发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，我被困在了一个旋转门里
被困
今天，我被困在了一个旋转门里，跟驴拉磨似的转悠了半个小时也出不去，最后被消防队员救了出来。至少他们笑了个爽。FML
Today, I got stuck in a revolving door and had to be rescued by the fire department after about 30 minutes of walking in circles with no open exit. At least they got a good laugh out of it. FML
扫地出门
今天，我拖着一个行李箱在街上逛游，箱子里装的是我的东西。我妈认为把我扫地出门可太合适了，因为她在我的房间里发现了“成人玩具”。FML
Today, I’m walking around the streets with my stuff in a rolling suitcase. My mom saw fit to kick me out of the house because she found sextoys in my room. FML
聪明的小姑娘
今天，我在公厕里解手，结果快2岁的女儿不知道怎么就把门给打开跑出去了。五六个陌生人眼瞅着我手忙脚乱的提上内裤，光着大腚追孩子。FML
Today, I was in a public restroom when my almost-two-year-old figured out how to open the door and run out. Half-a-dozen strangers watched me scramble to pull up my pants and moon everyone before running after her. FML
终于！
今天，我从父母家的地下室搬出去住。我和父母相拥告别，前脚刚出家门就想起来手机落在了厨房里。转身打开家门，结果看见父母正在载歌载舞的庆祝。FML
Today, I moved out of my parents' basement. After I hugged my parents, I walked out the door, only to remember I'd left my phone in the kitchen. I opened the door to see my parents dancing with joy. FML
审美标准
今天，我光着身子的时候，男朋友悄悄的从后面抱了过来，在我耳边小声说“撅起来”。我以为他是想干那事儿，但我错了，他“pia”一下往我菊花上贴了个脱毛胶带，然后边喊着“毛菊去无忧！菊花光溜溜！”边跑掉了。FML
Today, my boyfriend snuck up behind me while I was naked and whispered in my ear to bend over. I thought this was a lead up to doggy style but nope, he slapped a waxing strip on my exposed bum hole and ran off yelling, “No more hairy hole! No more hairy hole!” FML
神马逻辑
今天，我才真正意识到女儿到底有多懒，只见她蜷缩在铺好的床上瑟瑟发抖，身上只盖了一张薄薄的毯子。我问她怎么不钻被子里睡，那样又暖和又舒服。她说这样就不用每天早上起来整床叠被子了。FML
Today, I realized how lazy my daughter truly is when I saw her shivering under a thin blanket on top of her perfectly made bed. I asked why she didn’t just climb under her covers to sleep warm and comfortable. She said that this way she doesn’t have to make up her bed every morning. FML
真是傻白甜啊
今天，我兴奋的跟闺蜜们宣布说我怀孕了。她们的反应？“噫，我讨厌孩子”，“就是说没法一起吃早午饭了？真没劲”还有“想要打掉吗？我认识个靠谱的诊所。”根本没人恭喜我。FML
Today, I excitedly told my best friends I was pregnant. Their responses were, "Ewww, I hate babies", "So we're not getting brunch anymore? That sucks" and "Do you need an abortion? I know a great clinic." Not one of them congratulated me. FML
贱男孩
今天，男朋友跟我分手了。分手之后，他就走向他的朋友们。我看见他在跟他们讲分手的事儿，等他说完以后，欢呼声四起。FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he'd finished, all of them cheered. FML
重体力活
今天，我的月经在一个半小时内渗透了卫生棉条和卫生巾。在我收拾的时候，血在卫生间的地板上滴滴答答了一路，看起来就像有个小动物被杀了，尸体还被拖拽了一路。我这辈子从来没见过这么大量的月经。有谁知道怎么把地板砖缝上的血渍弄掉吗？不用请朋友帮忙的那种。FML
Today, I bled through a tampon and pad in half an hour. When changing them, I somehow managed to streak blood across the bathroom floor, like a small creature was murdered and dragged. I have never menstruated this hard before in my life. Anyone know how to get blood out of white grout? Not asking for a friend. FML
今天，我跟几个朋友开车出去玩，在半道的路边儿找了个餐厅吃午饭。我点了一份鸡肉三明治。菜端上来以后，我抱着三明治就啃了一大口，结果发现中间的鸡肉生到都能听见它打鸣。FML
Today, whilst on a road trip with friends, we stopped at a roadside diner for lunch. I ordered a chicken sandwich and when it arrived, I took a huge bite out of it, only to realize that it was still completely raw in the middle. FML
今天，妈妈问我为什么要给3岁的儿子起名叫崔佛。听到我说是取自我最爱的游戏《给他爱5》，她抄起鞋子就揍我。FML
Today, my mom asked why my three-year-old son is named Trevor. After I told her it was from my favorite game, GTA V, she hit me over the head with a shoe. FML
今天，我儿子把女朋友带回了家，她长得就像《小不列颠》里的Vicky Pollard。我根本没法跟她正常沟通，甚至都听不明白她在讲什么。这绝逼是场恶作剧。这最好是场恶作剧，因为这一点都不好笑。我儿子就是个大傻子。FML
Today, my son brought home a girlfriend who actually talks like Vicky Pollard from Little Britain. I simply couldn’t take her seriously, or even understand what she was talking about. This has to be a prank. In fact, it better be because it’s not funny. My son's an idiot. FML
今天，我在家做手工意面。花了好几个小时和面、揉面，再把面擀好切成整齐的面条。下锅煮后才意识到，我和面的时候忘了放盐了。这意面吃起来就像是泡湿了的硬纸板。FML
Today, I made homemade pasta from scratch. I spent hours kneading the dough, rolling it out, and cutting it into perfect strips. When I went to cook it, I realized that I forgot to add salt to the dough. The pasta tasted like damp cardboard. FML
今天，在我填写医学院申请书的时候，我问母亲她觉得我人生中最大的挑战会是什么。她说：“想要破处。”FML
Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied, "Trying to lose your virginity." FML
今天，在准备婚礼的时候，我未来的婆婆抱怨说拱门太小了，站不下仨人。看到我面露疑惑后，她解释说：“我儿子没跟你说？整个仪式过程中，我都会跟你俩一起站在圣坛上的！”他甚至还给她买了枚戒指，省的她会觉得“娶了媳妇儿忘了娘”。FML
Today, while wedding planning, my future MIL complained that the archway was too small for three people. Seeing my confused look, she explained, “Didn’t he tell you? I’m going to be at the altar with you two during the entire ceremony!” He even bought her a ring so she doesn’t feel “left out”. FML
今天，已经和我谈了1年的女朋友在所有人面前否认说我俩从来没约过会。FML
Today, my girlfriend of a year denied in front of everyone that we ever dated. FML