发霉啦：今天，老公问我：“你为什么爱我呢？”

褒贬不一
今天，老公问我：“你为什么爱我呢？”我对他掏心又掏肺解释了5分钟。然后我问了他相同的问题，他看着我的眼睛说：“我不爱你。”。FML
Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

总得有人做
今天，我发现在孤单的时候，我会自己给自己加油打气。FML
Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML

高级技巧
今天，在看动物星球的时候我才意识到，男朋友对我使用了《狗语者》的训狗技巧。FML
Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

为时过早
今天，我把男朋友的名字纹身上了。我俩是同事，我想着他会喜欢，于是就让他看这个纹身。结果他对我说，他没法和我继续下去了，因为他发现自己还是想和老婆重修于好。3小时的疼痛外加2年的感情就这么白费了。FML
Today, I got a tattoo with my boyfriend's name on it. As we're coworkers, I showed it to him thinking he’d love it. He told me he couldn’t continue the relationship anymore since he realized he wants to fix things with his wife. Three hours of pain and 2 years down the drain. FML

就快要瘦了！
今天，我作为一个超重女性的超级噩梦之一成真了。男朋友给我看了一段别人拍摄的我俩一起健身的视频，那人全程都在嘲笑我的体重。FML
Today, one of my worst nightmares as an overweight woman came true. My boyfriend showed me a video someone had recorded of us exercising together, and who was mocking my weight the entire time. FML

冲浪型仔
今天，一个型男冲浪手朝我这边走来，我和朋友一起眼馋他的身子。我都准备好给他我的手机号了，可他对我说：“要是我像你俩那样，一直色眯眯的盯着你俩的比基尼看，我早就进局子了。还有，我这岁数都能跟你爹称兄道弟了，放尊重点吧啊。”FML
Today, I was admiring a hot surfer with my friend when he approached us. I was prepared to give him my number but instead he said, “If I was staring at you two in your bikinis the way you two were ogling me, i’d go to jail. I’m old enough to know your dad by the way, have some respect.” FML

该死，老是好孩子赢
今天，女朋友和我分手了，因为她觉得我俩约会时，她的狗狗很孤独。FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she felt that her puppy was lonely while we dated. FML

修的好先生
今天，我估计我老公他就是想证明点什么，洗碗池子洗碗机坏了他不请修理工，非要自己动手修。他跑油管上看了半天的教程，最后不但没修好，反倒坏的更彻底了，连保修都走不成了。现在我们只能按原价换套新的了。FML
Today, I guess my husband was trying to prove something by fixing our dishwasher himself instead of letting the maintenance man come. He watched videos on YouTube but ended up breaking it beyond repair, thus voiding the warranty. Now we have to replace the whole thing at full price. FML

屋主协会真傻逼
今天，我收到了屋主协会的一封通知。顶上说要是我再不给自家草坪浇水的话，就罚我150刀。而我要是浇了水就会因为违反限水令，被政府罚款150刀。FML
Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

急转直下
今天，很快就要成为前夫的老公使了个贱招。他把我俩的前婚房给卖了，然后把卖得的钱都放进了我侄女们的大学基金里面，在我家人这边显得特仗义。他已经有新的房子住了(他是富二代)，而我只能和大学朋友挤在一起住。FML
Today, my soon-to-be-ex husband raised the bar. He sold our former marital home and put the money into a college fund for MY nieces. Now he looks great to my family, he already has a new place to live (thanks to his rich parents), and I’m stuck living with a college friend. FML

疑神疑鬼
今天，4岁女儿的房间里飘出来股怪味儿。我进到屋里查看，然后发现她一直在把垃圾桶当马桶用(还藏了起来)，因为有时候她“实在是憋不到厕所了”。FML
Today, I noticed a weird smell coming from my four year-old daughter's room. I went to investigate and found she had been using (and hiding) her garbage can as a toilet, for when she "can't make it in time." FML

生物不及格
今天，男朋友跟我说，他出生时是臀位，还解释说这就意味着他是从他妈妈的菊花里拉出来的。FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML

真会挑时候，渣男
今天，是孩子们开学第一天，我老公却觉得今天是他坦白有小三并决定离开这个家的绝佳时机。他拎着提前收拾好的行李就走了，剩我一人边哭边开车把孩子送到学校。FML
Today, on the first day of school, my husband decided it was the perfect time to announce that he’s leaving because he’s seeing another woman. He already had his suitcase packed, and vanished. Now I have to take my kids to school, crying over their dad. FML

不至于吧？
今天，我外公穿着白袜子，踢拉着拖鞋就进了厕所。在他关上门的那一刹那我才想起来，厕所里的擦屁股纸已经用完了。但我又不好意思打断他拉屎，于是就等着他喊我拿纸。可他自始至终都没有喊我，然后光着脚走出了厕所。FML
Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did I remembered there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper; he never did, and came out without socks. FML

快来帮我！
今天，我儿子和儿媳妇因为同一个罪行都要去坐牢了。我最近刚退休，还要替他们照顾招人烦的15岁老大还有没满岁的老二。我已经快70岁了，我已经干不下去了。就这点养老金根本不够花的。FML
Today, my son and daughter-in-law are both going to jail for the same crime. I’m recently retired but I’m now stuck raising their bratty 15 year-old and their new baby, who’s less than a year old. I’m nearly 70 years-old, I can’t do this shit anymore. I certainly can’t afford it on a pension. FML

宁可信其有
今天，是我当洗碗工的第一天。我特别开心，因为我已经有好几个礼拜没收入了。有几位客人吃了霸王餐，这家饭店之前从来都没遇见过这情况。我老板她贼迷信，然后炒了我。FML
Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

血腥场面
今天，我是我们这儿天主教教堂的祭坛侍者，身上穿着长长的白袍。在弥撒结束后，我手捧蜡烛向祭坛鞠躬，然后转身开始沿着耳堂往外走。身后的女人快步跟上，跟我说我下面的血已经洇透了白袍。FML
Today, I was an altar server at my Catholic church. I wore a long white robe and at the end of Mass, I grabbed my candle and bowed to the altar. I turned around and started walking down the aisle. The woman behind me came up quickly to tell me I had bled through my robe. FML

瓶中信
今天，在医院时，护士让我留个紧急联系人的电话。我本来想留我老婆的号码，但是她上个月跟我离婚了。我想不到还有谁了。我父母都已经过世了，其他亲戚也都不在这个国家生活，而我既没孩子也没朋友。FML
Today, I was at hospital and the nurse asked me for an emergency contact number. I was about to say my wife, but she divorced me last month. I couldn’t think of anyone else. My parents are dead, none of my other relatives live in this country, and I have no children or friends. FML

这次要被差评了
今天，由于膝盖的严重感染，我服用了一种超强的抗生素，而这药的副作用就是肠道不受控制。在客户家的地下室讨论下水工程的时候，我拉了自己一裤子。FML
Today, due to the powerful antibiotic I was taking for a bad infection on my knee, I had no control over my bowels and shat my pants while discussing a plumbing problem in a customer's basement. FML

巧合？应该不是吧
今天，我跟老公去逛商场，正好碰见他高中时候的女朋友了。我们就寒暄一下，叙叙旧，我老公说我俩生了一个女儿。她问孩子叫什么名字，但我老公犹豫了一下然后想要岔开话题，我就直接跟她说叫Juniper。和她重名。FML
Today, my husband and I ran into his high school girlfriend at the mall. We were catching up and my husband told her that we have a daughter. She asked what our daughter's name, but my husband hesitated and tried to change the subject, so I told her it was Juniper. That was her name. FML