isn?t it time she got a place of her own?

My mother? He replied . I thought she was your mother.--cheryll25uk

突发新闻--6名恐怖嫌疑人坐小船偷渡到英国，政府展开大规模搜捕行动。

行行好！放过他们吧。他们只是想和已经在英国的6万同胞团聚罢了。

Breaking News:-
"Huge manhunt under way after six terror suspects sneak into UK on small boats"

C'mon! Give 'em a break. They just want to meet up with the other 60,000 already here. -- ironass

老师：谁来说一个以“anal”结尾的单词？

学生：老师，三氯甲烷？

Teacher: Think of a word that ends with "anal"?

Pupil: Chloroform, Miss? -- lennyscrevasse

为促成人质交换，以方同意停战。

以方可以换回200名犹太人，而英国方面可以换回200万巴勒斯坦人。

Israel has agreed a ceasefire in order for a hostage exchange to be made.

Israel gets 200 Jews, Britain gets 2 million Palestinians. -- jackmeough

我家狗刚把我新买给孩子的玩具熊扯坏了。

这玩具现在缺胳膊少腿的，还垂着头。

我不得不跟儿子说，这熊是加沙限定款。

My dog just ripped my kid's new Pudsey Bear apart.

Now it's got one arm , a leg , and a head hanging off.

I'll have to tell him it's the special Gaza edition.-- funboy3

我不害怕孤身一人呆在黑暗的房间里。

我害怕身处黑暗的房间里时不是孤身一人。

I'm not scared of being in a dark room alone...
I'm scared of not being alone in a dark room. -- ericdidage