今天，媳妇在手机银行上转账转错人了

毛糙
今天，媳妇在手机银行上转账转错人了，这已经是第二回了。收款人的名字是对的，但姓氏给写错了。我还得帮她擦屁股。银行说帮不了，因为是她自己转错的，而且我们也联系不到收款人。还好只损失了9000块。她能全神贯注的干自己的事儿，都是我不对。FML
Today, for the second time, my wife paid money on her bank app to the wrong person. Correct first name, wrong surname. I'm left to sort out the mess. The bank won't help due to her error, and we can't contact the payees. It's OK, only 9 grand lost. She can really concentrate on what she's doing, and it's my fault. FML

真人模子
今天，我发现我公公跟《公园与休憩》里的Ron Swanson简直一模一样。家里一起吃烧烤的时候，他误吃了我闺女的素肉香肠。我跟他说那是纯素的，结果他冲进厕所抠嗓子眼把吃进去的都吐了出来。完事儿又回到座位，风卷残云的吞了4个汉堡、8根香肠还有6个鸡腿，“像个真男人一样！”FML
Today, I realized my father-in-law is basically Ron Swanson, when at a barbecue he ate some of my daughter's vegan sausages by mistake. When I told him they were vegan, he went to the bathroom, forced himself to throw them up, then sat and demolished 4 burgers, 8 sausages, and 6 chicken thighs, "LIKE A REAL MAN!" FML

亲爱的，你还好吗？
今天，我在家附近跑步的时候让车给撞了，而且撞了不是一次，而是两次。紧跟着撞我那辆车的司机停下了车，但想确认下我有事儿没，就又往前开了点。FML
Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood, I was hit by a car, not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped, then drove forwards to see if I was alright. FML

不关门政策
今天，我24岁的哥哥又骂我偷看他上厕所。那你上厕所时倒是把门关上啊。厕所门正对着我的卧室，我想不看都难。FML
Today, my 24-year-old brother again yelled at me for looking at him while he was on the toilet. It'd be easier not to if he didn't sit on the toilet with the door wide open, and if the bathroom wasn't directly opposite my bedroom. FM

我想让所有人知道我是gay
今天，谈了快1年的男朋友跟我说他可能是gay。于是我就脱掉了上衣，风情万种的趴在他的身上疯狂的亲他，然后诱惑的问道：“现在你还这么认为吗？”“现在我更确定了。”FML
Today, my boyfriend of almost a year told me he thinks he might be gay. I took off my shirt, sexily climbed over him, and began to kiss him passionately. "What do you think now?" I said seductively. His response? "Now I'm sure I'm gay." FML

水深火热
今天，我的经济困难达到了新低，在付完理发钱以后，我又向理发师借了点钱。FML
Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML

参考
今天，我跟女生联谊会一个超辣的古巴妹子聊天。她说她妈妈只会讲西班牙语，所以都是她帮忙翻译转达。我也没过脑子，直接蹦出来了一句：“懂了，就像楚巴卡和汉索罗一样。”FML
Today, I was talking to a smokin' hot Cuban sorority girl. She told me her mom only speaks Spanish, so she translates for her. Without thinking I said, "Oh like Chewbacca and Han Solo?" FML

美国菜
今天，我女朋友做晚饭。她拿出了一只鸡，然后立马开始用洗洁精给它搓澡，吓的我要死。我问她是在干他妈什么，她反倒像看傻子一样瞅着我。FML
Today, my girlfriend was cooking dinner. To my horror, she took the chicken out and immediately began scrubbing it with dish soap. When I asked what the hell she was doing, she stared at me like I was insane. FML

活靶子
今天，我跟朋友停在了一家便利店门口。她说这一片“比较不太平”，听完我就气不打一处来，提醒她说这地方穷并不代表这里乱，她应该更包容。接着我俩就被劫匪暴了一顿，抢光了财物。FML
Today, my friend and I stopped at a convenience store. She mentioned that it was was "a bad part of town", and I angrily reminded her that just because it's a poor area doesn't make it bad, and that she needed to be more tolerant. We then got jumped, beaten, and robbed. FML

为时过早
今天，只约会了两次的妹子出现在我家门口，还带着几箱子她的东西，想要搬进来和我住。FML
Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

谜
今天，我在咖啡店里路过一个妹子，她突然就吐了。人们自然而然的就聚了过来。她朋友问她怎么回事儿，她指着我说：“快让他消失！！”我压根儿就不认识她。FML
Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I'd never met this girl. FML

好这口
今天，我养的狗，200多块钱一公斤的高级狗粮它不吃，别的狗拉的屎它吃起来没完。FML
Today, my dog won’t eat the premium $30 per kilo food I buy him, but he will eat other dog’s shit. FML

纯新手
今天，男朋友和我在酒精的作用下打算“试点不一样的”。我提议让他到我下面练练舌头，他想了一下然后说：“可以是可以，但我不想看到以后被吓着。”FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try “things” while under the influence. I suggested he go down on me; he thought about it for a second and then said, “I would, but I don’t want to get scared when I take a look.” FML

负心汉
今天，我跟同事说我谈了个新姑娘。然后一位女同事就哭出了声。接下来一整天，办公室里的女同事们都在用眼神骂我渣男，说我伤透了那位女同事的心。我约过她两次，她拒绝了两次，我还能不放弃？FML
Today, I told some coworkers I’m dating a new girl. One of my female coworkers then burst into tears. For the rest of the day, women in the office were giving me dirty looks like I broke the poor girl's heart. Um, I asked her out twice, then politely gave up when she rejected me twice. FML

地狱大道
今天，我得了尿道感染，每10分钟就得去上次厕所。同时，我快要和全家人一起踏上15小时的长途汽车之旅了。FML
Today, I have an Urinary Tract Infection, causing me to have to use the bathroom about every ten minutes. I'm also about to leave on a 15 hour car trip with my entire family. FML

环保是吧？！
今天，为了环保，我决定骑那辆生了锈的旧自行车去上班。我蹬着蹬着站了起来，双手紧握着车把。突然车把断了，我栽在了大梁上，硌爆了蛋蛋。FML
Today, I decided to ride my rusty old bike to work, since it might be good the environment. I was standing up and had a tight grip on the handlebar. The handlebar came off and I fell down onto the crossbar, busting my nuts. FML

漂亮！
今天，我让老公夸夸我。他思考了一会儿，说：“你的屎拉的很安静”。FML
Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

按着写好的剧本来
今天，我跟我爸说，我好像对我未婚夫没什么感觉了。他让我坐下来，然后严肃的对我说：“我们可是个体面的宗教家庭，他会是个好老公的，你们会生几个孩子，然后一起白头偕老。也没说你必须要爱他啊。”FML
Today, I was talking to my dad about how I don’t think I love my fiancé anymore. He sat me down and gave me a severe talking to that amounted to, “We’re a respectable religious family, he’ll be a good husband, you’ll make babies and grow old together. You don’t need to love him to do that.“ FML

不是性癖歧视
今天，女朋友生气了，因为我不愿意满足她的“睡美人”愿望。她的“睡美人”不是光亲就算完的，还要让我干她一炮。骂我什么都无所谓，我就是没办法对着一个昏睡过去的人硬起来。虽然这是得到了对方的同意，但我就是浑身不适。可她就是不懂为什么我不喜欢的点。FML
Today, my girlfriend is mad I won’t indulge her “Sleeping Beauty” fantasy. She doesn’t want me to just kiss her, she wants me to full on fuck her. Call me crazy but I just can’t get it up for a passed out person. Yes it’s consensual, but it just feels uncomfortable. She doesn’t get why I’m not into it. FML

好车
今天，我在开车的时候发现有个靓仔盯着我看。好像是在暗送秋波，于是我朝他笑了笑，但他根本一点反应都没。然后我才意识到，他不是在欣赏我，而是在欣赏我的皮卡车。这一礼拜光这事儿我都遇见5次了。我的车比我更诱人。FML
Today, I was driving when I saw that a cute guy was staring at me. Flattered, I smiled at him, but he didn't even react. I realized he wasn't admiring me, he was admiring my truck. This is the fifth time this week. My truck gets more game than I do. FML