发霉啦：今天，我被裁员了

牛逼变相
今天，我被裁员了。走出大厦的时候，我看见有个人拄着拐，心想：“乐观点，好歹我这两条腿都健健康康的。”2个小时之后，我在打篮球时扭伤了膝盖。FML
Today, I got laid off. Walking out of the building, I saw someone on crutches and thought, "Hey, at least I can still walk." Two hours later, I blew out my knee playing basketball. FML

我们很抱歉
今天，在牙科的候诊室里，一妹子扇我一大逼兜。我当时在微笑着看别人的发霉啦。她却以为我在用手机偷拍她的柰子。FML
Today, I was slapped across the face by a girl in the waiting room at the dentist's office. She thought I was taking a picture of her breasts with my phone. I was smiling while reading other people's FMLs. FML

道德恐慌
今天，我姐在脸书上分享了一篇文章，内容是“同性恋”是如何毁掉“婚姻的神圣性”。我没忍住发了条评论，说她在过去7年里结了3次婚，而我跟我老婆婚姻幸福美满了快9年。她删了我的评论，然后又拉黑了我。FML
Today, my sister shared a post on Facebook which talked about how "gays" are destroying the "sanctity of marriage." I couldn't help but point out that she's been married 3 times in the last 7 years, while I've been happily married to my wife for nearly 9. She deleted my comment then blocked me. FML

人类！别无视我！
今天，在我上班的时候，女朋友一连给我打了4通电话。搞得我特别担心，于是就出公司去接她的电话。她在电话里哭喊着：“是猫猫！”“它怎么了？是生病了还是伤着了？”“都没有！它老是喵喵叫个不停！”FML
Today, my girlfriend called me four times in a row at work. Worried, I stepped outside and answered the phone. Through tears, she screamed, "It's the cat!" Was he sick or hurt? "NO! He won't stop meowing!" FML

起起伏伏
今天，我不得不跟老板解释，我之所以会在她通知要给我涨薪时泣不成声，是因为当时我正要送我病危的猫去医院做安乐死。好消息赶上了坏时机。FML
Today, I had to explain to my boss that the reason I was sobbing hysterically as she told me that I was getting a pay raise was because I was going to the vet to have my sick and dying cat put down. Good news at a bad time. FML

老哥，她俩可不算财产啊
今天，我哥的遗嘱把他的全部财产都留给了第二任老婆，而两个孩子的抚养权还有块八毛的抚养费则留给了我，就因为他觉得他这媳妇不是当妈的料。狗东西，我也不是啊。我爱这俩侄女，但要让我当她俩的妈，我得疯了。你还是把财产留给我吧。FML
Today my brother's will leaves all his wealth to his second wife, while I get left his two kids and a small amount to help cover raising them, because his second wife isn’t mother material. Bitch, neither am I, I love my nieces but I’d go mad if I had to be their new parent. Leave me the money instead. FML

解释的时候得拿他当三岁小孩
今天，我和清洁工轮番着跟一个租户解释，说楼上的住户不可能把燃气灌进他家通风口来让他便秘，因为无论是燃气、人体还是我们整栋楼的通风系统的原理都不是这样的。我俩反复劝他该上医院瞧瞧他的便秘，可他还是半信半疑。FML
Today, the janitor and I both had to tell a tenant that his upstairs neighbor cannot push gas into his air vent to constipate him, as that's not how gas, the human body, or our ventilation system, work. We told him repeatedly that he needed to see a doctor. About his constipation. He still wasn't sure. FML

谢谢了，傻帽
今天，我站个折凳好擦高处的玻璃。凳子突然塌了，我重重的摔在地上。老公嘟囔着“你要是少吃俩甜甜圈也不至于这样了！”然后大笑着走开了。还是16岁的女儿开车带我去了急诊室。FML
Today, I was cleaning a tall window on a stepping stool. All of a sudden, the stool gave way under me, sending me plummeting to the ground. My husband muttered, “Maybe if you laid off the Krispy Kremes this wouldn’t have happened!” laughed and left. My 16 year-old daughter had to drive me to the ER. FML

你该走了
今天，我朋友发现自己被女朋友绿了，然后来找我倾诉。我很开心能帮他度过这段艰难的时光……直到他独自闷了一整瓶的威士忌。他开始大发酒疯，用拳头锤了满墙的洞，还搬起家具各种砸。我的家现在一片狼藉。FML
Today, my friend found out his girlfriend was cheating on him. He came to talk to me, and I was happy to help him through this tough time… until he drank a bottle of whiskey by himself. He flew into a drunken rage and started punching holes in the wall and throwing furniture. Now my house is wrecked. FML

宝贝儿也有需求
今天，我的异地恋女友问我，她能否在她那边再找一个。FML
Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

亲生的
今天，我妈想让我在她之前做近视手术，“省的这手术不安全。”FML
Today, my mom said she wanted me to get laser eye surgery before she did, "just in case it isn't safe." FML

重要宣布？
今天，我第一次见对象的好哥们。他开心的拥抱了我们，然后祝贺我俩要做父母了。可……我这只是胖，并没有怀孕。在去他家的2个小时车程中，我一直强忍着泪水，而我对象和他也尴尬的一句话都没有说。FML
Today, I met my SO's best friend for the first time. He gave us both a big smile and hug, and congratulated us on the pregnancy. Except… I'm just overweight, not pregnant. The entire two hour drive to his house was spent with me trying to hold back tears, and a very awkward silence between them. FML

生日快乐
今天，我爸把我叫醒，对我说我们要去迪士尼乐园啦。原来“我们”指的是他和我妈。不过他俩在走之前也的确没忘了祝我“生日快乐”。FML
Today, I woke up to my dad telling me that we're going to Disneyland. Apparently, by "we" he meant him and my mom. They did, however, make a point to say "Happy birthday!" before they left. FML

次奥
今天，我在我们这儿的一家彩弹枪场馆工作。上班时我看到一个女孩的彩弹枪没上保险。于是就走过去提醒她把保险开开，结果她说：“别担心，又不打你。”然后就一枪打在我的篮子上。FML
Today, while working at the local paintball place, I noticed a girl without the safety on her paintball gun. I approached and reminded her to put the safety on, to which she replied "Don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you." And then she did. In the nuts. FML

过于信任
今天，在火车上，我上面憋回去一个喷嚏，下面喷出来了一点屎。FML
Today, I tried to stifle a sneeze while on the train and instead shat myself a little bit. FML

口味很固定
今天，男朋友说，他会和我约会的诸多原因之一就是我的名字和他背上纹的前女友的名字一模一样。FML
Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML

这玩意儿合法吗？
今天，是爷爷的葬礼。在我爸和我姑把他的骨灰倒进洞里时突然刮了阵强风，骨灰灌我一嘴。我差点被爷爷呛死。牧师还专门停下嘴中的祷词来笑我。FML
Today, at my grandad's funeral, as my dad and aunt poured his ashes into the hole, a strong gust of wind blew the ashes into my throat. I choked on my grandad. What made it worse was that the vicar had to stop her prayer to laugh. FML

黑暗中的曙光
今天，我妈在西班牙突遇车祸身故。可我老公特么一整天都在强忍着让自己不笑出声，就因为①他俩一直讨厌对方②我妈富得流油，而我是她的独女。我只想让我妈活着。FML
Today, my mom died suddenly in a car crash on holiday in Spain. My husband has been struggling not to smile like a Cheshire Cat all fucking day because 1) they hated each other and 2) mom was as rich as Croesus and I’m her only child. I want my mom back. FML

问得好
今天，我跟派对上认识的一男人做了，然后昏倒在他的床上。我在凌晨3点醒了过来，他坐起来说：“你还没走呢？”。FML
Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML

错得离谱
今天，我发现新男朋友平时几乎不怎么主动碰我。即便是我主动，他也还是会特别快的抽身。原来他爸跟他科普了“假强奸指控”，就连正在约会的女人也这么干，所以他现在很害怕碰我。FML
Today, I noticed my new boyfriend barely touches me casually, unless I initiate, and even then he’ll pull away fairly quickly. Apparently his dad told him about "fake rape accusations", even from women you’re dating, so he’s scared to touch me now. FML