发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，我被相亲对象放了鸽子
经典借口
今天，我被相亲对象放了鸽子。在我给她打电话、发信息说她是个烂人之后，她从医院给我回了电话。她没能来是因为遭遇了车祸。ML
Today, I was stood up by a blind date. After calling and texting her about being a horrible person, she called me from the hospital. She was in a car accident. FML
睡个好觉
今天，我已经连续做了4个晚上的噩梦。现在都开始害怕睡觉了。FML
Today, it's been four straight nights of terrible nightmares. I’m afraid to go to sleep. FML
老子是税局的，耶呀！
今天，我的税单显示，我已经是1年多以前面试那家企业的员工了。他们录用了我，但是忘了告诉我，而且我这么久都没去上班，他们还忘了开除我。于是我误打误撞的就成了他们的无薪员工，而且还因为那从未收到过的薪水欠了一屁股的税款。FML
Today, according to my tax bill, I’ve been employed by a company I interviewed for over a year ago. They apparently hired me but forgot to tell me, then they also forgot to fire me for not turning up, so I’m somehow their unpaid employee and yet owe taxes for wages I’ve never been paid. FML
蠕动意面
今天，我跟几天前看摔跤比赛时认识的一男的做了。等我到家后，发现我妈一直就坐在停车场里，透过窗子看了我们全程。FML
Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML
工作伴侣
今天，我去参加老公的公司派对，公司员工都可以带一位朋友或者对象参加。在派对上，我遇见了他经常提及的那个同事。她难掩失望的神色，对我老公说：“老婆？！你跟我说你是单身啊！”我们已经结婚7年了。FML
Today, I went to my husband’s work party where employees could bring a plus one. There, I met the colleague he talks so much about. She looked noticeably disappointed and said to my husband, “Wife?! You told me you were single!” We’ve been married for 7 years. FML
生活模仿生活
今天，我去参加面试，并且为一个常见的工作面试问题准备了一套绝妙的回答，但当面试官问我的主要品质有哪些时，我的大脑一片空白，脱口而出：“我喜欢乌龟。”FML
Today, I went to a job interview and had a brilliant answer prepared for a common job interview question, but as soon as the interviewer asked what my main qualities were, my mind went blank and I blurted out, "I like turtles." FML
现在的孩子啊
今天，我那蹒跚学步的儿子朝她姐姐走过去，亲吻了她的胸部，然后说：“我亲了柰子。”我都不知道他打哪儿学的这个词儿。FML
Today, my toddler son walked up to my older daughter and kissed her chest, then said, "I kissed the boob." I have no idea where he learned that word. FML
皮肤常规护理
今天，我男朋友的鸡儿毁了。我俩之前的生活一直很和谐，但由于他不去治他的股藓，他的鸡儿只要一有伸展，皮肤就会开裂，我已经将近1年半没有享受过了。FML
Today, my boyfriend's dick is broken. We used to have an amazing sex life but because he won't take care of his jock itch, and his skin keeps cracking every time there's any pulling on his junk, I haven't really been laid in almost a year and a half. FML
反约会
今天，我遭遇了你们能想象到的最严重的痛经。我取消了和“男朋友”的约会。他问我说：“有什么药吃完能管用的吗？”我回他说吃了，但是还是疼的不行。然后他说：“好吧，把我手机号删了吧，我去找个没这毛病的女人。”FML
Today, I was having the worst period cramps you could ever imagine. I cancelled the date I had with my "boyfriend." He replied, “Isn’t there some medicine you can take to make it go away?” When I told him I did and still had them, he said, “Fine, lose my number, I’ll find a girl who doesn’t have that shit.” FML
别逼我
今天，10岁的女儿躲在她的衣柜里一直不肯出来。什么原因？她不想吃我炖的肉。我真没意识到我自己的厨艺有这么烂。FML
Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML
被拘留
今天，我发现当警察问你身上有没有携带武器，而你边说“只带了这两把大枪”边隆起自己的二头肌时，他们的反应不会太好。警局里的警察也一样。FML
Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying, "Only these guns!" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. Neither will the cops down at the station. FML
奇怪的逻辑
今天，我竟然听到有人说：“那些因为医学原因没法成为严格素食者的家伙应该优雅的死去，而不该去吃动物。”FML
Today, I actually overheard the sentence, “People who can’t go vegan for medical reasons should die gracefully rather than eat an animal.” FML
不用管我
今天，我的同事们兴奋的聊着下班一起去喝点。我听见其中一个问说：“Sam来吗？”没过多久他们就抛下我走了。我就是Sam。FML
Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, "Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML
新邻居
今天，早上起床我没拉开窗帘，在昏暗的光线中看见地板上有团深色的东西，昨儿还没有。我打开灯，发现那是一个小小的蚁丘。FML
Today, I got up, curtains still closed, and in the dim light noticed something dark on the floor, which wasn’t there yesterday. I turned on the light to find out what it was. A tiny ant hill. FML
懂得越多
今天，我在动物园学到了，犀牛能够向身后撒尿，而我当时就站在一头犀牛的正后方。FML
Today, while at the zoo, I found out that the rhinos there can pee backwards, while standing directly behind one. FML
问得好
今天，我去监狱探望我哥。我不知道该说些什么，于是吐口而出：“住的还开心吗？ ”FML
Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out, "Are you having fun?" FML
对不起
今天，我才知道那些小型犬多钱一只，因为我的德牧刚吃了一只。FML
Today, I found out how much those tiny dogs cost when my German Shepherd ate one. FML
蜥蜴女王
今天，有人猜我年龄。先是猜我45岁，又猜我39岁。我刚35岁，而且为了显得更年轻，刚花了2万刀整过容。FML
Today, someone tried to guess my age. They guessed 45, then 39. I'm 35 and just spent $20,000 on plastic surgery to make myself look more youthful. FML
最佳父亲
今天，我爸对我很失望，因为我去请教他怎么跟女朋友说自己还没准备好和她爱爱。他就那么的看着我，摇了摇头，然后离开了。过了一会儿，他差我妈来问我是不是同性恋。FML
Today, my dad is disappointed in me because I came to him for advice on how I should tell my girlfriend I don’t feel ready for sex yet. He just looked at me, shook his head, and walked away. Later he sent my mom to ask me if I’m gay. FML
把握今天
今天，我一个快20年的朋友，一个我对他从未有过一丁点男女感情的朋友，向我坦白说他爱我。当着我们认识的所有人的面，在我和未婚夫的订婚派对上。FML
Today, a guy that I've been friends with for almost 20 years, and for whom I have never shown even the slightest bit of romantic interest in, confessed his love for me. In front of everyone we know, at mine and my fiancé's engagement party. FML