发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，老公跟我说他改变主意了
没有后悔药
今天，老公跟我说他改变主意了，说他不想要孩子了。我们已经生了俩了。FML
Today, my husband told me he'd changed his mind and no longer wants children. We already have two kids. FML
优惠券折上折
今天，我花了俩小时才整理好全部的优惠券，出房门到再回去拢共没有10秒钟，就看见我2岁大的孩子手里攥着优惠券在撕。FML
Today, I spent two hours organizing all of my coupons, just to leave out my room for ten seconds to come back to my two-year-old crumbling them up and ripping them. FML
流氓就这样
今天，一位顾客吓我一跳，只为了看我被吓到蹦起来时上下乱晃的柰子。我知道他是故意的，因为他的头也在跟着一起上下晃，而且在走之前还说了句“奈斯！”FML
Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML
滴--- 好人卡
今天，我觉得自己真的喜欢上她了，可那女孩对我说，她亲我脸颊是因为我是个好人，但她不想和我搞对象。FML
Today, the girl I really thought I had feelings for told me she kissed me on the cheek because I’m a sweet person, but she doesn’t want to be my partner. FML
求婚者
今天，女儿把她的新男友带回了家。他的脖子上有刺青，他的人生理想是成为“啤酒乒乓球”的职业选手。FML
Today, my daughter brought home her new boyfriend. He has a neck tattoo, and his life's dream is to be a professional "beer pong player." FML
快闭嘴
今天，我父母发现了对方都在背着自己偷吃。我离开的时候，他俩正在对吼。可等我再回家的时候，他俩不仅都平静了下来，还在大方讨论着他们的小三会不会对四人行或者换7游戏有意思。真恶心。FML
Today, I’ve had to listen to my parents discovering that they were both cheating on each other. As I left, they were screaming at each other. When I got home, not only had they calmed down, they were openly discussing whether their other partners might be interested in foursomes or swinging. Ew. FML
女人就是购物精
今天，我们攒了好几个月的钱。我以为我俩攒的是首付款。但在我媳妇看来，“首付款”就是“亚马逊Prime会员日储备金”。我们攒下来的三万多块钱现在只剩下不到五千块了。FML
Today, we've been saving for months. I thought we were saving for a down payment. Apparently, to my wife, "down payment" means "Amazon Prime Day savings fund." We had over thirty grand, now we've got less than five. FML
水火不容
今天，因为上班迟到了2分钟，我被老板熊了一顿，哪怕昨天我为了帮她忙把自己午休都搭进去了。重点来了：她是我亲姐。FML
Today, at the office, my boss lectured me for being two minutes late for work, even though yesterday I worked on my lunch break because she needed my help. important to mention: my boss is my sister. FML
全心全意
今天，我在单位被抢劫了。抢劫犯抢走了我的手机、背包还有笔记本电脑。被抢了以后，我不得不提早两个半小时关了店门。老板扣了对应的工时。FML
Today, I was robbed at work. The guy stole my phone, bag, and laptop. Because of the robbery, I had to close the store two and a half hours early. My boss docked my hours. FML
失控
今天，我外婆在临终关怀医院住了几个月，犹如风中残烛，身体每况愈下，最近去世了。我一直以为女朋友特别体贴，因为最会照顾外婆的就是她。可就在我外婆去世前一天我才发现，女友根本就不在乎，她演成这样只是为了偷走外婆的止疼片。FML
Today, my grandma, who was placed in a hospice a few months ago, started to decline in health and passed away, The day before she died I thought my girlfriend was so sweet because she took a leading role in her care, just to find out she didn’t care about her at all. It was just an act to steal her pain medication. FML
动画源于生活
今天，我有一份相当爽的工作，为博物馆锻造剑、匕首等兵器。我和媳妇一起看《鬼灭之刃》的时候，看到了里面戴着面具的疯逼锻刀人，然后媳妇大笑道：“卧槽，这是你孪生兄弟吧，臭脾气都一样！”FML
Today, I have quite a niche career forging swords, knives, and other weapons for museums. Well today my wife wanted to watch the anime Demon Slayer, we got to the scenes with the insane masked swordsmith, and she burst out laughing like, “Oh my god, you’re twins, grumpy twins!” FML
臀魔
今天，我爸说：“不是我吹，你妈这屁股真是一绝！”。FML
Today, my dad uttered the words, "You gotta admit, your mother's got one hell of an ass." FML
酒鬼夫妻
今天，我爹妈发现了我藏起来的酒。这些酒甚至没看到第二天的清晨。FML
Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML
加料
今天，我跟朋友们一起做了汉堡吃。之后，负责煎肉饼的哥们坚持认为，用吐口水来判断锅的温度是否该放油是个可以接受的好法子。FML
Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML
疑神疑鬼
今天，我质问32岁的男朋友为什么老跟那17岁的女同事发信息。他说自己跟她唠的都是“工作上的事儿还有游戏什么的”，从来不扯“OOXX之类的”。有啥工作上的事儿值得他俩没日没夜的聊的？他俩都在塔可钟打工。FML
Today, I confronted my 32 year-old boyfriend about texting his 17 year-old female coworker. He says they only talk about “work related things and video games” and not about “sex or anything.” What work related things could they be talking about all day and all night long? They work at Taco Bell. FML
救命，谁来帮帮我！
今天，我醒来后发现大姨妈提前了一个礼拜。今天还是婚礼第二天和重要亲朋吃早午餐的日子。我在这鸟不拉屎的地方，根本找不到卫生巾。再有一个半小时我就要去参加早午餐了。FML
Today, I woke up to realize I got my period a week early. The day of the after-wedding brunch. In a sort of remote area. Without pads or tampons. I need to be at the breakfast in a half-hour. FML
跟踪
今天，我发现手机上启用了一个追踪app，为了节省电量我就把它给关上了。还没20分钟，我妈一个电话就打过来了，要知道我在哪儿，在干嘛，是不是和哪个女人一起……你们懂得。我已经32岁了，而且还是自己住。FML
Today, I discovered a tracking app enabled on my phone so I switched it off to save battery space. Within 20 minutes my mother rang and demanded to know where I was, what I was doing, if I was with some woman… you get the picture. I'm 32 and own my own apartment. FML
严格来说，她是对的
今天，我儿子是个严格素食者，天天念叨说严格来讲，“停止石油”组织是帮好人。而我老婆则没完没了的哭，因为她觉得我们这父母做的很失败，养了这么个二逼。自从这次争吵后，我就患上了偏头痛。FML
Today, my son is a vegan who keeps talking about how Just Stop Oil are technically the good guys. My wife won’t stop crying because she thinks we’ve failed as parents by raising an arsehole. I've had a migraine ever since this argument. FML
耻辱
今天，我妈在我的脸书头像下面评论了个“撸蛇”。这条评论还得到了41个赞。FML
Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML