发霉啦：今天，我问好哥们愿不愿意赏脸当我儿子的教父

Tony Soprano？
今天，我问好哥们愿不愿意赏脸当我儿子的教父。他说：“有点过了。你又不是不知道我是无神论者。”FML
Today, I asked my best friend if he would do me the honour of becoming my son's godfather. He replied, "Um, that's just rude. You know I'm an atheist." Huh? FML

你得听话！
今天，我的私教把我炒了。原因？我想专注练习力量训练，不想减重，也不想记录碳水摄入、禁食时间，或者“在黄金时间以外不吃碳水”。原来我还不准对自己的体重感到满意啊。FML
Today, my personal trainer fired me. Why? Because I wanted to focus on strength training, not weight loss, and refused to track my carb intake or fasting hours or "hold off on carbs til the optimal time of day." Nice to know I'm not allowed to be satisfied with my own weight. FML

想啥呢，大哥？
今天，男朋友因为开车时候给我发短信，追尾了一辆警车。可我当时就坐在他旁边的副驾上啊。FML
Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

新操作系统升级发布
今天，我老公为了一个2004年出生的姑娘要跟我离婚。两千零他妈的四年。他都他妈41了。FML
Today, my husband is divorcing me for a girl who was born in 2004. Two thousand fucking four. He’s 41. FML

工作伴侣
今天，我去参加老公的公司派对，公司员工都可以带一位朋友或者对象参加。在派对上，我遇见了他经常提及的那个同事。她难掩失望的神色，对我老公说：“老婆？！你跟我说你是单身啊！”我们已经结婚7年了。FML
Today, I went to my husband’s work party where employees could bring a plus one. There, I met the colleague he talks so much about. She looked noticeably disappointed and said to my husband, “Wife?! You told me you were single!” We’ve been married for 7 years. FML

甜心大男孩
今天，我一如既往的是个飞机场，而且外表上看起来像是个小孩子。男朋友为了省饭钱，骗饭店说我是他妹妹。饭店还真信了。FML
Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

RIP
今天，在观察没有来车后，我横穿了单行道，结果被一辆逆行的汽车撞了。FML
Today, I crossed a one-way street after looking for oncoming traffic, only to be hit by a car driving in reverse. FML

控制欲
今天，我在休假前说的很清楚了，为了缓解压力，开始休假后谁也别联系我，但我妈还是每天都要给我打俩电话。后来我干脆不接了，她竟然找到了异国他乡当地警察局的直线电话，然后让警察来找我。FML
Today, even though I was very clear before I went on holiday that I was going completely zero contact to de-stress, my mother rang at least twice a day. When I stopped answering the phone, she found the direct number of the local police station in a foreign country and sent them to find me. FML

有好戏看啦
今天，未婚妻通知我说，应她父母的要求，我们的婚礼她邀请了她前夫来参加。FML
Today, my fiancée informed me she'd invited her ex-husband to our wedding at her parents' request. FML

不是性癖歧视，但这也太……
今天，我女朋友的闺蜜开始对我动手动脚的。我大为震惊，说她这朋友当的是什么玩意儿啊。女朋友突然蹦出来大声嗷嗷。原来她的性癖是看着她闺蜜和男朋友干炮，我没随她心所以她就开始发飙。啥他妈的这是？FML
Today, my girlfriend's best friend started coming on to me. I was appalled, and told her she was a terrible friend. My girlfriend jumped out of nowhere and started crying. Apparently, her kink is watching her best friend and boyfriend fuck, and she's now mad I didn't go for it. What the fuck? FML

引人入胜
今天，我在电话面试期间睡着了。FML
Today, I fell asleep during a job interview, while it was taking place over the phone. FML

困惑
今天，我才意识到自己的失眠症已经严重到了什么程度。闹钟响起的时候，我竟然拿起水瓶想要接听。FML
Today, I realized how bad my insomnia had got when I tried answering my water bottle when my alarm went off. FML

没那么中意你
今天，女朋友不愿意给我口，因为她不喜欢下面的毛儿。于是我就把毛儿给推了，完了她还不肯，说扎的慌。所以我就做了蜜蜡脱毛。结果她说我光溜溜的像个小男孩。要是她不想给我咬，干嘛不直说？还整这些我剃完了她就会口的暗示。FML
Today, my girlfriend won’t give me oral because she doesn't like pubes, so I trimmed them; she refused again because they felt prickly, so I waxed them. Now she says I look like a little boy. If she doesn’t want to suck cock, why won’t she just say so instead of hinting she might if I shaved? FML

社会寄生虫
今天，我卖了点家具和首饰才凑够了这个月的房租，醒来却发现了一张房子被法拍的通知。房东已经半年没还房贷了，到头来我还是要被清退。FML
Today, after selling some furniture and jewelry to make the rent this month, I woke up to find a foreclosure notice. The landlord hasn't paid the mortgage in 6 months, so I'm evicted anyway. FML

慢慢来
今天，是我几个月以来第一次去健身房。我身材走形的太厉害了，就连热身我都没完成。FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in months. I was so out of shape that I couldn't even finish my warm-up. FML

信息大爆炸
今天，我要是没拦着，邻居和他媳妇嗨的就要跑我家草坪上打桩了。我距离近到甚至看见了他俩下面穿的环儿都是成对的，一个在她的小豆豆上，一个在他的小鸡鸡上。我需要心理治疗，或者一醉方休！FML
Today, I had to restrain my neighbour because he and his wife were so stoned that they were trying to have sex on my lawn. I got close enough to find out they have matching genital piercings, a ring through her clitoris and an identical ring in his penis. I need therapy, or alcohol, lots of alcohol FML

双倍FML
今天，在公司我想把水杯放回水池上面的橱柜顶层，结果手滑没拿稳。水杯正好掉到了同事的脸上，更准确的说是她的鼻梁上。X光片确定了她的鼻梁断了。FML
Today, I tried to put a drinking glass on the top rack at the dish sink where I work, but lost my grip. The glass then fell into my coworker's face, the bridge of her nose to be exact. X-rays confirmed that I broke her nose. FML

周一啊周一，对我可太好了……
今天，73岁的同事不干正事儿，留下了一大堆工作让我帮她擦屁股。她以为拔掉路由器就收不到邮件了，以至于我要处理超过400封邮件。在这期间我又核出来了她报给客户的几百个错误，还得逐个和客户致歉。FML
Today, my 73 year-old coworker has made a mountain of work for me to plough through due to her incompetence. I had to work through over 400 emails, since she thought unplugging the router would help, and in doing so, I have picked up on hundreds of mistakes she has made with clients, and had to apologise to each one. FML