发霉啦：今天，我被辞退了。

避免尴尬
今天，我被辞退了。不是因为我工作能力差，主要是我老板觉得，在他睡了我老婆之后，还要天天面对我有点不太合适。FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Not because I don't do a good job but because my boss didn't feel it was appropriate to have an affair with my wife and have to face me everyday. FML

靓仔
今天，我在一个5岁孩子生日派对上扮演白马王子。演完我的戏份之后，旁白问孩子们：“刚才的白马王子帅不帅啊？”孩子们异口同声的回答：“丑死啦！！！”。FML
Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old's birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, "Was the Prince handsome?" and they all replied with a chorus of, "Nooooo!" FML

双重困难
今天，我带女朋友回家见家长，所有人都说她长得和我妈一模一样。FML
Today, while introducing my girlfriend to my family, everyone told me that she looked exactly like my mother. FML

多汁儿
今天，我家隔壁树上的果子熟了，听说可以随便摘着吃，这给我高兴地。我摘了一些汁水丰富的李子，大快朵颐。几分钟后，我的舌头跟烧着了似的，火辣辣的疼。原来我对李子过敏啊。FML
Today, I got excited when I learned that the fruit on the trees by my apartment building was ripe and free to pick. I picked myself some juicy summer plums and enjoyed them. Minutes later, my tongue started burning painfully. Turns out, I'm allergic to plums. FML

盎然
今天，到家已经后半夜了。屋里黑漆漆的，但我听见未婚妻在厨房里，于是我走过去吻了她，顺带手捏了捏她的两瓣屁股。通常这会让她性趣盎然，可今天她却尖叫着打开了灯。我一瞅，是特么我姐。我刚才摸了我姐的腚。大半夜2点钟，她在我家黑灯瞎火的干嘛呢？FML
Today, I got home at 2am. It was dark but I heard my fiancé in the kitchen, so I went and kissed her, and grabbed both ass cheeks. Normally this would turn her on, but she screamed and turned on the lights. It was my sister. I groped my sister's ass. Why was she in my house in the dark at 2am? FML

真是鼓舞人心啊
今天，我跟一帮朋友说我暗恋一个姑娘。他们都说我绝逼没戏，纯纯的单相思。FML
Today, I told a bunch of my friends that I have a crush on this one girl. They all said it's definitely one-sided and I have no chance. FML

眼神儿真好啊！
今天，我以为一个帅哥正在欣赏我的翘臀，于是我就又撅了撅，好让他看个够。然后他去找了一位店员，跟她指了指我就离开了。店员过来告诉我说：“小姐，你的裤子开档了，内裤都露出来了，还有啊，上面好像还有屎印儿。”FML
Today, I thought a cute guy was checking out my ass, so I cheekily bent over a little to give him an eyeful. He walked over to a shop assistant, pointed at me and left. The assistant then informed me, “Miss, you’ve torn your trousers, your knickers are visible, and, um, apparently you have a skid mark.” FML

别变来变去的
今天，我因为带病上班惹祸上身。而昨天，我因为请病假而惹上了麻烦。FML
Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

萍水相逢
今天，上班时我喝了杯咖啡，我的工作环境苍蝇贼特么多。后来在晚上的时候，我在牙托下面发现了一只苍蝇。它卡在那里应该有半天时间了。FML
Today, I was drinking coffee at work, while being surrounded by a lot of flies in the area I was working. Later, in the evening, I found a fly under my bottom denture plate. It'd been there for about 12 hours. FML

别找借口！
今天，公司把我给炒了。原来中枪不能当作在家休养的合理理由啊。FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML

霉头
今天，一位同事说要组织一场派对。然后当着所有人的面儿，她说不会邀请我去，“省的扫大家的兴”。FML
Today, a work colleague announced that she's organising a bit of a party. She then said, in front of everyone, that I'm not invited, to "avoid ruining the vibe." FML

我的道歉呢？
今天，上体育课的时候，一颗球正中我的面门。所有人都在欢呼，因为我们又再拿下了5分。没人问我受没受伤。FML
Today, during PE, I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

阴谋论
今天，我在大学教俄国历史，收到了学生发来的一封惊慌失措的邮件，说他“自己一直以为斯大林是虚构的，就跟人类登月一样。”
Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

愿者上钩
今天，我问亲爹，我这条裙子好看不，男人们看见后会不会前赴后继的追我。他说：“艹，那得看他们喝了多少。”FML
Today, I asked my dad if he thought my dress was nice, and if guys would go for me. He replied, "Shit, depends on how drunk they are." FML

至少药是真的
今天，老婆拔完牙人醒了，但是麻药劲儿还没过。她喊着要见我，但看到我以后她说：“呕，你真丑，我让你们找我老公来，他长得只是有点憨，可你就丑的有点通俗易懂了，你才不是我老公。”我也不知道现在该是什么感觉了。FML
Today, my wife woke up from dental surgery still stoned off her box. She was asking for me, but when she saw me she said, “Ew, you’re ugly, I asked you to go get my husband, he’s goofy looking but you’re just plain ugly so you’re not my husband.” Not sure how to feel about that. FML

抱错
今天，老公拿着DNA检测结果，向我证明我们刚生的孩子不是他的种。我很困惑，于是又带孩子做了一次检测。也不是我的种。FML
Today, my husband presented me with a DNA test proving that our newborn daughter isn't his. Confused, I got her tested again. She's not a match to me either. FML

好人难当
今天，我看见有司机故意把一户人家的垃圾桶给撞倒了。我想要当个好人，于是停下车想把垃圾桶扶起来。还没扶完，房主拎着菜刀就从屋子里冲了出来，让我赶紧滚蛋。FML
Today, I saw someone purposely drive into someone's garbage can with their car. Trying to be nice, I stopped and started to pick it up. As I did, the owner came out of his house and chased me away with a knife. FML

创意十足
今天，我发现我的新室友喜欢在洗澡的时候，把掉下来的头发贴瓷砖上摆造型。还称之为艺术。FML
Today, I discovered that my new roommate likes to take the loose hair when she showers and make shapes with it on the shower wall. She calls it art. FML