发霉啦：今天，我陷入了困境

我是共感超人
今天，我陷入了困境。今儿本来是我妈大婚的日子，结果一早新郎官犯心脏病死了。现在我被痛哭的人们所包围，还得假装自己也很伤心，省的他们不高兴。说实话，我一点都不在乎，那男人私底下根本不把我妈还有我当人看。FML
Today, I’m stuck in a situation. It’s my mom's wedding, but her fiancé had a heart attack and died this morning. Now I’m surrounded by crying people, having to pretend to be upset so no one gets mad at me. I couldn’t care less to be honest, the man was an arsehole who treated mom and me like shit in private. FML

反应过激
今天，由于社恐太严重，也不敢当面对质，我只能跟公寓的维修工吐槽说邻居的狗拉完她也不收拾。他向我保证说他会搞定的。然后他向公寓的租赁部投诉了她。现在我邻居和她的孩子们被清退了。我有点不好受。FML
Today, having such terrible social anxiety and being terrified of confrontation, I confided in my apartment's maintenance man about my neighbor not picking up her dog’s poop. He assured me he’d handle it. He reported her to the leasing office, and now she and her kids are getting evicted. I feel bad. FML

过于不健康
今天，同事约我出去，我们这样约会已经有几次了。我也不知道她为什么会看上我，直到我们发生了关系。她哭着向我坦白，她在十来岁的时候被性骚扰过，罪犯是个跟我一样又矮又膈应人的男人，于是她想通过我解开自己的这个心结。FML
Today, a coworker asked me out and we’ve been on a few dates. I had no idea why she’d want to date me, until after we had sex and she started crying and confessed she was molested as a teen, and since her attacker was short and gross like me, she wanted to use me to work out her repressed issues. FML

好好看看这孙子！
今天，是我女朋友的生日。我带她去了她最爱的餐厅庆生。我们这桌的服务员看起来有点眼熟，但是我也没多想。直到结账的时候，她问我说：“你是我姐夫吧？”我忘了老婆还有个妹妹在这里上班了。FML
Today, it’s my girlfriend’s birthday. I took her out to her favorite restaurant to celebrate. The waitress serving us looked oddly familiar but I didn’t think anything of it until she said when we collected the check, “Aren’t you my sister’s husband?” I forgot she had a younger sister who worked here. FML

借过
今天，上班的时候我俩手都占满了。我想要打开一扇门，但我没用肩膀去推开，而选择了一脚蹬开。正中领导的面门。FML
Today, at work my arms were full. I needed to get the door open, so instead of pushing the swing door open with my shoulder, I kicked it open with my foot. Right into my manager's face. FML

供应链故障
今天，我发现4分之3箱油能用俩礼拜并不意味着我那卡车的油耗神奇般的降低了，而是说明车里的油表坏了。FML
Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML

好险
今天，我差点被公交车撞了，就差几公分，还好我听见他按喇叭往后跳了一步。当时我就在斑马线上，他那边还是红灯。FML
Today, I was almost hit by a bus, missing me by a few centimetres, and only because I jumped back the moment I heard its horn. I was using the zebra crossing, and the lights were green for me. FML

烧死你
今天，我和一男的好上了。完事儿之后，我看见他用漂白剂洗自己的鸡儿。我问他这特么是干嘛呢？原来是他母亲教他这么干的，因为性爱是有罪且肮脏的，而且所有未婚女性都有性病。啥鸡……FML
Today, I hooked up with a guy. After sex, I found him washing his penis with BLEACH. I asked what the hell he was doing; apparently his mother makes him do it because sex is sinful and dirty, and all unmarried women have STDs. WHAT THE… FML

技能树
今天，我儿子有个神奇的能力，他能记住所有看过的电影还有电视剧，即便不看画面，单听声音就知道是哪一部。他仅靠Van Pelt的枪声就能辨别出《勇敢者的游戏》，尽管他已经很多年都没看这部片子了……可他的初中会考只过了两门。FML
Today, my son has the bizarre ability to remember any movie or series he has ever watched, even from the sounds without seeing the screen. He just identified Jumanji by the sound of Van Pelt's rifle, despite not having watched the movie in years… yet he only passed two GCSEs. FML

德古拉逊毙了
今天，我失去了一个工作机会，因为面试官说我“戴着假的尖牙非常不专业，而且让人感到不适”。那对儿“尖牙”是我的真牙，我的虎牙一直长这样儿。FML
Today, I lost out on a job opportunity because the interviewer said my "fake fangs are unprofessional and frankly disturbing." The "fangs" are my real canines, and they have always looked this way. FML

节俭
今天，我逮到室友把泡麦片没喝完的牛奶又倒回牛奶罐里，为了“省钱”。FML
Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

能力确认
今天，我们的龙与地下城群组瓦解了。一位成员在明知我已婚的情况下，还一直向我下流的调情。如今我老公威胁说要是再让他见到他，就“把他那小瘦脖子当鸡脖子一样拧断”，小组里的其他成员却说我老公霸凌。FML
Today, our Dungeons & Dragons group has imploded. A member kept making inappropriate passes at me, even though he knows I’m married. Now my husband has been threatening to “wring his skinny little neck like a chicken” if he ever sees him again, and now the other members are calling my man a bully. FML

Joe Smith
今天，我去相亲。相亲内男的干的第一件事儿就是问我：你知道一堆蜘蛛从你产道爬出来会是什么感觉吗？FML
Today, I went on a blind date. The first thing the guy did was ask if I knew what it felt like to have spiders crawl out of my vagina. FML

再老也要自由
今天，我最后一个成年孩子搬出了这个家，住进了他自己的房子。我站在空荡荡的房子里，37年了，这里终于清净了，我满脑子都是：“谢天谢地这帮烦人精都走了，老子的人生回来了，可是艹啊，我岁数太大了，再也没法享受真正的乐趣了。”FML
Today, my last grown child moved out and into their own place. As I stood in my house, which was finally empty and quiet for the first time in 37 years, all I could think was, "THANK GOD THOSE IRRITATING SODS ARE GONE, I HAVE MY LIFE BACK, BUT DAMN IT, I’M TOO OLD TO HAVE REAL FUN ANYMORE." FML

接受
今天，我被问到肚脐眼是“凸出来的”还是“凹进去的”，可我肥了太久了，已经记不起来肚脐眼儿是什么样子的了。FML
Today, I was asked if my bellybutton was an 'innie' or an 'outtie.' My bellybutton has been hidden by fat for so long that I couldn't remember. FML

公交鬼影
今天，我遭遇过一次意外，所以脸上有很大的疤，但还没到毁容的程度。公交车上一男的问我能不能把脸扭过去，因为我吓到他孩子了(他孩子根本就没看我)，于是我对他说滚一边去，结果其余乘客都开始赞同他。FML
Today, I have a facial scar from an accident, it's large but not disfiguring. A guy on the bus asked if I could turn away because it was scaring his kid (the kid wasn’t even paying attention) so I told him to screw off, but people started agreeing with him. FML

反戈一击
今天，我问女朋友觉得某位大码女歌手怎么样，她回答我说：“她美极了！”我说：“那太好了，因为我觉得你有点像她呢。”现在她不理我了。FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend what she thought of a certain plus-sized vocalist, to which she replied, "She's gorgeous!" I said, "That's great because you remind me a lot of her." Now she's not talking to me. FML

灵魂搜寻
今天，我前男友出柜了。我全家人基本上就是：“也是时候了！我亲爱的孩子，打从你把他领进家门的那一刻起我们就知道他是个基佬了，所以你俩睡一屋我们也没拦着。因为他压根儿就不会对你动手动脚！”没错，我俩谈了5个月，我还是个处女。FML
Today my ex-boyfriend came out as gay. My family were like, “It’s about time! Oh honey child, we knew he was a major queen the day you brought him home, that’s why we let you share a room on sleepovers. No way was he going to try anything.” It’s true, we dated for 5 months and I’m still a virgin. FML